Lost Time and “The Fog”
What has put me into the deepest of depressions is the realization of how much time has been lost. My perpetual mental “fog” lifts – albeit momentarily – only to reveal that I’ve been mentally asleep for so long it seems I’m starting life anew. There are so many things I should have done which can ONLY be done by using time to your advantage – like saving for my kids college tuition, or heck, ANY DAMNED SAVINGS – that a part of you is desperate to do something…anything…that you think will help to relieve the anguish.
When you are embedded in the fog – that mental radio1 that tunes all stations simultaneously with each competing for your attention – daily psychical survival (turning off the radio? detuning it? smashing it?) is the only thing that you focus on. You are like the deranged who hear voices in their head and desperately wish to make it stop. And somehow you do make it stop but using self-destructive methods: day dreaming, delusions of self-worth, drugs (illegal ones or “legal” ones like alcohol, tobacco or prescription drugs), carb overload (eating till your brain feels at ease…I often eat some sort of carbs in the evening which has a calming effect allowing me to sleep…sorta) . You grip onto anything that will stop you from sinking into the abyss: a significant other that seems to offer stability (often you control that significant other and manipulate them into some sort of submission so that you are in control and you are in control over the only thing you can control which is that other person…after all, you damned well know that you can’t control yourself). Each day slips by with little being accomplished except for the awaited arrival of your imaginary deus ex machina (a lucrative business deal? a magical inheritance?) that will resolve the daily mental struggles that will, so you hope, make the chaos go away. But it does not arrive and so, another day comes and again you are in the fog.
1- See: The Tyranny of Now
I know EXACTLY what you mean!
wow this add sucks lol i feel ya everything you say in the blog.. I havnt officialy been diagnosed but i took 15 test and all positive for the symtoms just not trying to fix myself ugh
Mark,
You summed it up quite well, “this add sucks.”
I recommend not waiting too long to fix yourself. The longer you put it off the harder it will be.
Jeff
typo ” trying to fix myself lol
Thank you for articulating what I’ve felt for soooooooo long.
Dev,
You are quite welcome. Sometimes all we need in life is a bit of “validation” that we are not the only ones experiencing something. Too often we think our experiences are unique when, in fact, they are experienced by many others.
I think we all can agree on this. A heavy load can be lifted, by knowing the reasons. A much heavier load can take its place if we don’t try to use the knowledge
to help ourselves. Just being here at Jeff’s is a good start for me.
Reading comments/posts/articles has been a learning expieriance about the way others have seen themselves. I am trying to see myself through the fog…
Scott.
This part of your blog is 100% me.
“You are like the deranged who hear voices in their head and desperately wish to make it stop. And somehow you do make it stop but using self-destructive methods: day dreaming, delusions of self-worth, drugs (illegal ones or “legal” ones like alcohol, tobacco or prescription drugs), carb overload (eating till your brain feels at ease…I often eat some sort of carbs in the evening which has a calming effect allowing me to sleep…sorta) . You grip onto anything that will stop you from sinking into the abyss”
Although it may seem sick in a way it is really nice to know that I am not alone AND that I am NOT crazy!
Carmen,
On the contrary, there isn’t any stigma in knowing that others suffer some of the same things you do. In fact, I think it helps reduce the feeling that you’ve been singled out for some sort of “divine” punishment.
Jeff,
I followed your link to this thread and see you’ve captured another one of my pet peeves.
How do you get it together to cut through the fog and keep this blog going?
I’m on meds which help me get through the work day, but that’s about all the gas I get. My family takes the weekends and the fog is back before I can get it together to work on my own projects to my satisfaction.
Jay,
Do not be fooled by what may appear to be my ability to “get it together.” I struggle with it all the time…every day. What keeps me coming back to the blog and writing is that it has become my therapy, the “public couch” where I tell all and get this stuff out of me so I can more clearly see it and see what I am dealing with.
Most recently I made the most important change to my meds: I started using Vyvanse. Absolutely wonderful! I feel like a V12 engine with all the pistons firing all day long! (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lisdexamfetamine) Sure…I still have my ADD moments but, damn, this stuff is WONDERFUL!!