It’s not productive to think of ADHD as a curse.
It’s definitely not productive to think of it as a gift.
But there are
days weeks months when I wish it would leave me the f**k alone, when I wish it would get the f**k out of my way, when I wish it would stop complicating every part of my life.
The other day I saw a list that had a title something like “How To Get The Most Out Of That F**king ADHD Curse That Has F**ked Up Your Life For Decades.” There were some great ideas on how to make the most with a f**ked up prefrontal cortex but, part way through the list, my meds wore off and I exploded.
“I’m f**king tired of inspirational sh*t! I don’t wanna be inspired to do something. I want to f**kin’ do it already.”
That’s what’s great about being an ADHDer. You’re always preparing to live. Well, I’m sick and tired of this state of becoming. I just want to be.
And I wish, oh, I wish, that for twenty-four hours, that the f**king curse/gift would leave me the f**k alone.
* * * * *
Question: Why don’t more ADHDers commit suicide?
Answer: Because they have ADHD.
That’s one of my favorite dark humor jokes. But I don’t usually jump right to the punch line. I illustrate it with examples.
Scenario 1 – Forgot To Do It
I decide I’m going to kill myself next week.
Next week arrives.
I didn’t write it down.
I forgot about it.
Scenario 2 – I Put It In My Calendar
I choose the month, day and time and write in my calendar, “Kill yourself.”
Excellent. It’s scheduled. Keeping a calendar is a good thing for an ADHDer to do.
Problem. I often forget to check my calendar.
Scenario 3 – I Put It In My Google Calendar
I choose the month, day and time and put it in my Google calendar. Ten minutes before self-annihilation it emails a reminder.
“Reminder: kill yourself – 3:30PM.”
I search for the gun. It might be under the piles of papers that are sitting on my desk but I won’t touch them because, you know, piles are ADHD kryptonite.
Scenario 4 – I Found The Gun
Okay. Let’s say I finally found the gun. Now what happens?
“Oh my god! This thing is filthy. I should clean it first.”
I finish cleaning and reassembling the gun. It only took three days. During that time, the rain stopped, my wife finally gave in to a “quick one,” and the meds sort of work. The urge to kill myself is gone.
* * * * *
There’s a crisis comin’ in the world of ADHD. Sure. Crisis is a relative thing and what’s a crisis for me may not be a crisis for you. But you late diagnosed ADHDers, you know what I’m talkin’ about. You lived through one crisis. You were undiagnosed for decades and you made a mess of your life and everyone else’s life. And you’re gonna get to do it one more time. Even though you have your diagnosis, you know you’re gonna get older and older and, you know what, I don’t think there’s any longitudinal data out there to tell us what to expect when you’re an old broken down ADHDer, when the normal brain rot of aging kicks in but you’ve already got a brain that’s less than optimal. I don’t know if Barkley is gonna whip out a fancy Power Point at an annual CHADD meeting to warn us about the potential dangers or if Hallowell is working on Driven to Distraction In A Motorized Wheelchair. There’s a part of me that’s terrified about what’s to come. I’m terrified by the prospect of an aging body not being able to move because, you know, an ADHDer that doesn’t move is kinda like a shark that doesn’t move. It dies.
* * * * *
So, where the f**k is all that intelligent design? If YOU, Mr. Invisible Cloud Dweller, are so intelligent, then what was the point of Seasonal Affective Disorder? Why not just make the day sixteen hours long? After all, Mr. Invisible Cloud Dweller, you’re big enough and strong enough to make heaven and earth, to separate dark from light, so why didn’t you do it the right way from the beginning? Why do a half-assed job? Why have days where the amount of sunshine shrinks and grows and, to make matters worse, why make some of us sensitive to those changes? Was this part of your vast eternal plan or are you just f**king with us?
One more thing.
Why is there more hair on my buttocks than on my head?