News From The Not Too Distant Future

Mega Merger! Google & Verizon Become Googizon

Being hailed as the most significant corporate merger of the century, Google, Inc. and Verizon, Inc. have merged and will now be called Googizon. According to Googizon spokesperson Ishiro Honda, Googizon will be able to provide all of the top web and technology offerings for a fixed monthly price. The web and technology package will include:

• Google Phone
• Google Television
• Google Library
• Google Gadgets
• Google Education
• Google Finance
• Google Dating
• Google Health
• Google News
• Google Video
• Google Scholar
• Google Mobile
• Google Jesus
• Google Homepage
• Google Blogger
• Google Music
• Google Government
• Google Porn
• Google Office Suite
• Google Photo
• Google Mail
• Google Weather
• Google Enterprise
• Google Autos
• Google Maps
• Google Kids
• Google Movies
• Google Games
• Google Translate
• Google Comedy
• Google Credit Card
• Google History
• Google Shopping
• Google Bible
• Google University
• Google Advertising
• Google Search

Honda noted that in light of the recent acquisition of Myspace, FaceBook and Twitter, Google will include its new service Google Humanity. In addition, a Googizon customer will have access to twenty different websites:

1. Fox News
2. Google Today
3. Amazon
4. Google In The News
5. The Heritage Foundation
6. Home Shopping Network
7. A Christian Nation
8. God Hates Fags and Jews (formerly known as the Westboro Baptist Church)
9. Alaska Today
10. Home Schooling with Sean Hannity
11. Google In The Future
12. The Bill O’Reilly Show
13. The John Birch Society
14. Real Americans From Real America (formerly known as SarahPac)
15. Jews for Jesus
16. Understanding History (formerly known as “The Newt Gingrich Show”)
17. The National Rifle Association
18. Small Minded But Proud
19. The World of Beck, Limbaugh and Coulter
20. Clean Coal Technology

When asked if current internet users will be upset because they will no longer be able to access the 109 million other websites that currently exist, Honda said, “Users will be so thrilled by the superb download speeds made possible through this vast reduction of web clutter that they will not really miss those other websites.”

But not everyone is thrilled with this merger. Protesters associated with the soon to be terminated website MediaMatters.org (the MediaMatters website will not be part of the Googizon web package) were outside Googizon headquarters handing out mimeographed letters of protest. “This is an affront to the free speech rights of every American citizen,” said MediaMatters spokesperson Wadda Bunch. “However, we will not be deterred. We are already planning a Peoples’ Internet that will use standard BBS software. We are hopeful that the FCC will grant us access to the Internet backbone but, if necessary, we can make it accessible to anyone who has a dial-up modem.” The American Federation of Teachers voiced concern that so many educational resources will disappear and will be replaced by a very narrow perspective of history and the world in general. However, Googizon Education Coordinator Ima Dolt said that the Googizon offerings have been thoroughly vetted by the prestigious Texas State Board of Education who approved the final list of websites.

Some have questioned the legality of the merger and have asked the US Justice Department and the Securities and Exchange Commission to block the merger until a full investigation has been completed. Both departments are expected to complete their reviews by the end of the week and many believe that the merger will not be blocked. Though two months away from assuming office, President-elect Palin, seen with Dick Cheney as they boarded a private jet, was showing enthusiasm for the merger.  “We Alaskans love mergers as do all real Americans,” she said.

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