Time Horizons

I t is a recent discovery (for me) that there will come a time that I will not be around and my kids will be going on without me. I visualized it below. I figure that my wife is likely to outlive me (though…it is possible I may outlive her…however…because Alzheimer’s runs on my side of family I may never know it).

Overlapping Lives

So…maybe for non-A.D.D.ers this is not a big discovery. But how often do you sit and imagine you not being where you are right now…how often do you try to imagine life without you? It’s strangely fascinating. (Morbidly fascinating?)

“Discovery” is not the right word. What I really mean is something that I describe as “real knowing” as opposed to just “knowing.” The difference is knowing something intellectually as a concept and knowing something by living it. It is like knowing what it is like to be a parent and then having kids and really being a parent. They are two different types of knowing. [Added July 2, 2007 near end of day]

Of course any understanding of time horizons is in contrast to the Tyranny of Now. It will be interesting to see if there is any permanency to the “discovery” though, as an A.D.D.er, there is no such thing as permanency.

[Last edited on July 4, 2007 @ 10:06am]

My oldest daughter turned 16 today. I took her to motor vehicles to get her learner’s permit and took her for her first drive. I’m not sure how she managed to turn 16 without me noticing the intervening years. It’s as if one day she was 6 years old, another day she was 12 years old and now, suddenly, she is 16 years old. Where was I during all those years? What kind of fog was I in that I didn’t not notice the changes? What kind of mental stupor have I been in? I know that, certainly, this is a result of A.D.D. but, at this stage of my own life, I am living with – and struggling with – the secondary and tertiary symptoms of A.D.D. I know that, for much of this time, I’ve lived in financial chaos and mentally running away from bill collectors has consumed a lot of energy and, obviously, caused me to run away from so many things that I did not notice my daughter growing up.

What worries me most is that she is now, at this age, so obviously dependent on me and I want so desperately to be able to help her and the help that she needs, most of all, is financial help: car, college, apartment and so on. Yes, she is only 16 years old but heck, it seems like she was only 6 years old a handful of years ago! And she’ll need my help, not ten years from now but one year from now and then for several years thereafter.

I’m not sure what I can or should conclude from this realization. There is no substitute for time and, being A.D.D. means to have no time except for an onslaught of “nows.” Consequently, I have not saved all I could have or should have and I’ll have no choice but to work my way through the upcoming expenses as opposed to tapping into savings from years gone past.

[Section above added on July 17, 2007 @ 10:00pm]

[...to be continued...]

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