The weeds are winning. Those tenacious bastards seem to grow within hours. Pull out a bunch of weeds in the morning and, damn it, you swear they are back by the afternoon. Spray weed killer on Saturday, watch them wilt on Sunday, and by Monday they are back. These parasites have infiltrated my lawn and have made my life miserable. Admittedly, I have a hate-hate relationship with my lawn. In fact, I think the obsession with having a green lawn is a form of middle class mass psychosis especially since lawns do not grow naturally like weeds do. Keeping a lawn green requires dumping the equivalent of a petrochemical plant on it to keep away those f**king weeds. And god forbid you forget to water the lawn a few times. It flips you the finger, in the form of a brown lawn, and it stays brown for the next few months. But I have a solution for this lawn/weed problem – zoysia plugs. Zoysia is a type of grass that is drought resistant and which doesn’t wilt and turn brown in brutal heat. It can even survive harsh winters. Most importantly, it hates weeds. Its Not In My Lawn (NIML) mentality combined with its drought resistance is perfect for the busy homeowner – ADHD or not – who hates weeds and may forget to water their lawn every once in a while.
The downside of zoysia plugs is that it takes a few years to see the results and… WARNING! Planting them is not exactly fun. The zoysia farm sends you a few pieces of sod that you cut up into little pieces that you put into little holes that you make in the lawn. (The morbidly curious may want to see this page.) How many plugs you need to put in per square foot depends on how quickly you want to see your new lawn. Of course, how many plugs you need to put in determines how many frackin’ little holes you need to make. I probably spent about twenty hours doing my measly front lawn, cutting up the sod, making the little holes, and putting in a plug every six inches.
Now that the boring-as-hell task is done, I check the lawn every week for signs of zoysia dominance. Surprise, surprise. The bastard weeds are winning. But here and there I see signs of the zoysia plugs taking root and adding a few of its own blades of grass to the lawn from hell. I’ve been diligent in watering and fertilizing and, while my neighbor keeps asking me, “How’s it doing?” I keep replying, “I won’t really know till next year.” In fact, it may take a few years before I see a real difference.
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My weed-infested lawn is a lot like your weed-infested ADHD life. You pull out the weeds of ADHDness and the bastards come right back. Then you hit on the idea of using self-coaching plugs to help the process. You put in the plugs and check them every week. You add your Concerta or Vyvanse fertilizer. You add lawn aerating physical exercise (running; bicycling, etc.) While there are a few hopeful signs here and there that things are improving, for the most part, it seems that nothing is working. But you keep at it and several years go by and you make an amazing discovery: the plugs worked!! It took time. It took patience and determination but, damn it, it paid off and you now see the results. Sure, you still get a few weeds here or there and that’s to be expected, but your ADHD life has turned green. And if, perchance, you get a few brown patches, you know what to do. Get a few more plugs, make a few more holes and wait patiently for the change. And never stop watering, fertilizing and aerating. You’ll see. It does work. It just takes time. A lot of time.
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As for my front lawn, if the zoysia plugs don’t work, then I’m selling the lawn mower, the lawn trimmer, the rake, the seed spreader, the fertilizer spray doohickey that hooks up to the garden hose and every other piece of crap that’s lawn related. Then I’m putting in AstroTurf.