Sex And The Adult ADHDer: When Fantasy Meets Reality

Posted by Jeff on July 17, 2010 · View Comments

Part I

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Part II

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Reality continues to ruin my life. – Calvin (of Calvin and Hobbes)

Image source: http://rhonabennett.files.wordpress.com/2009/11/jennifer-lopez-2.jpg

Damn! JLo looks mighty fine!! Curves in all of the right places and she’s looking right at me!! And once she gets with me, I’ll have her screaming in ecstasy!! She’ll beg me to stop!! She’ll wonder how she managed to live without me all of these years!! She’ll get rid of Marc Anthony so she can be available for me and ONLY me. Bet you don’t think this will happen, eh? Well, you are wrong! She owns a house here on Long Island and it’s only five miles from my home. One day she’ll walk into the local Wendy’s. I’ll be there enjoying a Number 6 Combo (Spicy Chicken Sandwich, French Fries, Diet Coke). Her spicy Latina blood will notice my Spicy Chicken Sandwich. As the soft fluorescent lights create an Adonis-like glow around my bald head and I turn in her direction, she will notice me, stop and smile. I will smile back. Her gaze will shift to my t-shirt. She will notice my ham radio call sign emblazoned across my chest and, at that moment, an epiphany. She realizes she is in the presence of greatness: the blogger extraordinaire, the founder of Jeff’s ADD Mind, is looking right at her. He is here in the local Wendy’s, the VERY SAME Wendy’s that she has entered. JLo’s sexual autonomic system takes over. She pushes Marc aside. She comes to my table. She extends her hand. All is quiet. I look in her eyes and hold her soft, sweet hand in mine. I bow my head. I caress her hand with my tongue, each gentle movement expressing my love for her. I close my eyes. I sense the movement of her body, her womanly hips slowly moving in rhythm to the movement, to the heat of my tongue. She imagines what pleasures await her when I can finally use it to bring her womanhood to the height of multiple orgasmic pleasure. Then…I pause. I lift my head, her eyes communicating her growing desire for me. I rise up. (Yes!!! I RISE UP!! My 52 year old plumbing is still working!!) My hand caresses her hip as we slowly move to the middle of the restaurant. The customers move their tables to the back, arranging them as if we were in the Copa, the Copacabana (it’s the hottest spot north of Havana). Music and passion takes hold of our tingling bodies, the music comes up and the lights dim. We move in sensual rhythms. I can hear the other women moaning as they watch me, this Don Juan of the blogosphere, with my HOT Latina lover. We feel their pheromonic intensity sweep over our bodies. JLo’s eyes tell me that it’s time for us to leave, it is time to take our love to the next step. I don’t say a word. My gaze moves downward towards her sweat-glistening breasts. We stop. I bring her close to me so my tongue can move down her neck. I taste the droplets of love. My tongue pauses, for what seems like an eternity, in her womanly cleavage. I hear her voice. JLo is talking to me. Her voice gets louder. I lift up my head and look in her eyes. She has my full attention.

- dad. Dad. DAD!! EARTH TO DAD! EARTH TO DAD!

- Uh…yeah. What is it?

- [sotto voce] Can I finish your fries?

- Sure. You can have them.

Handing my french fries to my younger daughter, I stand up and take my tray to the garbage pail. I scan the restaurant. JLo is nowhere to be found.

Here lies the major problem with ADHD and sex: reality keeps rearing its ugly head. Not that the sex life of some adult ADHDers is necessarily terrible, it’s just that things tend to be much hotter, much kinkier in your mind than in reality. Sometimes (alright, I’ll admit it…ALL THE TIME) you want to push reality in the direction of the “imagined” sex life. Yet no matter how many black leather outfits or toys you bring to “the event,” still, something is not quite right. To make matters worse, the reality of our sex lives are entwined with the fantasy of our sex lives that, in turn, are entwined with the cinematic version of our “imagined” sex lives. (ADHDers are certainly not the only ones who suffer from this problem.) In this fantasy scenario of me and JLo, there are bits and pieces of reality. It is an amalgam of experiences culled from 35 years of experiences, entwined with various fantasies and numerous movies I have seen.¹ However, only in our minds or during the rarest of occasions do so many of these experiences unfold as one complete movie, as one complete script that is read (performed!) from beginning to end. Perhaps an ADHDer’s abbreviated sexual attention span is, in part, an effort to create a sexual cinematic experience in real time that has all the action adventure of their imagined porno movie. Their internal “sex director” is thinking about the next scene even though the current scene may not have been completed. (“Okay. Let’s wrap up the ‘Screaming in Ecstasy’ scene and move onto the “Swing from the Ceiling” scene. Make it fast! We have twelve more scenes to go!”)

This movie was meant to be a spoof of the television show

My imagined porno movie begins with a soft touch, a gentle kiss that builds to deep, passionate kissing that then builds to a swashbuckling frenzy of sweat, scent and heat that reaches a crescendo of ecstasy culminating in a climactic ending leaving me and my partner exhilarated and exhausted as our sweat-drenched bodies fill the room (or our car…or our secret spot in the woods) with the heat of passion. I will bet that at least once (maybe more than once?) in your life you had an experience that was very much like this. The problem, though, is some ADHDers want it to be this way every single time. Unfortunately that’s not always possible. There’s that annoying “reality” that gets in the way. Your mind may be willing but you or your partner are too tired. Then there are work pressures, financial pressures and the pressure of daily life itself that may interfere. Even when the sex is really good, it may still fall short of the fantasy (cinematic) version. But even if it does approach it or even reproduces it(!), it does not matter to the ADHDer. Once the dopamine levels drop it’s time to do it again.

POSTSCRIPT

As in many things concerning adult ADHD, there are no definitive statements about sex and ADHD. Some ADHDers are sex-obsessed because sex has become a means of self-medication while others, when they do have sex, do it halfheartedly at best because their minds are thinking about other things, such as their gardening project.

The links below address the various dimensions of ADHD and sexuality. You may find them to be of interest.

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Part I

Listen to the Podcast

Right-Click On This Link to Download the Podcast

Part II

Listen to the Podcast

Right-Click On This Link to Download the Podcast

Allow me to clarify. I didn’t have sex for 35 years. I had sex at various times over the course of 35 years. Further, while some readers of this blog know that, of my many careers, I was once a movie projectionist, they may not know that for the first two years of that career that I worked in adult movie houses, aka porno theaters. Talk about an ADHD fantasy come true!↩

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Filed under Adult ADD, Latest ADD-Related Posts, Lifestyle, Relationships, Sex, What Is ADD · Tagged with self-knowledge, Sex

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http://addmsorboth.blogspot.com/ Scott Hutson

As I walk into the room with that “very sexy”look on my face, she knows just what to say: “Ha Ha, Mr. “I have an idea!” Love ya hunny, now go away!”
Jeff

And I usually get something like the following from my wife (who is a school administrator in a tough urban neighborhood): “I had to deal with two screaming parents, a shooting near the school and a two hour commute home and…you want to do what? It’s not gonna happen tonight!!”
http://blogs.psychcentral.com/adhd-zoe/about/ Zoe Kessler

Jeff, I loved your opening fantasy sequence. I laughed so hard, and related to how intensely vivid an ADHDer’s fantasies can be. Thanks for writing about this topic, it’s so important to discuss, and thanks for including my own take on it by listing my blog post, Sex & Drugs & Rock & Roll, Part III: Sex.

I do have an additional perspective, which is that those of us who are HSP’s (highly sensitive people) can hyperfocus while love-making, making everything sensual in a very heightened way. Maybe THAT’s the real “gift.” I remember from a very young age, enjoying all my sensory experiences in a way that made me feel different, but also gave me deep and profound joy. It’s still the case. I love to touch sculpture, pet my dog, stare at a green metallic bug for ages, listen to great live music, gaze at a beautiful face – all of it – provides so much pleasure. The bedroom (or where ever) just takes all that sensual feeling and focuses it on the one you’re with. I’m not saying I don’t get distracted sometimes (I do – after all – I have full-blown ADHD!), but I’ve learned to quickly identify when that happens, and I’m able to bring myself back to the present moment. I can also use my being distracted to learn about the situation I’m in: am I not comfortable with my lover? Unhappy in our relationship? Is there some issue I need to address? Or is it just ADHD? So, again, it can be used to my benefit, but only with self-knowledge and self-awareness. *phew* that was longer than I intended.

Was that good for you, too? lol!
Jeff

Zoë, I never considered myself an HSP. I feel I have enough acronyms to describe my gifts: ADHD; SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder); SOB (you can figure out that one…no?). But I definitely relate to the sensory experiences. Obviously it comes into play during sex but for me it is also gardening (I like to touch and feel the dirt) and most especially cooking: touching the ingredients, observing while cooking (Snap peas go from a dull to a brilliant bright green when they are ready) and, of course, the aromas. Come to think of it…I think I know why I get angry when people don’t come rushing to the dinner table when the food is nice and hot (and after I’ve spent hours in preparation). Perhaps when I’ve provided an “orgy” of foods and they don’t come running…I feel like they’ve ruined the whole climax of the meal.
http://addmsorboth.blogspot.com/ Scott Hutson

I can relate to that Jeff. My wife was a police dispatcher when I met her. She now (for the last 5 yr’s) is a dispatcher for a large communication company(t.v.cable,phone,etc.). And is responsible for the team and making decisions for the success of it. So we (you and I) know our wives will sometimes have stressful days. Women apparently relieve stress in a different way than we do.

This reminds me of cooking dinner, and the kids keep asking if it’s ready yet. I will say what my mom used to say to me: “It just makes it taste better when ya wait a while when your real hungry.” And on the bright side of my present situation is “It tastes fattening…But it’s not!”
http://www.ADHDRollercoaster.org gina pera

But Jeff, you never said. How was the sandwich?

(Now I know why my husband sometimes sneaks off to Wendy’s on the weekend, on the pretense of “errands.” And here all this time I thought he was cheating with gluten.)

g
Jeff

I must apologize to your husband. This was supposed to be a secret just between the men.

And the sandwich was good…as expected.