The Gift versus The Curse
My most recent post, The Curse That Keeps On Giving, has elicited quite a reaction from A.D.D.ers. The very first reaction was an attack. In a private email an A.D.D.er eloquently wrote:
here’s a suggestion — which I doubt you will take since you love to be miserable on your pity pot — try changing your thinking and you might just change your brain
but you won’t do that because you like thinking that you are damaged goods
tough shit
I must admit that this email worried me. I expected a flood of attacks. However, this was the only attack. I’ve received many comments and emails that were encouraging. Here are a few quotes.
Thank you thank you thank you. I rant about this all the time.
ADHD is a gift like my depression is a gift. Both of them make living life the way I want and doing the work I love [...] extremely difficult.
Calling ADHD a gift is insulting to ambitious, intelligent people who experience ADHD as a severe impediment to reaching their goals.
Bravo! I’m tired of the “gift” theme, too.
Based on the emails and public comments, this highly non-scientific survey leads me to the conclusion that more people see A.D.D. as a curse than as a gift. Unfortunately the dichotomy is not that clear cut. A.D.D. is, it seems, BOTH a gift and a curse. As a gift it can be the source of great insight and creativity and more.1 But the gift is wrapped in an unbreakable membrane that is composed of forgetfulness and distractibility and forty other undesirable characteristics. While it is possible to unwrap the gift of A.D.D. and enjoy what’s inside, the “unwrapping” is momentary. The wrapping paper eventually snaps back, rewrapping the “gift” with that unbreakable membrane. A.D.D. is the gift that won’t stay unwrapped.
A.D.D. Digression: For a disgustingly cheap, deceptive and unrealistic view of “A.D.D. as a Gift,” See: Unwrapping the Gift of ADD. Spearheaded by two well-known authorities in the field, they have reduced themselves to circus ringmasters in charge of a circus side-show. Some of the side-show characters are very well known for their work and, I feel, should be ashamed to lend their good names to this farcical affair. I am sure that the ringmasters’ intentions were good. However they have “wrapped” their message in nearly every misleading sales technique imaginable. “Yes! A $47 value! But wait…there’s more! Operators are standing by! Money Back Guarantee!” Quite surprisingly they do not (yet) offer a free Veg-a-Matic. I’m sure that that’s an oversight that will soon be rectified.
One of my dedicated readers pointed out to me that the “gift versus curse” dichotomy is a distraction from the real problem, namely, the need to deal with the constellation of symptoms that constitute A.D.D. There is something to be said for this approach. Dispensing with the dichotomy (and its debate) would take A.D.D. out of the realm of value judgment (gift? curse?) and, in essence, neutralize the debate. However, while this makes sense from the practical aspect of how to deal with A.D.D.’s symptoms (it is a set of symptoms to be treated), the debate is still useful for A.D.D.ers.
A.D.D., for an A.D.D.er, is not lived as a collection of symptoms but as deep, complex actions, thoughts, values and physical effects, that are experienced over time through a human body that exists in space. From the outside we may exhibit forgetfulness but from the inside, that is, as experienced by the A.D.D.er, forgetfulness may carry with it a visceral panic combined with a sinking doubt that is felt in the gut. The mind races around looking for a clue to grab on to to help remember what has been forgotten and that sinking feeling worsens as you mentally and sometimes physically double over. Forgetfulness is experienced as an inseparable mental and physical phenomenon.2
The value of the gift/curse dichotomy is that it helps the A.D.D.er know how to behave towards and in light of the symptoms that are lived from moment to moment. It defines, in a sense, a stance the A.D.D.er takes vis-a-vis the A.D.D. As my eloquent critic put it, change your thinking and you might change your brain. See it as a gift and you see positive aspects. See it as a curse and you’ll be burdened with the negative aspects.
Admittedly the stance of the blind optimist who sees only the positive is an unrealistic and potentially doomed approach.3 To be blind to the negativity of A.D.D. is to set yourself up for profound disappointment. You cannot keep the negative at bay for too long. However, to sit on one’s “pity pot” and focus on the negative is to be dragged into the hell of despair.
I believe the correct stance is one that occupies a middle ground, a nuanced gray area that considers the multidimensionality of the human experience and avoids black/white dichotomies. It is a stance that takes a positive tack while keeping in mind that an ill wind can blow through at any time. When the winds of negativity are in control, you regain control by remembering that this is not a permanent condition. You can adjust your sails. You can search for that “positive” breeze and, if you fail, remember that in time it will blow over and the positive will come through again.
[Image Source: Google Image Search Results]
- Note, however, that some A.D.D.ers do not seem to have the “wonderful gift” qualities of A.D.D. That brings, for them, a different type of anguish.↩
- Admittedly I’m using a mind-body dualism here but while such a separation may not exist ontologically, nonetheless, the dualism exists experientially for human beings. Also, see The A.D.D. Memory Panic.↩
- This has been the major thrust of ADDer World and was the original impetus for my short-lived screed. However, a most recent post shows a bit of subtlety and nuance on the part of Hutchinson. See The Gift – The Curse – The Brilliant Reality of ADHD.↩
Besides that “Gift of ADD” book, which always struck me as bizarre, today I explored the otherwise interesting ADD blogs at the Additude Magazine website and found myself disappointed.
The blog content is fine, really good tales of adult and young-adult (college) life with ADD. However, neither blogger signs their name, we simply get a first name and last initial with nothing to identify who these bloggers really are.
Now that in itself would be fine (you don’t give us your last name), except that we learn nothing else really about who these people are or their backgrounds in order to decide whether and why we should be reading these blogs.
Doing that on the blogosphere removes any real credibility these blogs might otherwise have. Why should I read their words when I have no idea who is writing them?
Worse, though, it makes me feel like they’re ashamed of having A.D.D. and, by extension, of themselves. Pardon me, but there’s enough stigma attached to A.D.D. without ADDitude magazine actually adding to it. Perusing the blogs, I felt like I was reading anonymous transcripts from a 12-step meeting, and that’s just creepy. What a way for a supportive magazine to shoot itself in the foot.
Keep in mind that A.D.D. is in the early stages of “acceptance” by the non-A.D.D. world. I’ve only told a few close friends about my A.D.D. and I’ve made the mistake of telling a business associate. I will NOT do that again. Everything you do is colored by the term and dismissed as an A.D.D.-thing.
I’ve read the blog posts and I used to subscribe to the magazine. My biggest complaint? Everything is too short. It assumes that an A.D.D.er can’t read for more than two minutes at a time. But when the subject matter is engaging…you can read for a LONG time.
Looking for a reductionistic conclusion in a sea of complexity will always cause controversy.
Your points are well taken here in the sense that there are no simple answers – what brain function works for some is completely counterproductive for others-
The mission: use the good as best you can, and conquer the bad with every painful lesson. This, as you point out, is not whining, but reality.
Change is difficult regardless of the challenges,
cp
Jeff,
I think you’ve come to the right conclusion. However, there is only one gift and that’s the diagnosis. For better or worse, you can’t stick the wrapping paper back on that one.
After the diagnosis, things just are. Are we really better or worse off than anyone else? I have no idea. Almost everyone I know has some sort of “hangup” or “dysfunction”. Are their lives any easier? Again, I don’t know.
Having been recently diagnosed, I can honestly say I haven’t felt this good in a long time. I still forget stuff, procrastinate, etc, but I see the possibility for change (or at least management) that I hadn’t before. Why? Because now I can see the enemy and I’m going to fight it with all my strength.
Jay
Hi folks,
Interesting discussion, Jeff, as usual.
I agree with Jay. The worst thing is not knowing one has ADHD and, thus, exacerbating neurobiological challenges with years of negative feedback, misattributions (“I’m just lazy/stupid/crazy, etc.”), and counterproductive coping strategies.
All things being equal, I’d wager that adults with ADHD who pursue effective treatment strategies (including CBT to re-align mindsets) have a good chance of “normalizing” symptoms. Meaning, they then stand the same chances of having hangups and dysfunctions as the rest of the population.
And, you know, for some the chances are probably minimized. Why? Because their manifestations of the “extreme human condition” (aka ADHD) got their attention and demanded remedy. Others with more moderate “human condition” behaviors might just semi-flounder all their lives.
One thing I’ve seen in my local advocacy work: Many adults who (finally) get the right treatment no longer need support groups. They get on with their lives, and ADHD mostly moves from “in their face” to the background. They might attend the group every 3-4 months instead of being the first one at the door every month.
Thankfully, some do stick around to help the new folks. They find it pretty darn rewarding.
Gina Pera
http://www.ADHDRollerCoaster.org
Jay,
To some degree I agree with you that the “diagnosis” is a gift in the sense that it at least explains many things. But the excitement of that gift definitely wears off over time.
Like all metaphors, this one also breaks down if you think about it too hard. Although, I’m hard pressed to think of any real gift I’ve received that I am continually excited by… so maybe it does hold up.
One other perspective I’ll offer is that the positive spin was helpful to see/read at first. It’s nice to get some indication that this thing isn’t the absolute disaster I initially thought. (“What? I have a disorder? I really am defective?”
I do agree that “Unwrapping the Gift of ADD” goes well over that line and a few others, though. Yuck.
“Nothing is either good nor bad, but thinking makes it so.”
ADD is what you make it. If it’s your curse, it’s your curse and if it’s your blessing, it’s your blessing. The way you describe it doesn’t really matter – it’s what you do with it and the way you live with it.
However, nothing in life is in one state at all times. Everything we know and acknowledge evolves and changes based on its environment and the context where it finds itself, in an effort to adapt or defend – just as we do. The gift loses the pleasure it brings over time, the fresh bread becomes mouldy and the champagne tastes better.
Acknowledging, and more importantly accepting, the existence of the ever influential and changing ADD in one’s life is of the utmost importance. No matter how you describe it, if it has not been fully accepted as an undeniable part in your personal mechanics you’ll struggle to overcome the many challenges it throws at you.
–
On another note – Jeff, I really like reading your blog man. It tackles ADD from a perspective that borders on philosophical. Thanks for all your work!
Mr. Parker: It’s a Major Award!
Swede: Shucks I wouldn’t know that. It looks like A.D.D..
Mr. Parker: You nincompoop. It’s a Major Award. I won it!
Swede: Damn, hell, you say won it?
Mr. Parker: Yeah, mind power, Swede; mind power.
Adapted from A Christmas Story.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0085334/quotes
Rob…I agree. It is what you think it is. I would argue there are limits to that but, the limits on the “positive” side of the equation are much less than we sometimes realize. I think you summarize the issues beautifully: the gift loses its shine, we (and the A.D.D.) evolve over time.
And thank you for the compliment on this blog. My former philosophy professors would be proud to know that the philosophical bent comes through in my posts.
I think Tara summed it up best: “If somebody’s life is a living hell because of ADHD that person doesn’t need to be told it’s a Gift. If somebody’s is leading a happy productive life with ADHD they don’t need to be told it’s a Curse.”
See: http://www.myaddblog.com/2009/01/adhd-gift-vs-cu.html
I was diagnosed Atypical M.S. Sept.06. Went to NeuroPsych. eval. about a yr later,after for cog probs became obvious.Report was ADD symptoms. It’s new to Me. I’m 48,and never had these probs b4 the brain lesions.I have studied ADD symptoms online sites. And I read things that are exactly My symptoms,posted by ppl w/adult add. I have been coming up w/ideas very quickly and solutions to things I know/knew nothing about! It’s amazing!That’s the good part. The bad is, It sounds like(to ppl)I can’t stay on a thought,long enough to explain it to anyone(also I have speech/word finding probs). It’s weird. I can think like a genius,and sound like a rambling dummy who can’t stay on subject. Like I probably do now,to You. But I realize it.I know when I get up to go to a room to get something,while I’m on My way,I know I will forget what it was.It’s like…I can’t even explain this to You in typing words,Jeff… Thanks bro.for being here!…Scotty.
Scott,
No explanation necessary. Those of us “with the gift” know what the gift is like…a living nightmare. However…it is possible to learn to channel it/control it. It’s just damned hard and takes lots of energy.
And I’m glad you have found my site to be, well, useful.
Regarding your description of the “gift” of ADD, I once read this one:
I am like a toolbox, with all the tools I will ever need lain gently and neatly in the box, ready for me to use them. The toolbox is translucent so I can see them there. The key to the toolbox is locked inside of it.
What a fantastic description. That deserves its own blog post!
JEFF: Perhaps A.D.D. is a gift when you are ten years old and your imagination soars.
BETSY: Nope. A child I once knew began having trouble at age four, and by age seven was trying to throw himself down the stairs at home out of frustration. By ten, he was getting a lot of satisfaction out of his gifted writing, and suffering through every night of homework and quiet tears coursing slowly down his cheeks marked every day’s drive to school. By eleven, he was depressed and suicidal.
JEFF: Perhaps A.D.D. is a gift when you are twenty years old and you need to write three papers for three different college classes and so you muster your hyperfocus and finish them on time.
BETSY: Nope. A college student I once knew fell asleep over her reading assignments for two years at a college known for its intellectual demands, the calibre of its students and their degree of intellectual engagement. She was known for her zaniness and requirement for solitude; for taking all comers in arm wrestling; flattened a tire on a friend’s car when borrowing it and didn’t offer to pay for it (didn’t get whose responsibility it was); telling tall tales that she had been on a Roller Derby team; wore clothes that should have gone in the wash; claimed to be a descendant of the Quaker Oats Company family (her grandmother was born in Iowa and was a Quaker); cut male students’ hair for free; locked herself out of her room weekly; smoked Camel Straights…
After almost blowing a year-end essay that qualified or disqualified students for the Junior year, she decided to leave. The pain was too great and while she had learned it was possible to participate in discussions if one confined one’s utterances to responding to others’ comments, it was not the same as having read and retained the actual books. The rest of it sounds harmless enough, but was profoundly stressful and she was 28 when she finally graduated elsewhere with a BA.
Something is not a gift if you don’t want it. I have been given such things: a recording of Peter Pan when I really wanted an alarm clock of my own (I was born long ago), a baking dish that was neither the color nor style of the one I had shown the giver when I asked for a gift at Christmas. It is not a gift if you don’t like it. It is not a gift of the giver gives it to you because s/he thinks it’s great, or would like to have it.
Betsy,
Once again you get to the heart of the matter. “Something is not a gift if you don’t want it.”
I assume, therefore, that you don’t believe there is “genius” lurking inside, despite what these yodel heads (http://www.unwrappingthegiftofadd.com/blog/) say.
JEFF: I assume, therefore, that you don’t believe there is “genius” lurking inside, despite what these yodel heads
BETSY: No, I don’t.
However…for only $47 dollars, I will share with you the secrets of the DaVinci life. (You too can be a famous renaissance Italian!) But wait! There’s more! Order now and you’ll get a free copy of “Tell The Schm*cks That They Are Really Geniuses.” After reading this book you’ll be able to sell ANYONE a bridge!!
The prisons are home to a lot of people with AD/HD. Can you imagine?
Impulse control (Hey look, that’s a freaking laptop!) no sense of time (It’s okay Earl, we got lotsa time.) poor planning (Oh, man, I gotta find a urinal, now.)
distractibility (What? I’m just looking at picture files.)
Emotional control (Shut the f-up, Earl, I’ll dig outcher eyes.)
Loses things (Where the hell are my car keys??)
Etcetera.
These guys are not geniuses. They are failures. They represent the failure of family, school, science, medicine, and a host of other things that are sorely taxed when someone with AD/HD enters the world.
Betsy, are you trying to tell me that not everyone with AD/HD is a genius? How can that be true? According to Hallowell and Handelman, there’s a genius inside every AD/HDer. Do ya think H&H are trying to pull a fast one on us?
I think they are delighted with their own ideas; sort of getting high on them. It was a brainstorm to try to paint the horse with a different color. It just isn’t useful. I think it has caught on for the very reason I dislike it: it helps the disheartened feel better.
But feeling better and doing better are not the same. Feeling better – especially if it is based on an idea and not a truth – is not useful in any practical way. “Practical” is often in short supply to begin with.
An attitude of exceptionality is not going to make a person more practical. If anything, it makes the person more annoying. It reminds me of the child in kindergarten who has not developed the understanding that while to his family he is the most special person ever, when he joins the rest of the world, he is no more, nor less, special than all of the other children.
I see genius, as a verb. A gifted child,whatever the gift may be, is called a prodigy(noun). But when the child shows his/her genius,to the kindergarten teacher by an action….then there it is! A special person with a gift! Or maybe it’s a genius in action.
Just a thought about the definition a words. They are just words to me. If I invent a new word to describe this, maybe I will show an action of genius.
Scott.
So far, I haven’t geniused up a new word. I reckon I have been so busy intellectualizing, I forgot to genius.It makes me want to curse,when I don’t gift myself enough to genius.
Or perhaps I’m an ADD’er w/ADHD.But I would rather laugh than cry, I at least know that.
Scott.
Scott-
If it makes a difference, you surely make ME laugh. And as far as I’m concerned, laughing is one of the world’s best creations. In fact, it’s worth worshiping, I think.
Thanks for your great posts.
Betsy,
Thank You for your comment on my comment. As usual, I was worried I may have sounded…(I’m trying to find the word)….O.K.,can’t find it,so I will just say, I’m not making fun of a very serious disease.
Your flattering comment is the exact medicine I need. I think You understand the way I think about life w/incureable diseases. The gift is the abbility to bring a moment of serenity via laughter. I hope You enjoyed this moment! I do!
Scott.
“Geniused up”…hmmm….I think you’ve created a new phrase! Instead of saying “I have A.D.D.” now you can say, “Yo! I’m all geniused up!”
Yeah,but it gets me so frustrated when I get all geniused up and go somewhere and realize when I get there…I forgot to grab my superior intelect before I left home! Then, go back to my car, to drive home and get it, and my car is locked w/my keys in it!
Scott.
Bingo! There it is! The gift(if I really had any..chuckle)and the curse, all wrapped up and sent to me in one fragile container….oops!I dropped it! Open it up..Surprize! It’s a jig-saw puzzle now.
Ok, I will just go find one of those pair of scissors I put somewhwere, and cut the pieces to fit around my jagged edge’s….when I get the time…maybe next Saturday, if it’s raining.
Scott.
Did it again, Scott. I think if we just keep handing you straight lines, you’ll come up with a rejoinder that makes us laugh.
And no, this is not because you have an ADD brain, it’s because you are funny. I have met more than a few dull witted eople with ADD so don’t get me started on that one again.
Thank You, Betsy!,
I agree with Your opinion. It is not because I have an ADD brain. It is just a way of thinking about things that are hard for me to explain. So, I use words that will hopefully get a response, that may answer some questions I have about my abbility to fight a proggesive disease that affects my speech and general skills of conversation.
My brain is still working…only it goes too fast at times, and I find other ways of speaking by typing thoughts. I can slowly type the words, that I find slowly. I am not quick witted,,,it’s in there, but hard to find. A defensive trait, most likely.
Scott.
Scott,
Maybe it is just a Trait. Not good, or bad (or “defensive”), but just part of who and how you are.
Betsy,
“Trait” is the word I came up with..only because I could not retrieve the word mechanism at the time.
My ADD symptoms are just one of the “things” that have become very noticeable to my friends/family, my M.S. Dr., NueroPhys,and me. Aug.06 is when I started mis-pronouning words and having trouble finding words. This led to the MRI> 12 tumors/lesions in my brain.
I don’t know if ADHD has always been up there, but research/asking questions, have given some answers. Jeff,You,Gina,and many others,via comments and e-mail have helped. I can relate to ADD’ers/ADHD very much at this time of my journey.
I think a gift has been,weird as this may sound,a stimulation for me to fight the disease, and hopefully win. It may be a curse to others,but I will look at as a gift, to find people I can relate too, in regards to dealing with ADD/ADHD.
So,that being said, I want to you know, and all here, that I am not a typical,or even a good example of an ADD’er, but I very much am interestered in the opinions/comments,and all info on the subject. I also like to give my opinions/comments on this, and wish no harm/disrespect in my way of saying things with a bit of making fun of myself(ADD things I see in me).
Scott.
I know I am over-posting…But so many thoughts on “Gift vs Curse” I am thinking about this, and how I see it my own weird way.
The curse is/was having a consuming guilt about feeling so excited about facing death(grim reaper,dire wolf,etc…)when I first saw my MRI results. Almost like I was challenging death to try his best to kill me. I should have been thinking of the ppl that love me,and how they were worried about me.
The gift may be the need for that exitement(stimulation) that pushes me to fight,and not stop living,and telling my family how I know I am strong,and don’t worry about me. I joke about it,to make them think I am not worried about it.
The truth is…I am very worried about what the future holds for them, if I can’t beat it.
If ADD has given me a mind to find a rewarding stimulation via fighting trauma,,then it truly is a gift for me. I don’t know anything for sure,but I take the good I see in it. The alternitive is unspeakable.
Thanks for letting me express my thoughts. I will try to only post comments about ADD, and not about me,unless asked,hereafter.
Scott.
I only found out I had ADHD as an adult in april this year. I am 56.
I always felt different and bored very easily.
I fell upon a job in a company that makes fragrances and my natural curiosity and super focusing led me to memorize the aroma,name,price, and then, usefulness,synonyms, of more than 500 aroma chemicals and essential oils.
As far as being disorganized, I guess I coped by relying on computers to keep things though I make too many folders.
I am the class clown and I still get weird looks from people because of my comments. Now I realise how bloody boring most of the people I see are. Too bad they can’t see that in themselves.
I am on desedrine and a mood stabilizer and that with some great book reading and therapy has helped me alot.
If it is a curse, it is now a good spell.
G
That’s definitely another way to look at it…as being as spell. Now if I could only take some “eye of newt” to get rid of it.
George,
You said;”I always felt different and bored very easily”. Your not the “Lone Ranger” here bro. Keep reading and take caution about what you read, is my best advice. Look at “A Fraud” post/comments etc. You may find it interesting..You/we are at a very good blog to learn about other A.D.D.ers thoughts and revelations.
Jeff,
“She turned me into a Newt!” From “Monty Python And The Holy Grail”. Love that movie!
Scott.
I was diagnosed 2 years ago at 36. I found your blog tonight (while surfing the internet instead of what I’m supposed to be doing … SLEEPING). I appreciate the absence of bs here. It’s like having a glass of milk after choking down 3 gallons of ice cream.
~Heather
And the winner is….Curse! For me. Why? I have some, what I thought were gifts, but are only things I just happen to be able to do. If I need to read a book, or ask anybody to show/tell me how to use them…then it’s not a gift.
A gift would be, not needing to say A.D.D. gave me a gift.