Looking At A.D.D. From the Other Side of the Glass
[This post was written by Crimson, the spouse of an A.D.D.er. Crimson does not have A.D.D.]
There is a thought stuck in my head today. I want to have ADD. Please don't take offense, it's not a joke – I feel left out. I feel like a freak in my own home. Feelings are just that – emotion. No logical sense to them, they just are. It's not supposed to make sense. Practicality and logic are at war with emotion. I want to be able to understand the ADD – I want to be able to live in the moment and not be constantly worried about the future. I want to be unaware of Time. I want to live by my thoughts, desires, and emotions…and not be aware of the thoughts and emotions of those around me. I want to be creative and have dreams.
I can feel it – it's in the air and it's real, the difference in time, the difference in thought, the difference in speeds.
I am like the slow and steady plowhorse that somehow got hitched to the cart with a racehorse. He sets the goal and I try to go in that direction, steady and slow – but it doesn't take long and he's chomping at the bit. Life at Slow and Steady isn't very interesting. The goal has changed and the direction has changed and poor old plowhorse is being dragged along and hasn't gotten a chance to get it's feet under it, or for it's head to stop spinning. Productive it's not. There's usually a mess from such a change in destination – maybe bits and pieces of plowhorse hide and expensive cart repair…and hmmm lost a wheel somewhere…I want to feel alive and desired and appealing. I want to be lively and fun. I want to be loved and respected. I want to be a partner and to be important for what I bring into this partnership.
NT'ers (neurotypicals) read body language. To us, a lot of what is said is body language. When an ADD'er is off in hyperfocus constantly, say on the TV, or a video game, or the internet, to us they are removed from Life, and from us. When we speak and aren't heard, or are shrugged off, or feel not heard… well, our brain says "hey he doesn't think you're important". When we have issues and we speak up, it's like we are saying that there is something wrong with you, when all we mean is "I have a problem, help me." We can't get by the anger, or the wall of defensiveness ADD puts up when you feel threatened…our needs, and us with them are brushed off, we are a problem and worthless. We are unloved. We internalize all of this because we know the only thing we have control of is ourselves. We know it's not done on purpose once we know how ADD traits affect you – but that doesn't mean it doesn't do damage. When our ADD partner is having a bad day, hurting and angry…we see they tend to lash out, perhaps say things they don't mean about us, pick us apart. Or they withdraw from reality and hide in hyperfocus.
I wish I had that somedays. To say what I want and not care who catches the shrapnel. To be able to brush it off. To not be bound by the subtle rules of society and the boundaries of responsibility. To not be the bridle and the brakes. To be able quit my job on a whim and have no doubts there is another one to take it's place. To not worry about next week, next month.
I want to lift up my ADD'er, not hold him back. I want to be his strength and his shoulder when he needs to take a breath and refocus. I want to be benefit, not nemesis.
It's like a foreign country, and damn it I lost my guidebook!
Teach us how to reach you, how to build the bridge. We think we find a way through the wall, only to be shoved out by stress and life and issues we have no comprehension of. It tires us to try and find a new way through, the old way has usually been cemented over. I try not to judge. I try not to resent or hold anger. I try to find some comprehension, to adapt. Some days I fall down, I only wish there was someone to notice and pick me back up.
- Written by Crimson
"Love all, trust a few. Do wrong to none" ~~ William Shakespeare
"Thoughts are the shadows of our feelings – always darker, emptier and simpler." ~~Friedrich Nietzsche
I like the plowhorse/racehorse analogy.
Great post! Thanks for sharing the other side.
Very moving, Crimson. Thank you for sharing a partner’s perspective.
I’ve long joked about an ADHD Sadie Hawkins Day, where we partners of adults with ADHD turn the tables — just to get a feel for what it’s like to live in the way you describe (be careful what you wish for, little girl) but also to infuse our partners with empathy about what we commonly deal with. That often gets through more powerfully than a flood of emotion-packed words.
Also, even though I’ve been with my partner (who has ADHD) for 16 years, I’d have to say I was never a plowhorse. I was pretty creative myself, full of energy, humor and multi-talents. But the longer I was forced into the plowhorse role, the duller and more serious I became. It’s a pretty depressing place to be. Even a native plowhorse likes to relax in the green pasture every now and then, I imagine, without pulling an often-resisting load.
I find it much more to my liking to have more equal roles, where we both can do the plowhorse/racehorse thing without wrecking the entire cart.
As far as waiting for an ADHD partner to teach you how to reach through, well, that might be a long wait, depending on the type and severity of ADHD, not to mention a whole bunch of other factors that affect personality. I’m more inclined to say that if you want lasting changes, you might have to do the reaching — and pulling — through.
Thanks for sharing this, Jeff.
That’s the funny part, it’s not an actual wish per say – just a feeling I get on the days where I feel left out
And depending on the phases of the moon…. LOL It is hard to feel alone in your own family.
I also know improvement moves at his pace, and sometimes he needs shoved, but when he gets over-stressed I find he backslides into himself and emotionally runs away. Sometimes I do not have the strength to follow, and have to wait. Or I reach through and get shoved away.
And I have been the plowhorse, the race horse, the cheering squad, the fixer of messes for 17 years. All of those apply. For the first 12 years he had a job that took him away for days and weeks at a time, and I was home taking care of this end. We had no idea of the impact ADD could have, until we hit a crisis point.
Trust me, I no longer wait. If anything I am impatient to move forward, but cannot do all the work
We strive for balance. Whether it’s achievable… I hope so. I hope I have the strength.
Thank you Gina
I hear you, Crimson.
I hope he’s pursuing some good ADHD treatment strategies. They really can make a huge difference — for both of you. Granted, it’s often hard to find knowledgeable care providers. But once you do (even if you have to educate to guide them), things often can get a lot easier.
In the meantime, I hope you take care of yourself and drop the harness so you can recharge your batteries.
g
All we can do is try!
I appreciate all advice and input and like to be able to see things from both sides
I enjoy reading Jeff’s blogs and the information I gain from it.
Crimson,
Have you asked your partner how to connect with him? Every ADDer is different and needs to be treated uniquely. Set up some ground rules and also respect when he is in ADD mode and needs to go through his process of getting out. For me I need to be told this is important, walk away from what I am doing, and have a conversation in a different room. Each of us have our own handbook. Respect his, help him write it and follow through by referring back to it and expanding it.
We do appreciate our partners just for allowing us to be us.
I can see, by reading what spouses/partners of us ADDers are thinking. The things I was not seeing b4. It’s a wake up call.
Gina’s book has helped me understand, how it may feel to be my wife. My 1st step is listening carefully(patiently)to her, and find words to explain what I think she is saying. I think she understands I am trying to accept her difficulty in understanding why I appear to not pay attn. to her when she tells me about her day at work(for example).
I know it’s hard to deal with someone like me. But at least I know it is. (It’s probably hard for Y’all to understand what I just wrote).
Hi Scott,
Not hard to understand at all! Well said, in fact.
In my opinion, the hardest part of ADHD to deal with in a partner is the denial. Once that hurdle is overcome, I feel that anything’s possible.
It sounds like you’re making a concerted and sincere effort to learn and become more aware. That’s really great!
I hope your wife is also reading about ADHD and, perhaps equally important, getting validation for her perspective and experience. See Part II of the book.
For some partners of adults with late-diagnosis ADHD, it can be hard to move into understanding and awareness until their own pain is acknowledged. Only after that happens can start letting go of the past and focusing on new strategies.
best of luck!
g
Thank You Gina!
Another thing I/We discovered is the obvious(to my family)improvement that ADDERALLXR20 has done for my attn.
The 1st or 2nd day after I started taking it @5:00 AM, my Dad, who is my partner in our small independent contractor buis.(const.,carpentry,elect.windows,doors,add ons..etc..)told me he noticed I was’nt repeating instructions to him within 5 mins. after telling him the 1st time. He also said, one of things I have always done, is not letting him,or anyone,help me with a project I am working on,and seem to be annoyed if they try to help.
Same thing I do at home,or repairing cars w/stepson out in the shop. I can’t stop myself from jumping right in and doing it myself,if they have questions or problems doing it themselves. I am still that way,but I now realize it,and can control it better(it’s hard to be patient).
These are just some examples of the benefits of meds, that my family has noticed in me. It also helps w/fatigue related to M.S. symptoms,for me. It has’nt cured me,or completely stopped my compulsion to control all situations,but it has made me aware of it,and I am more open to accepting a comment about my denial to accept the reality of incurable diseases(I still think I can beat it,though).
Thanks again to all!!…Scotty.
dear crimson,
i am very very touched and inspired by your article about from the other side. You have helped me to see why there has always been so much blame assigned to me by my son, friends and family.
For all of my life, i have been a tremendously creative lady, but with short attention span, always managed to manifest enough money for our needs and luxuries, and kept my focus on creativity allowing the other family members in our large extended family to give my son and me the compassion, nurturing and organise everyday comforts, holidays, family holidays, family outings which I found ‘boring’ and impossible to focus on. I did give my intense love and guidance and trained many of them in skills, and praised and boosted their confidence, but i wonder if they realise that.
Later after my mother (my emotional anchor) passed away, i started depending on money paid persons whom i turned into surrogate family to provide the same structure and needs. Needless to say, I have discovered so late that they had all been getting rich at my expense.
It was reiki that started my becoming aware, showing me the extensive losses i had suffered and i started healing my relationships. My son has been the greatest hit by lack of continuity. I must tell you that you can tell your husband, that without the comfort and dependability and groundedness of the plowhorse, he
would be very lost, though he may not realise how important it is to have truly caring compassionate, understanding family members.
i found that everyone had the same comments as you have made, towards me including my son, the man i cared for madly, and my friends, sisters all. After months of anxiety, soul searching and puzzling it all out, I am ashamed to admit that i discovered that all my life it was they that had called and kept up with me. I only called when i had a purpose or reason, which was seldom because I stayed busy.
in 30-40 yrs, i had not called them to ask how they were more than 15-20 times each all told, and that too, as return calls or to invite them over on impulse.
I was always too busy with creative stuff, new friends, new horizons. The feelings of family and continuity and belonging, came from their regular efforts.
The relationships existed because of their “plowhorse ways” not my racehorse ways, and it was scary to find that they all used to say things like you are so arrogant, or you never think of anyone, oh amazing to hear from you or why cant you be sensitive, dont you understand the feelings of others, or its your tongue that really puts one off.
upto now, i always felt that they were blaming me, shaming me, and i have always reacted with disproportionate anger and greatly embarrased and confused my son to whom these relationships meant more security than I as his custodial parent did,(I have only realised all this now) and later felt remorse BUT I HAD NOT REALISED THAT I HAD ADD even now, its my assumption not diagnosis, and i always landing up feeling rejected and abandoned by all these persons. IT NEVER OCCURRED TO ME THAT THEY WERE EXPRESSING THEIR HURTS OR FEARS. I JUST FELT BLAMED AND REJECTED PERIOD.How could i have been so unaware and insensitive. I never even talked it out.
Hyperactive persons also have charm, joie de vivre, and I do know that everyone bothered with me also because I was funloving, enjoyable company, generous, exciting, added spark to get-togethers, but would also lose my temper violently and stomp out on the least critiscism or what i assumed to be mockery of me.AND AMAZINGLY, I NEVER CALLED BACK OR REPAIRED THE ALTERCATION BECAUSE I WOULD FEEL INCREDIBLY HURT AND JUST PUT IT OUT OF MIND AND SIGHT. Also, I seldom listened to their stories or issues.
NOW, after reiki, as i am healing situations, and relationships, all my behaviour, which must have appeared irrational, bossy, domineering and erratic and disrespectful to the plowhorses, is appearing before my eyes like a never-ending movie, and i fear that i am responsible for my son, who was like me highly talented sportsman, but like me, discipline problems,and teachers complaints being not focused, erratic performance etc. After death of his dad, whom he hardly got to know being with me, he went into extended mourning, and doctors diagnosed schizophrenia. however, i am now seeing signs of ADD in him, plus doing healing,that his energy needs to be channeled and focused, for which he needs to feel secure, and for which i need the plowhorses, who now say that they have played their roles all their life, and they are the past now.
Please tell me dear Crimson, how would you like your husband to explain to you so that you can understand him and feel validated and appreciated and thus forgive him, and help him to integrate into balance. I want to know how I need to speak to my son and family members to get their support back for my son and me, and to give us the same togetherness as they did before i asked for it, while I try to become a bit more of a plowhorse to be there in meaningful ways for my son and to provide him structure to move ahead in his life.
My fear is that as I try to be what I am not, I am losing my focus, creativity and high energy, and feeling inferior and low self-esteem, so what sort of a role model will i then be to my son.Plus I have started feeling old, boring and the fear of death haunts me when I focus on daily, mundane reality and issues eg tax returns, daily menus, budgeting, handling money, protecting possessions, calling friends and family,keeping up, talking after first thinking it through as others do.
Comments are invited from Crimson and Jeff and all others who are reading this. Your advice will be much valued.
dear crimson,
i am very very touched and inspired by your article about from the other side. You have helped me to see why there has always been so much blame assigned to me by my son, friends and family.
For all of my life, i have been a tremendously creative lady, but with short attention span, always managed to manifest enough money for our needs and luxuries, and kept my focus on creativity allowing the other family members in our large extended family to give my son and me the compassion, nurturing and organise everyday comforts, holidays, family holidays, family outings which I found ‘boring’ and impossible to focus on. I did give my intense love and guidance and trained many of them in skills, and praised and boosted their confidence, but i wonder if they realise that.
Later after my mother (my emotional anchor) passed away, i started depending on money paid persons whom i turned into surrogate family to provide the same structure and needs. Needless to say, I have discovered so late that they had all been getting rich at my expense.
It was reiki that started my becoming aware, showing me the extensive losses i had suffered and i started healing my relationships. My son has been the greatest hit by lack of continuity. I must tell you that you can tell your husband, that without the comfort and dependability and groundedness of the plowhorse, he
would be very lost, though he may not realise how important it is to have truly caring compassionate, understanding family members.
i found that everyone had the same comments as you have made, towards me including my son, the man i cared for madly, and my friends, sisters all. After months of anxiety, soul searching and puzzling it all out, I am ashamed to admit that i discovered that all my life it was they that had called and kept up with me. I only called when i had a purpose or reason, which was seldom because I stayed busy.
in 30-40 yrs, i had not called them to ask how they were more than 15-20 times each all told, and that too, as return calls or to invite them over on impulse.
I was always too busy with creative stuff, new friends, new horizons. The feelings of family and continuity and belonging, came from their regular efforts.
The relationships existed because of their “plowhorse ways” not my racehorse ways, and it was scary to find that they all used to say things like you are so arrogant, or you never think of anyone, oh amazing to hear from you or why cant you be sensitive, dont you understand the feelings of others, or its your tongue that really puts one off.
upto now, i always felt that they were blaming me, shaming me, and i have always reacted with disproportionate anger and greatly embarrased and confused my son to whom these relationships meant more security than I as his custodial parent did,(I have only realised all this now) and later felt remorse BUT I HAD NOT REALISED THAT I HAD ADD even now, its my assumption not diagnosis, and i always landing up feeling rejected and abandoned by all these persons. IT NEVER OCCURRED TO ME THAT THEY WERE EXPRESSING THEIR HURTS OR FEARS. I JUST FELT BLAMED AND REJECTED PERIOD.How could i have been so unaware and insensitive. I never even talked it out.
Hyperactive persons also have charm, joie de vivre, and I do know that everyone bothered with me also because I was funloving, enjoyable company, generous, exciting, added spark to get-togethers, but would also lose my temper violently and stomp out on the least critiscism or what i assumed to be mockery of me.AND AMAZINGLY, I NEVER CALLED BACK OR REPAIRED THE ALTERCATION BECAUSE I WOULD FEEL INCREDIBLY HURT AND JUST PUT IT OUT OF MIND AND SIGHT. Also, I seldom listened to their stories or issues.
NOW, after reiki, as i am healing situations, and relationships, all my behaviour, which must have appeared irrational, bossy, domineering and erratic and disrespectful to the plowhorses, is appearing before my eyes like a never-ending movie, and i fear that i am responsible for my son, who was like me highly talented sportsman, but like me, discipline problems,and teachers complaints being not focused, erratic performance etc. After death of his dad, whom he hardly got to know being with me, he went into extended mourning, and doctors diagnosed schizophrenia. however, i am now seeing signs of ADD in him, plus doing healing,that his energy needs to be channeled and focused, for which he needs to feel secure, and for which i need the plowhorses, who now say that they have played their roles all their life, and they are the past now.
Please tell me dear Crimson, how would you like your husband to explain to you so that you can understand him and feel validated and appreciated and thus forgive him, and help him to integrate into balance. I want to know how I need to speak to my son and family members to get their support back for my son and me, and to give us the same togetherness as they did before i asked for it, while I try to become a bit more of a plowhorse to be there in meaningful ways for my son and to provide him structure to move ahead in his life.
My fear is that as I try to be what I am not, I am losing my focus, creativity and high energy, and feeling inferior and low self-esteem, so what sort of a role model will i then be to my son.Plus I have started feeling old, boring and the fear of death haunts me when I focus on daily, mundane reality and issues eg tax returns, daily menus, budgeting, handling money, protecting possessions, calling friends and family,keeping up, talking after first thinking it through as others do.
Comments are invited from Crimson and Jeff and all others who are reading this. Your advice will be much valued.
Indra,
One night I got my husband to explain to me what it is like for him, inside his head. I told him I needed him to trust me enough to know I would not laugh at him, or put him down. I also told him that I needed him to try and see things from my perspective – and there is no place for BLAME on either side. Blame has no place in this relationship, and is not productive. It is only to find some sort of balance that we both can handle, without either of us getting resentful of the other. We still have days where our communication breaks down completely, we still have days that I am so tired that I react with the old knee-jerk reactions and days where I cannot fight my way back through the protective walls he builds around himself.
I try to tell my husband every day that I love him for who he is. I try to be gentle with my criticisms, and my requests. There are also days I want to whack him aside the head and telling him he’s lost complete touch with reality.
I have no problems with him telling me that he does not have the capabilities to deal with some things that I(from neurotypical perspective) had expected he could do – if I can deal with it I will, and there are things he will have to help with in what capacity he can. I do not let him use it as an excuse however!
I forgive on a daily basis. I do not expect forgiveness in return, only that he hears my point of view.
I think the moment of clarity for me was when he told me that I am his rock, the one constant in his Life, the one person who has never given up on him, even when he treated me badly. And that he was scared that I would be like everyone else in his Life and just give up on him. I am his balance – which takes tremendous energy on my part, and sometimes I fall down. I realize that he does not see that he needs to pick me up.
I have the capacity to forgive. I have the capacity to adapt my expectations. That doesn’t mean I am a doormat and I draw my line in the sand.
Talk to the ones you love, really talk to them, openly, honestly….trust them – trust in their love for you. I realize the world is so big and wonderful and full of new and interesting things that the “constant” people in Life get left behind, but Time waits for no man. It passes and you can’t get it back.
If this makes any sense to you – the Sun without it’s planets, is just a Sun, a ball of burning light….but with it’s planets, it’s a Solar System, an incredible awesome thing to behold.
You are welcome to contact me by email – Jeff can pass it along to you if you wish to have it.
Good luck to you
Gina,
What you say is so apt. As the “identified” person with ADD in this house, I spend a lot of time swinging from one side, to the other. Either I function better than many, or I am kidding myself. I don’t have the “luxury” of being the one someone reaches out to, the one who is drawn along by the steadiness of others.
In fact, whacked as I am, I am still the anchor for others. I am the person who animates the others, because while I am gone, they are often held in a kind of suspension without external stimulation.
As far as the relationships are concerned, it is a wonder we all still like each other, more of the time than not. I know I am resented sometimes, for both my incompetence, and for my competence. I often wish for the freedom to flake out, to forget without untoward consequences, to turn around and find the kitchen counters are visible at last.
If there is structure here, it is generated out of my herky-jerky ways. I have an excellent Mind, run by a deficient Brain.
As some one who has a partner with ADD and have ADD myself, I can say it isn’t any easier. ADD can manifest itself in many ways, and I’ve managed to compensate for it for 50 years (that’s how old I was when I finally talked to the doctor about it and started medication.
So when my husband is just getting in the shower, when I’m ready to go (I like to arrive early)…
I also enjoy being able to take advantage of it. He is usually surprised on his birthday, when I make his favorite lasagna for dinner and a cake while he’s wandering in and out of the kitchen doing other things. Me, I like to watch the minute details of what is going on around me, so he can’t surprise me, especially when I asked for a surprise 50th birthday party. Although if it wasn’t for that card going around the church while I was in the back dealing with the projection system, I might have missed the cues.
Fortunately for me one of the things he is pretty intense on is working. That doesn’t mean he doesn’t have problems in the work environment, although this latest job has been the longest he’s worked at any company in his life – over 6 years.
The biggest problem I have is that we both work at home and my office has no door and I’m right next to the kitchen and living room. We have different hours and since he starts later than me he can be very distracting getting up in the morning. We have another room upstairs with a door, but he won’t make any effort of moving his stuff out (it used to be his room until he took over the basement rec room).
Betsy,
I love how you put things! I know that I do not resent my DH’s work ethic, or how capable or competent (or incompetant) he is – after all, humanity is diverse with varying degrees of ability. I enjoy the impulsiveness he brings to Life, when he is on his “Up” phase…but there are days that I resent having to be the steady reliable one all the time. And even when I ask specifically for something, be it his hand to hold when I am afraid, support in something I want to do, planning something for us as a couple, or a family …. none of it SEEMS important to him and I am usually left to my own devices and disappointment when work is more important than me, or when his ideas and wants overwhelm him …and his wallet. The “sharing Life” partner part of it seems hard & almost impossible for him to maintain, and I am left invisible and left behind. No matter what tactic I use – logic and rational conversation, hardnose, “sucking it up” until I have a mini mental breakdown – nothing has the ability to maintain communication consistency. It makes it difficult – I know my thoughts and ideas and needs are just as important as his but I am constantly fighting the emotions of feeling unworthy of his attention and time.
The “consistently inconsistent” part of it makes me feel very alone.
And parenting an ADHD child, and an as-yet-unknown, without a daily partner (his job takes him away for days at a time, weeks even) all I can do is try to address the challenges of daily life and provide what stability I can.
Crimson
Just want to express how pleased I am that all of you have responded so warmly and wonderfully to Indra’s comments.
Indra, I want to pick up on this comment you made: “I have started feeling old, boring and the fear of death haunts me when I focus on daily, mundane reality and issues eg tax returns, daily menus, budgeting, handling money, protecting possessions, calling friends and family,keeping up, talking after first thinking it through as others do.” I’ve also noticed a much greater awareness of death. I believe it’s the result of a few things. First, it’s a function of getting older. For me, it was when I turned 50 years old that I began to see things differently. Whereas in the past I looked towards a seemingly infinite horizon, now, to some degree, I am beginning to see an endpoint. While I hope the end is many years away, still, it is no longer an unimaginably long number of years away. I can, in fact, imagine those years (25? maybe more?). Second, this awareness of death is enhanced by focusing on daily, mundane reality because in doing so, by focusing on these small tasks, you are becoming fully aware of the passage of time. You are truly beginning to understand time and, in so doing, you are also understanding that you have only a finite time to live. Time is no longer some nebulous, fuzzy concept but has become something you can understand, you can feel. That understanding has brought on the realization that for you – for all of us – your time will end.
Betsy…I may steal this from your comment. I absolutely LOVE IT!!
“I have an excellent Mind, run by a deficient Brain.”
What a wonderful thread. But sorry Jeff, Betsy has an excellent brain in addition to an excellent mind.
As for death, my husband used to say he wouldn’t allow me to die, that he’d arrange to have me cryogenically suspended until they could cure whatever ailed me.
“I don’t want to be frozen!” I’d tell him, “I don’t want to come back to find that my body is being used as an ear or nose plantation — rows of ‘em up and down each leg. Why don’t you just focus on enjoying me while I’m here instead of making me stick around for eternity.”
I’m just asking a question too spouses of ADDers. Last night While talking to my wife(mostly me talking),she w/a humourous tone says…;”Ok Scotty,go away now”. It’s all in humour,but she knows I know I’m rambling on about whatever I think about religion,politics,drama queens..etc you name it,I have an opinion. I laugh and say..”Okie dokey honey,I’m gonna do what I told you I was trying to remember to do now.” She says ..”Ok,Mr. Over anylizer…see ya…go now before you forget again.”
My question is>Is this anything like your everyday living w/an ADDer? Or am I just an “Over-Anylizer”,in addition to being a diagnosed ADDer?
Scott.
Scott..
This happens all the time at my house LOL ..my DH has opinions on everything and anything, and alot of good ways to deal with alot of it….and he will analyze ideas and bend and shape and run things through his head until it HAS to work. Hours of conversation about such things…at times I let him ramble to me, other times I am too tired to even attempt to follow his train of thought, but I try to let him know that as much as I care about him I cannot always be the sounding board. Sometimes I can talk about such stuff with him for hours and I love the fact that he makes me think. At times if my opinion differs from his he is ok with it, and other times he does not have the capacity to hear my difference of opinion.
All in all, I try to handle it with humor and/or kindness…but sometimes it makes me feel like I’m going nuts LOL
Scott, I think that’s part of the ADD, and — my guess is — largely due to the fact that when your mind is churning 99.9% of your waking time, you eventually get around to thinking about pretty much every topic you encounter, in occasionally exhaustive detail. On the bright side, we’re less likely to be caught “flat-footed” in any random conversation
.
Scott,
Yes, that sounds pretty familiar. Slightly different flavor, but the same casserole. (I have the dubious privilege of being on both sides, so I get to answer/respond to posts about either the one who has it, or the one whose spouse has it.)
Here, we say things like, “Oh, there you go again,” or, “If you would stop talking, I could finish,” or, “Could you go back to the part where you began to answer my question?” or, “You want to borrow my keys, why? Oh, you can’t find yours. Well, no, I don’t think that would be good judgment on my part. I can help you look for yours, though (me talking, having many years ago mastered the key problem after keeping a locksmith on retainer for a couple of years).”
Some of that “analyzing” is the brain trying to make things more complicated as a way of stimulating itself. Without that, the brain tends to check out altogether. It is more interesting – and keeps the brain in the job — to think about things in their not-simple form, even though when simple, problems can be solved readily. I find it hard to solve easy things – it is what makes me seem impractical – for that reason.
Thank you everyone,
It’s not a problem here,because my wife knows me,and the symptoms of my other disease,that has affected my speech since aug 06. I take a long time finding words & get tounge tied while speaking,and break out laughing at myself,when I hear it….She understands,and knows I am not offended when she tells me to go away.
When all this other disease things started, & the results of MRI,we were called to see my family Dr. that day. She broke down when the Dr. shows the pics. and the 12 brain tumors(callin em lesions now). I think she is so glad my not dead now,that the ADD is not as hurtfull our relatinship.
She told me 6 yrs ago,way before I ever even had any nuero probs, that she suspected I was a little ADD,from what she had learned from my family about my childhood. We didnt even meet until 7 yrs ago,( we both were single,and have children from previuos marriages,that were unhappy relationships) so I think the hard lessons we learned about unfaithfull,abusive previuos spouses, lets us be thankfull, and understanding,about things,and not lose our tempers over each others faults.
One of the things that attracted her to me was my funny way of looking at life, and willing to try new ways of living and not be the avarage sterotypical couple.(its hard to explain).
Ginas book has helped me very much to avoid letting my gaurd down and making the mistakes that others have explained to her about living w/an ADDer. And so has JeffsADDmind,and these posts by you all. Thank you again.
Scott.
That’s what I find hard – how he overcomplicates the easy problems….and then there is the flip side, where things are complicated but he tells me they aren’t! Such as…moving his rig to another company without one bit of planning. 6 weeks with no income is not EASY, it’s actually quite complicated!
Crimson,
I think,..No,I know now,that my over-anylizing is a way of rationalizing the way I do things.I’m not realy talking to her,I’m trying to convince myself how what I think is the way to “Rule the world” we(my family)live in. So I am trying to remember to phrase things I say this way>..Instead of saying ;”The problem w/people is they.” I say ;”The problem w/me is I.” And not assume everyone is doing what they do, just because I “Think” they do. Does this make any sense? Or am just over anylizing this,like I do everything(chuckle)?
Scott.
Scott,
You hit on an interesting point, namely, that you are really trying to convince yourself. Too true. What I say to people is that I am thinking out loud, that I am speaking to you (whoever the target audience is) AND I am speaking to myself at the same time.
Jeff,
You put that very well & as always, you do understand what I try to say.
Crimson,
You know via my comments,my respect for you and I understand your feelings,and am helped by your insight.
On your “I want to have ADD”. I know exactly how you feel in some ways. So this is no attempt to argue or complain about them. I will just tell you what I have found to be true for me.
Before I ever was concerned about having any traumatic event in my life. I would hear of ppl being diagnosed with terminal illness’s and what they did and thought about it. I would say: “Well this is what I would do if it happened to me.” I dont have at this time what I define as a terminal illness,but there was a period of months where it was thought to be(thats still being debated, but I’m still up-n-going every day, so thats irrelevent to me),but I do know I was very wrong about what I would do.
When I said I knew what I would do,I thought I would just go away and be alone and let it happen,and cram every selfish pleasure I could think of before it took me.But I didnt,and chose to fight and found a streangth I didnt know I could ever have.
It could very easily been the other way around. My only point here is to show how it feels to “Not be there” then later “Be there.” And the thing all of us ADDers don’t have is that when it becomes obviuos we have always had ADD. So as I said at the start of this post/comment,I do know what your feeling,and understand the reason. I can tell you only what I feel about my own ADD,and I know you wouldnt like the way it can affect my mind,if you could see inside it. I do hope your husband will benefit as much as I have with medications and your quality of life improves every day.
Scott.
I know about that talking aloud, someone saying, “What?” and being inconvenienced by the request to repeat what, for me, is no longer of any interest at all. Like Jeff, I have been thinking aloud and was mistaken for starting a conversation.
When I am by myself, though, I do not think aloud, which must be annoying for those who live with me and find themselves cast as talking posts instead of sentient, thinking human companions.
In my defense, it is also true that I have no need to think aloud when alone, because its purpose is often to keep myself on track in the context of the distraction created by the very presence of another person in the room.
As for trying to convince oneself that one is correct, that is not exactly my thing. On the contrary, I have often thought that if people would only do what I suggest, their lives would be so much better.
Crimson,
In my last comment of “If you could see in my mind.”The more I re-read your post(I’ve read all posts on this subject over and over many times,this subject is very important to me),I have to tell you…You are very close to seeing in my mind,and probably your husbands.This is a good thing. So don’t think I am trying to criticize your “wanting to have ADD” thoughts,I do know what you mean.
Scott.
Scott, I appreciate your comments
and although I like who I am quite well, there are days that I feel my husband does not. I know that he does – but let’s say his ADHD does not. And there are still things that I require from the relationship that are there when I don’t need them and not when I do! I am having a hard time with a medical issue causing an emotional issue, and my husband is stressed because of work and is unavailable for the support I need, making me feel sooo important LOL
It gets very confusing – knowing the logic of the symptoms of it, and trying to reconcile the emotions I have because of it.
Thank you for your insight
Crimson,
I am the one who should be thanking you. My wife just had a mass removed from her breast, and it was days before it was comfirmed “NOT CANCER!!”(I cant think of the word). But the days before surgery, and the waiting after, were very stressfull for her and me.
It had to be hard for her to listen to me analyizing,and trying to convince her not to worry about it…and just a bunch of thoughts I had about it.I talk in circles and probably caused more stress for her.
I have to realize she dose’nt think the same weird way I do about things. I hope your medical problems turn out as good as hers have,Crimson. And THANK YOU for sharing your thoughts, and feelings, about living with an A.D.D.er, and the emotional stress we/I put on the ones we love the most. I do know it has to be hard for you. Please keep us posted about this.
Scott.
Scott
Sometimes you just have to put your arm around her and say NOTHING lol. That’s all we need! No analyzing or anything – just be a shoulder. I know in ways it adds to my stress when my DH is “unavailable” when I need an ear and shoulder..I have no time to cultivate friendships with the responsibilities of 2 children (one ADHD, one neurotypical), helping my father and my handicapped mother (she had a stroke from a brain aneurysm at 38) and my DH is a long haul trucker and away 95% of the time, so sometimes the majority of Life falls on my shoulders. And it’s heavy!
I can imagine the relief hearing the “NOT CANCER” would be – my boss’s wife just turned 70 and on her birthday had surgery to remove a lump from her breast that was cancer, and starts her radiation treatments today. They caught it early thank god.
Mine is a strange one – teratoma on my ovary. They are what they call a dermoid, they are stem cells stuck in the wrong spot that grow weird things like teeth and hair. I had them on both sides 7 years ago, they were discovered while I was pregnant with our 2nd son. They did a partial hysterectomy and removed one with my right ovary that was 4 inches in size and weighed a pound. And part of my left ovary as well. (I claim I am trying to clone myself, because it will take 2 of me to deal with this ADD stuff!) It really messed me up – mphysicall, mentally, hormonally and emotionally…and my husband was emotionally AWOL during that time – his rationale being that “I thought you were dying and it was easier for me to withdraw from it so it wouldn’t hurt as much”
O-KAY
My answer was “So now my biggest fear now is going to be if I ever get something terminal – you are telling me I’m going to die without you being there for me? I think that’s CRUEL. I think you would be there just to make sure I go, cause trust me if I recover by some miracle, you are going to hear it!”
I cross my fingers because dermoids are generally non-cancerous but the chance is there. And they say there is only a 5% chance of recurrence but I ended up in that percentage LOL So I am looking at more surgery and/or a hysterectomy because it’s growing and is almost 2 inches now *SIGH*
So – I will say I love the “weird way” my husband thinks – but sometimes I just need to know that he does have ME in his mind too, amongst all the noise the world throws at him.
Anyone remember the cellular ads ..”Do you hear me now?”
Let’s just say – for alot of years I thought I was going INSANE. I now understand so much more, and beacuse I am willing to understand, my state of mind is much more calm.
Give your wife a hug and tell her how glad you are to have her.
Crimson
Crimson,
Is’nt just great to be in that 2-5% of patients!?(I’m kidding). But I can totaly relate to you in that respect,to all the med. things in my own life.
I can see by your words that you are a “Fighter” and you have fought many battles. I know the feeling of being alone(my own fault),but you not alone. Believe me, when I say…Your DH is concerned and thinking about you alot more than he is able to show to you.
You are learning more about him, than he probably knows about himself. I see this in my own DW, as she can read my mind(so to speak)…but I also am learning to understand her/you,and the stress she is going through.
I will give her a big hug, and listen,instead of avoiding the reality of her stress, and trying to convince her that I can solve all the problems.(I would be,and am a big liar about knowing everything..LOL).
Scott.
Scott,
It’s a male thing LOL to try to fix things…..some things can’t be solved and Life has to just be let to flow along for a bit, there are lessons there if we can slow down long enough to see them.
Take off that White Knight hat for a bit, put your arm around her shoulders and listen, and trust me I know it’s hard because some thought occurs and you want to spit it out, or maybe you can’t sit still because there are million things that suddenly need done….forget about it LOL
Look at her, hear her, give her validation of her feelings, tell her by saying nothing that she is the most important thing in the world to you.
I don’t know about the “Fighter” part LOL but I know I feel like I’ve been in a war and it’s not over yet…
One day at a time
Crimson