Coming Out of the (A.D.D.) Closet

Fascinating Blog! Love the ADD footnote style of writing. Thanks for coming out at lunch. -h

And thank you (and everyone else at the lunch) who did not recoil at my news.

I have to come out sometimes, when trying to explain to a customer, how I do this or that, why I did, how it works,etc… I feel like I may sound like I am talking down to them, or don’t know what I am doing, when I must talk slowly and in syllables sometimes(long words). Many times it will lead to a long conversation about A.D.D.,meds, and so on. Somewhat like Jeff mentioned about a clients brother having A.D.D and the coincidence of it.

I was at first surprized at how many customers friends,family,or even themselves are A.D.D.ers! You can actualy learn alot about managing A.D.D.. When you “come out” and talk about it that way. You don’t have to limit yourself to blogs,forums,etc..only. Ya gotta get out and see sometimes.

Scott.

I have also noticed, over the years, that there are people who think they have A.D.D. but they really don’t. It’s one thing to be a bit forgetful and scattered, quite another to have a lifetime of half-baked schemes, constant job shifting, financial troubles, etc.

Yes!! Exactly!! Jeff,

Then the other side… when I was helping a guy get started on his “Handy home owner project”
just a couple weeks ago for example: That day I was getting a bit “Mentally drained” about 6pm. My 6a.m. 20XRAdderall had already worn off apperently, and I did’nt have my afternoon ADD meds w/me that day.

I normaly don’t take em on the weekends, they are 10mgAdderall as needed for breakthrough fatigue, and I had’nt planned on being there that late. So anyway, I had layed some of my tools,scews,etc.. down in different places, and for the life of me, I could’nt remember if I had even brought some of them with me! I was getting frustrated and out of focus(to put it mildly). The guy I was helping seamed a bit concerned about my state of mind, so I just apologized and did’nt feel like “coming out” and explaining, other than to say: “Man I am ok, I’m just lose my mind sometimes.”

He replied, just like so many others do with: “Hey brother, it’s ok, we all do that from time to time.” I just smiled and took the tools I lost, he found just a few feet away from me, and slowly finished what I was doing. I could see that he most likely would be a guy who dose’nt believe ADD is real, and I was having an ADD moment, and did’nt feel like arguing it.

Scott.

"half baked"…half baked. I resent the possibility that I might at any time be half-baked. Although due to the fact that I can't smoke pot (it's not a good time for me) I shall never be fully baked, all ADHD aside.

Would you like to know how I met my boyfriend, ADHD-boy? Oh yes, yes you would…it's because I outed myself as an ADHDer at an artist networking event. At the time he had just started taking medication for his ADHD/anxiety combo and he was floored and inspired that I had plunked that bit of information in the middle of a conversation (in a logical spot…though I didn't have to). It also emboldened him to ask me out…he had already had the "noticed you when you walked into the room" moment and that just pushed him into "I need to get to know this one" territory.

Outing has its benefits He's a tasty morsel (yum)…and we're one big fat good time together. One big fat good time of reminding each other of stuff, lol…

I am also lucky to have bosses who are cool to talk to about who you really are…which is nice. In fact they have been great supports this past year when I was first exploring treatment.

I don't shout it from EVERY mountaintop…but I find it useful to do so from many of them. Some of the best outing moments? When I'm talking to parents about their ADHD kids…the second I hear someone say it, I lay the info out there…they seem to like seeing that ADHD adults are not in some way automatically doomed.

Outing myself also gave me the opportunity to be a guest speaker for a local mental health group…in other words I got a chance to inspire others with mental health issues.

It also gave me the chance to give a sorely needed pep talk to a younger fellow adult ADHDer in my grad school program who was really scared about school.

It's important for us to be selective about who we share personal info with…but also important to be aware of the possibilities of greater goods existing if we are willing to reveal a little bit of ourselves in the right situations.

And PS: GOOD FOR YOU! I'm proud

Thank you.

I liked your post today about outing your ADD self. I feel the same way. If I'm to take ADD seriously, I can't hide it. I have to talk about it.

Anything concealed has the potential to cause embarrassment. I need to wear my ADD hat in public, as goofy as it might appear, to spare me the anxiety of hiding it.

There's a part of me that wonders on the wisdom of this — talking in public about my difficulty with organization and deadlines when I'm looking for art directors to use my work.

But my whole approach to work has changed since the diagnosis, and things have never been better. It used to be that I'd be lucky to have a few days a week that felt complete and satisfying, work-wise (and even that's an exaggeration — let'[s make it one day a week.) The rest was filler. Spacing out, working on non-work-related distractions. The usual.

I had dreams, plans, projects, and most of them were never finished. Many were barely begun. And the ones that were finished were probably over-finished, over-worked, polished to a useless perfection.

I really wish I'd been diagnosed twenty years ago.

Now that I've erected ADD-friendly scaffolding in my work day — the LIST, the CLOCK, the TIMER, and most importantly the AWARENESS — I'm finishing projects that would usually remain a pile of lumber and a box of nails.

The other reason for coming out is that new people are diagnosed with ADD every day. They go online and look for information; reassurance that they have company. With luck they'll find a few blogs that reflect their philosophy, their view of the glass half-full.

By speaking out on my particular glass, I'm increasing the odds that they'll find one.

I definitely understand that feeling that you wish you were diagnosed years ago. Boy…our lives would have turned out very very differently if we had that knowledge. And I'm still being a bit cautious as to who knows about my A.D.D. It's not exactly the first thing I say to client and there are some clients that it's just not a good idea to share this information with them.

Katy,

There have been a few instances when I felt compelled to mention my A.D.D. and have, for the most part, not regretted doing so. But there have been times when I mentioned it to a small group of people and, well, you don't always know how to interpret their silence. I've become much more comfortable with the silence by ignoring it, pretending it didn't happen, or by pretending that the silence doesn't mean anything (some people don't really know what to say in response).

Right now, outing myself is kind of like wearing a new suit. I take it out of the closet, wear it for a particular occasion, and then put it back in the closet. I'm getting much more comfortable, and much closer, to wearing that "suit" every day.

Jeff,

Thats a wise decision I think. I learned this myself. I must take into consideration, the possible negitive results that may occur, before I speak about anything when I am working for one of the thousands of customers I have had to meet. I do alot of my work for home-owners that live close to and work for the Univ. Of Okla. Many of them are from different states(or nations around the world),that are well educated professers at the college.

I can spot a, what I call an “Intellectual self consumed nightmare” pretty quick. If I mention A.D.D. about myself, they most likely will respond with a comment that they think is a clever way to say ADD is a myth, and I am just too intellectualy below them to realize this. Heres the translation; He’s just a carpenter in Okla. that most likey dropped out of school in the 3rd grade, and thats why He’s having His problems. And that’s that……Which is absolutely un-true. I would’nt be the profession carpetner I am without finishing school and learning some of the most important things that require a good deal of math(algabra,physics…etc). I dare not point out to this customer the difference between his salary as a professer, and mine. I’m just an old hillbilly carpenter whith ADD. That knows when to not talk to certain people. I learned that the hard way though, because I am an ADDer…lol

I don't feel inclined to identify myself to others as "ADD." When I open up to them, I prefer to confide things like "I have trouble keeping track of time," or "I get bored with stuff really quick and it sometimes gets in the way of my work," or "I hyperfocus on things and it's hard for me to switch gears without taking a little break," etc.

In my comment about college professers, I don’t want anyone to think I was putting all the professers in the same catagory of “Intellectual self consumed nightmare”. Most that I meet are down to earth people with great skills that I admire. But I think if you have had the pleasure of meeting and talking with people that are students(like my daughter, who is 4thyr pre-med @ O.U.),or have been one yourself, you may understand what I mean. Also I realy should’nt blame anyone for putting me in catagory, that comes with my occupation.

Ellen,

Your approach makes sense. Some of it comes down to ones comfort level but also what you feel is appropriate. There's definitely no right answer concerning this issue.

And if someone says "Gee, maybe you have ADD" I'll nod and smile and shrug, "Yeah, maybe."

This probably isn't going to be a popular opinion, but I just don't see any upside in publicly self-identifying as someone with a "condition." Some people understand, but some don't – and as others have found out, the people who don't understand sometimes like to use your self-identification as a weapon against you. The minute you give yourself to them neatly packaged as "ADD," you give them a potent rock to throw at you. Personally, I just don't think the risk is worth it.

Ellen,

I agree with you 100% There is no upside to publicly outing oneself. I found that out when I was first diagnosed. However, for me it's now six years down the road since my diagnosis. I have a greater understanding of my condition. I have a greater sense as to whom I can share this information with. I'm also at a stage of life where I don't care too much what others may think of me and, quite honestly, I'm outing myself for my sake. I'm tired of hiding it. I'm tired of not being able to talk about it. Again, I pick and choose my audience but I'm the one who is driving this train. It actually give me a greater sense of freedom and control.

You make a good point Ellen,

Before I was ever diagnosed with any medical or mental problems, I knew little about ADD or mental disorders. I was quick to judge, and would think to myself, “This is just an excuse for bad behaviour or a person who just wants sympathy and attention”. So yes I just need to remember that I was guilty of the same things that I saw in others.

It is frustrating to not be understood, and I still have alot things I don’t understand. I do understand you, and agree on your point. Thank you Ellen!

[...] I can no longer tolerate being constrained. I am ready to own my ADHD, to embrace it, not as a foreign object but as an integral part of me. ( See Koretsky’s book on working with your ADHD.) I’m finally understanding the need to allow myself to be who I really am. I’m ready to go to the next step, to make ADHD a part of my daily existence in that other world, the world occupied by (self-described) “normal” people. I’m ready to open the ADHD closet door all the way. (See Coming Out Of The (A.D.D.) Closet) [...]