After years of ADHD symptoms and struggles — dating back to elementary school — Jeff Siegel was diagnosed with ADHD at the age of 46. That diagnosis was “bittersweet,” says Siegel. “On the one hand it’s a relief, you know exactly what the answer is,” he says. But on the other hand, there’s fear too — that it’s something you can’t get rid of. [ Click here to read the whole post ]

Oh. Before I forget. I should mention that the ADHDer referred to in that Everyday Health post is me.

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Thoughts on a Wellbutrin-less Theme,
or
My Search For the Gift of Adhd

if only I could sit
if only I could sit I’m sure that I can
write a novel or three
a history book or two.

if only I could sit I could write a  new computer game, or create a painting or two.

if only I could sit I could take the
contents of my brain and pour it out
onto paper and lay it before me
and sort it
and shape it
and refine it.

if only I could sit.

if only I could sleep I could lick this
ADHD.
I could control my day,
I could do what I must do.
if only I could sleep.

Post Script

I am waiting patiently for the gift to arrive and, so far, I have not seen any evidence of magical powers. I have found that my patience has gone down to zero and I can only concentrate in five minute increments. To perform a task for longer than five minutes requires that I, metaphorically, stick my head in a vise and squeeze my brain into submission, usually while listening to some good toe-tapping music on my headphones as I dance about in my desk chair. Overall this Wellbutrin-less existence has been an absolute disaster and I need to get back on the medication.

But I must confess to a definite difference between living a medicated and non-medicated state…besides the obvious increase in physical and mental chaos. I noticed a marked difference in the rate that ideas are generated. Others have pointed this out and I think there’s some truth to it. Ideas flow at a much faster rate when compared to my medicated state. However, it is nearly impossible to retain any of the ideas long enough to actually act on them. They flit by at lightning speed and they have the consistency of wisps of smoke. They seem to be within grasp and as soon as you reach out to hold onto them they disappear. This heightened intellectual fecundity is, I believe, self-delusion. It only seems like you’re experiencing some sort of intellectual renaissance when, in actuality, you are likely experiencing more ‘noise in the system’ and mistaking this noise for ideas. The internally high noise level, which is the ‘natural state’ for ADHDers, seems more intellectually stimulating (at least for the small percentage of ADHDers who are intelligent) and, therefore, misleads the ADHDer into thinking that the number of ideas has grown exponentially. What has really happened is that the system noise has increased exponentially and the ability to filter out the noise and focus on the ‘good’ ideas (yes, every idea is not necessarily good) has nearly disappeared.

I’ve also noticed a marked increase in physical activity. My body screams at me to get up and move and not just walk but lift things with my arms and shoulders. It’s dying to get all the muscles moving. I’ve started to think about rejoining a gym or, at the least, getting some home gym that would allow me to pump a little iron and then run back to my desk to work. All this new found activity has been focused on my home and is evidenced in the photos of my Facebook page (a few photos are below). I’ve built two fences, rewired most of the outdoor lights, rewired parts of the garage, rearranged everything in the garage to give myself more working space, and so on.¹ As a result of all this I’ve been losing weight which is not surprising now that I’ve become a perpetual motion machine.

When I’m back on medication I’d like to figure out how to keep up the level of physical activity.

Corner Fence

Side Fence

1. If I were to change careers one more time, I’d go into the construction trades.

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…the history of philosophy is but “a series of footnotes to Plato”. – Alfred North Whitehead

…all current and future research about ADHD is but a series of footnotes to the work of Russell Barkley – Jeff Siegel

Executive Functions

Intention Deficit Disorder

Emotional Regulation

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How do you describe ADHD to a non-ADHDer? At the mere mention of the word many will conjure up images of a disheveled boy who is literally bouncing off the walls. (Of course girls can have ADHD but that’s not the first image that usually comes to mind.) To make matters worse, the very name of our “gift” — Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder — adds additional confusion. Some ADHDers do not have the “H” component¹ and, therefore, are thought not to have ADHD at all. Then there’s that awful phrase “Attention Deficit.” If that was the ONLY deficit we had we’d be in great shape. Unfortunately that’s not the case. We also have to contend with the myths. For example, there are those who think ADHD is a “childhood” problem that disappears when one becomes an adult, and there are those who deny that it even exists, describing it as a manifestation of a mouse-clicking-hyperlinked-social networked-electronic-X Box childhood and not a real disorder.²

So, in light of the misunderstandings and, in some cases, outright denial of the existence of ADHD, how do you describe ADHD to a non-ADHDer? You can begin by showing them this list of ten characteristics of an ADHDer’s life. This list highlights some of the issues faced by adult ADHDers, none of which are easily reducible to either an “attention deficit” (though it certainly plays a role) or “hyperactivity.”

1. Problems with memory in daily life. This includes forgetting important dates or events; the need to ask for the same information over and over; the need to rely on memory aides (e.g., reminder notes or electronic devices).
2. Inability (or great difficulty) in planning and/or solving problems. This includes the inability to develop and follow a plan; a problem keeping track of regular events, such as paying monthly bills, etc.
3. Difficulty completing daily tasks at home, at work or at leisure. This may include getting lost when driving to a location; inability to create or manage a budget, etc.
4. Confusion with time or place. This includes problems such as understanding what is occurring in a particular situation; losing track of the passage of time.
5. Trouble understanding visual images and/or spatial relationships. This includes problems of reading, involvement in sports and/or fine motor skills.
6. Problems with words in speaking or writing. This includes a difficulty in articulating one’s needs or desires through either speech or writing. There may also be problems that occur in the middle of a conversation where one is suddenly overcome by a thought totally unrelated to the current conversation.
7. Misplacing things. This includes putting things in unusual places, losing things and not being able to go back over one’s steps to find them again.
8. Poor judgment. People with ADHD may experience problems in judgment or decision-making. For example, they may use poor judgment when dealing with money.
9. Withdrawn from work or social activities. A person with ADHD may engage in solitary activities or activities in which there are very few people to interact with.
10. Mood and personality problems. The moods and personalities of ADHDers can change at a moment’s notice. They can be suspicious, depressed, fearful, angry or anxious. They may be easily upset at home, at work, with friends or in places where they are out of their comfort zone.

Based on The Ten Signs of ADHD

Post Script

Did you click on the link labeled The Ten Signs of ADHD? If you did you would have realized that this list of ADHD characteristics is a modified version of the warning signs of Alzheimer’s disease. In light of the striking similarities between early-onset Alzheimer’s disease and adult ADHD, it becomes very easy to describe ADHD in one sentence: Living with ADHD is like having Alzheimer’s disease your entire life.

1. Paradoxically, I’m becoming “H” as I get older. Go figure.
2. This theory is put forth by Carl Pickhardt, Ph.D. According to Dr. Pick, a psycho-medico-pharmacological conspiracy has taken the electronics-induced short attention span of children and created a fictitious disorder called ADHD. He writes: “a hugely profitable market niche has been created for therapeutic specialists and sellers of psycho-stimulant medications to help settle these young people down so they will be more tractable and concentrate on what they’re told to do.”

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Victory! The accounting department acknowledges their error and gives me a credit of $430.21 (Yes...you can click on the image for a larger view)

In case you can’t read that email (even after clicking on the image), here’s the text of the email:

Dear Valued Verizon Customer,

We have processed your request for a credit to your Verizon account.
Please accept our apology for any inconvenience related to your
service inquiry. It is our goal to efficiently resolve our customer's
service request for complete satisfaction.

A credit in the amount of $430.21 will appear no later than your
MAR, 2011 billing statement.

You may also track your billing adjustment by utilizing our bill
view tool at www.verizon.com/billing

Complete the navigation instructions below to view adjustment records.

Step 1: Sign in to account
Step 2: Click view bill below account actions
Step 3: Click payment tab to the right of bill tab
Step 4: Below payment actions on right side of page click
payment/ adjustments history,
scroll down to view adjustment history

Sincerely,
Verizon
Customer Care Team

I assume that Verizon formatted the email with a tiny font because they did not want to give me the satisfaction of seeing, in BIG BOLD LETTERS that I had won. (I think they also realized that, as I am getting older, I am having problems reading such a small font.¹ ) But I don’t want to focus on what I won but, more importantly, on HOW I won my battle with Verizon.

My "Externalized" Information

From the beginning of my Verizon ordeal, I kept notes on each call I made. I recorded the date of the call, the length of the call, and a few details that would help me recall the conversation. I placed the notes in a file folder and then in the vertical file holder that sits to the left of my computer desk. Each time I called Verizon I took out the folder and, at the end of the call, I added new notes. By the time I made my last call (the call that finally solved the problem) on March 3, 2011, I was able to explain the sequence of events in great detail. I was able to be extraordinarily patient (admittedly I lost it a bit several times while on the phone but each time I would go into a mini-rant I would then apologize to the person I was talking to) with the service representative and I could tell them, with great accuracy, the (theoretical) result of each previous call. (Several times I was told this issue would be resolved…obviously it wasn’t.) I was able to do this because I followed Barkley’s Rule No. 4: Externalize Key Information.

I contained some of my anger during my phone calls with Verizon. When it slipped out I apologized to the person on the phone and, when I was on hold, I let loose a bit more. Yet there was still more anger that needed to get out and a bit of ranting didn’t do it for me.

Is It Really Anger?

I’m beginning to think that what I keep referring to as an “anger issue” is not an anger issue at all. In an earlier post I wrote that my problem is not anger per se but the way that anger is expressed. I’m still grappling for the right metaphor because anger isn’t quite the right word to describe the feeling. It is more like an internal tension that behaves like a rubber band in a balsa wood airplane. Specific types of events, like these frustrating phone calls, and non-events, such as disappointments or piles of bills (have you ever felt that those piles were mocking you…that they were standing there and sticking their tongues out at you and saying, “Hey moron! Here’s something else you forgot to do!”) add a few more turns of the propeller, twisting the rubber band further and increasing the stored up torque, eventually reaching a point where the propeller can’t be turned anymore and the rubber band’s torque is released and the plane flies and crashes into everything in its flight path until it finally hits the floor and smashes into pieces.

Yeah…that sounds like “the gift.”

Image Source: http://modelsaviation.com/Rubber-Band-Powered-Airplanes.html

Post Script

I do not want any ADHDer who has read this post to think that, “Wow! Jeff has really got his shit together! He can now handle these long, drawn out tasks and even win. And he’s learning to deal with this anger and to get past his ADHD.” This is part illusion, part of the pitfalls of blogging and even the pitfalls of narrative that what you read follows a logic in order to make a particular point yet that point is only a slice of reality. (Did you catch the reference earlier in this post about the piles of bills mocking you? I wrote that because, while writing this post, I caught a glimpse of a pile of bills and at the top was an invoice dated for January that…surprise, surprise…has not been paid. Yet if I had not added that parenthetical observation you would not know that the nice narrative about Jeff being able to stay on top of an issue is part illusion…that the narrative forces the writer to push, outside of the narrative, those other forces that are at work…and I’m trying to bring into the narrative that which often escapes the narrative…I’m trying to capture that blooming, buzzing confusion of reality through parenthetical digressions, post scripts, italicized alternate voices.) Writing this post has helped me to remember that, yes, I CAN accomplish things in life…that, yes, I CAN do things when I am focused. But, fuck, the fucking effort required to really stay focused is the real killer. THAT’S what rips your fucking insides out. THAT’S the unending source of rage, of frustration, of internal tension. You can’t fucking escape this ADHD shit. The more I think about my struggles with ADHD the more I hate those fucking Gift of ADHD people. I despise them. I think they are fucking delusional. They are the fucking Jim Jones’s of the ADHD world, handing out their Gift of ADHD kool-aid. I’ve said it in the past and I will say it again. ADHD is a form of madness. Isn’t madness (as we think of it in lay terms) that voice in your head that won’t go away, that internal drive that you can’t turn off when you want to, that force that pushes you in the wrong direction all of the time? How dare anyone, ESPECIALLY THOSE WHO DO NOT HAVE ADHD, how dare they refer to this as a fucking gift! I can excuse the ADHDers since ADHDers are quite adept at fooling themselves (I’ve referred to ADD as Adult Delusional Disorder) but I cannot excuse those who do not have ADHD but still spout their la-la-la version of ADHD.

What is great about this fucking gift (or maybe it’s not the gift at all but my other curse, intelligence) is that I can hear the voices of others in my head. I hear them saying, “Boo hoo. I can’t live with my ADHD if all I see is doom and gloom. I need to always find something positive.” To those voices I say, Fuck You! Are you a moron? How can you fix something if you don’t confront it in all its ugliness? To always “see the positive in the negative” is NOT to confront the reality of the issue. In fact, it is the opposite. It is to RUN AWAY from the issue. It is a refusal to see reality as what it truly is and, instead, to substitute a fairy-tale version of reality.

Okay, Jeff. Calm down. No one likes anger. Gray skies are gonna clear up. Put on a happy face. Spread sunshine all over the place.

1. Has anyone investigated the possibility that the reason why people gain weight as they get older is not because their metabolism is changing or because they are becoming more sedentary but that it is a Darwinian adaptation to decreasing visual acuity, hence the body gets larger in order to make it easier for other older people to see it?

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Wait a second!

Don’t go away!

Please!

Watch!

Listen!

This blog is the public record of a personal transformation. The person who started this blog is not exactly the same person who is now talking to you. I’ve changed. I’m not the same person who wrote about anger and rage, who saw ADHD solely as a curse. My attitude towards ADHD has changed. I have entered my post ADHD phase. I have not eliminated it. That is impossible to do. However, I’ve turned my attention and energies towards solutions for my problems, and not on the cause of those problems.

Much of this change has been a result of working through my struggles with understanding ADHD but, I must admit, what crystallized this change was reading Barkley’s Taking Charge of Adult ADHD. I thank Gina Pera for helping me get a copy of this book. So, when you read this blog, remember that it represents several years of personal growth and change as I learned, and still learn, to live with ADHD.

Thank You for watching and listening.

Enjoy your visit to my blog.

Do not hesitate to leave your comments.

Carpe diem!

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I receive emails from many of my blog readers and I’ve decided to use the opening of this post to respond to a number of them. To those who have been wondering if I have been leaving her satisfied or wanting more, the answer is, “satisfied.” Therefore I have no need for those enlargement pills that you keep telling me about. To those who would like me to get involved in the lucrative trade of mining molybdenum, I regretfully decline your generous offer of a partnership. I don’t think business partnerships should be based on a random drawing of someone’s email address. Finally, to those who have been wondering why my blog posting output level seems to have dropped, the answer is “I’ve been busy.” Most of my effort has been aimed at building up a steady stream of business because I’m simply tired of the continual cash flow problems that plague entrepreneurs. And as I have announced in earlier posts, I no longer dwell on my ADHD as the major problem. Instead, I try to understand the nature of the problem at hand and try to arrive at a solution. For example, I realized that I was having difficulty working on several projects simultaneously (a very typical ADHD problem). The solution was to schedule my day in greater detail, breaking the day into chunks of time with different chunks designated for different projects. Now this is a solution that anyone – ADHD or not – may arrive at. However, since I haven’t completely forgotten that I have ADHD, I’ve added some transition time so I can clear out my head before going onto the next task.

Mont Ventoux (Image source: http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Mont_ventoux_summit.jpg)

This new-found approach to problems is a result of my evolving relationship towards my ADHD. Having gone through the ADHD-version of Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs, I began with magical thinking (ADHD is a gift) to ADHD as a curse (the “evil” form of magical thinking?) to the highest stage where ADHD is no longer the center of my personal universe. Perhaps I reached level OT VIII? During this transformation and Petrarch-like ascent to the top of Mont Ventoux, I entered a whole new world, a postADHD world that provided a fantastic point of view. However, I am beginning to wonder if the transformation and ascent has been part illusion. While I no longer rock back and forth mumbling incoherently about my ADHD not that I ever did…but you get the picture, and I no longer put on a cape and run around the house exclaiming the virtues of my ADHD superpowers now that’s something I used to do!, I realized that my meta-morph-osis, my ascent, has become a game of ADHD Whac-A-Mole. As I went through the ADHD Hierarchy of Needs and my relationship to ADHD had changed, an old friend from childhood popped up. My anger issues were back.

Is dealing with your ADHD really a game of Whac-A-Mole? (Image source: http://switchgaming.blogspot.com/2008/09/game-for-helen-whac-mole.html)

I’ll be the first to admit that I have a limited repertoire of emotions and that anger has been the predominant one. But the anger issues that have resurfaced are not the good kinds of anger issues. Question: What are the “good” kinds of anger? Answer: anger that is motivated by indignation is the “good kind” of anger. I usually use the word “passionate” when discussing this type of anger, such as my being passionate about politics. I will argue vociferously with those of opposing viewpoints and, as I found out early in life, one best have all their facts lined up when doing so. I’ve also learned that many people aren’t really interested in facts because they aren’t really interested in dialogue that ends in a new understanding. Many people believe they ALREADY have the right point of view and anyone who believes something contrary to their beliefs is a meathead. They are anger issues that are all out of proportion to the particular frustration at hand and which often result in explosive anger. This anger has been aimed at those bastards who have parked in my parking spot after I spent hours shoveling snow to make a spot for MY car. There’s also some anger aimed at myself, such as when I forget something that I should have noted in my calendar, and some anger aimed at my HappyLight why did they give it that name? Whenever I say it I feel like one of those Krishnas wrapped in a bedsheet jumping up and down and chanting about  Harvey Krishner which seems to have a diminishing effect on my other F!#*!KING gift — Seasonal Affective Disorder — since it just cannot compensate for a week of gloomy, dark days. A part of me wondered if I am also HSP, since I seem to be the only one in the house who can hear water dripping from forty feet away, who notices the qualitative change in light from day to day and season to season, who cannot tolerate certain sounds (and if my F!*!KING parrots don’t shut up I’m going to make parrot fricassee!) but I refuse to read the book about highly sensitive people (what a shitty name! Every time I say it in my head I can hear the schoolyard taunts) because I don’t want another F*!#@KING acronym attached to me. Some of this anger may be justified, but when the anger does not subside, when it intensifies through its own feedback loop, then it becomes an anger issue. Coincidentally, the next local CHADD meeting will be focusing on anger management. I’ve rehearsed in my head how I will behave during that meeting. When all is quiet I will jump out of my seat and scream, in my best Howard Beale imitation, that I don’t have anger management issues and I’m not going to talk about it anymore. Then I’ll quietly sit down. So while I may have gone through the Hierarchy of ADHD Needs, I may not have made it to the top of Mont Ventoux.

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This video discusses the addition of negative numbers and other topics in basic mathematics

The question I ask is pretty straightforward. After viewing this video – Addition & Multiplication Practice – please let me know if you agree that the sum of two negative numbers is itself a negative number. For example, do you agree that -7 + -7 = -14? (You can leave your thoughts about this in the “comments” section of this post. I’d be very interested to know how you feel about this and, most importantly, how does this assertion potentially impact your self-esteem.) I bet you are still scratching your head wondering why I ask such a ridiculous question. Why would I ask you if you “agree” that the sum of two negative numbers is itself a negative number. The math is the math. The answer is what the answer is. It’s ridiculous to ask you if you “agree” with this. This much I think we can all agree on. (Slight pun intended.) But then what are we to make of a question recently posted on Facebook by the Edge Foundation? Their question was:

Do you agree with this 3 min. description of executive function & ADHD outlined by Dr. Russell Barklay [sic] http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GR1IZJXc6d8&feature=youtube_gdata_player

Let me state right now that I have nothing against the Edge Foundation. However, I do have something against the use of the word “agree.” In the video, Dr. Barkley is not describing a theory that came to him the other day while he was taking a long, hot shower. He’s presenting a theory based on over 25 years of scientific research. The use of the word “agree” implies that Barkley is presenting something that we may not like, that may not comport with “our” reality. The use of the word “agree” gives us the right to DISagree with what Barkley says. By using a word that allows for DISagreement, as if the facts were not the facts, it leaves open the possibility for alternate explanations which, we know, are simply bright-sided, feel good theories of ADHD (it’s a gift; it’s a set of superpowers; it’s the basis of entrepreneurialism, blah, blah, blah). If someone believes that the theory is wrong, then one should provide alternate scientific evidence or should show how the data can be interpreted differently.

So, how should the question have been worded? The problem is that it WAS a question. It should not have been a question at all. By posing it as a question, it implies a level of doubt about the truthfulness of Barkley’s theory. Further, by posing it as a question, it opens the door for the perpetuation of alternate explanations of ADHD which, it seems, cluster around the kumbaya feel-good myths about ADHD. ADHD is a serious neurogenetic disorder. It’s time to take it seriously. It’s time to move beyond the “back-slapping, have-another-beer, throw-another-dime-in-the-jukebox” attitude that too many ADHDers perpetuate and, in so doing, undermine the true seriousness of this DISorder.

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Image source: http://noticefurtheruntil.wordpress.com/2008/12/01/out-of-the-summer-of-hibernation-im-back/

It’s that time of year to reflect and ponder, to look at our triumphs and failures. It’s that time when we swear a solemn oath that next year there will be more triumphs and hopefully fewer failures. We look at our list of resolutions knowing hoping, no…PRAYING that next year will be different. Wait a minute! Stop! What moron put “the new year” in the middle of winter? How can anyone who is in a deep depression caused by Seasonal Affective Disorder be able to stick to their new year resolutions? SADers can barely function during this time of year. I propose that SADers create a new calendar. It will be identical to the Gregorian calendar in every respect except one: June 1st will be declared New Year Resolutions Day. If you suffer from SAD, then YOUR new year resolutions start, not in the middle of the winter, but in the middle of spring when your depression is long gone. We know that next year, finally, FINALLY, that we will be all that we can be.

The Blog’s New Clothes, aka Jeff ver. 2.0

In January 2010 I debuted a new look (now “the current look”) for my blog, taking it from the monochrome world to the world of living color. This redesign has, in a sense, given me permission to come out of the ADHD closet. It has given me the ability to go well beyond the written typed word. Through digital images, faux magazines, videos and podcasts I have been able to express myself in ways I never thought possible. Doesn’t everyone, ADHD or not, need a way to express themselves? For me it is my blog (and a few other activities) but the medium of expression can be one’s home (decorating; building/repairing), it can be cooking, teaching, etc. I’ve also created other personas, such as Peter DeLaVerita, Dr. Vinnie Goombatz – The Organized Crime Doctor For The Disorganized Mind, and Dr. Schmaltzowitz  – the Jewish ADHD Coaching as yet other ways to express myself. But the redesign was also accompanied by a mashup of non-ADHD topics and I’m rethinking the wisdom of that change. My political views are now on a separate blog and, if time permits, I will resurrect my cooking blog. I will refocus my blog on its “core” values. (More on this later in this post.)

Yo, Zoë!

Though currently on hiatus, my collaboration with Zoë Kessler in the He Said/She Said series has allowed for a very different exploration of the world of Adult ADHD. While I am proud of the work done in the He Said/She Said columns (and Zoë’s great editing work), I am proudest of the He Said/She Said videos (here and here). The contrast between us – expressed through language and body style – is quite interesting. In my next lifetime, when I don’t have the curse of being sexy, I’ll attend film school. The hours spent editing the videos made it obvious (to me) how the interplay between text, the video edits and the background music all contributed to the effectiveness of the video. Even the “blooper” sequence at the end of the second video was funnier because of the music. It’s fascinating to see how much a film/video is a technological tapestry woven from various “threads.” While on the subject of videos, I am truly honored to be hosting  the Candid Health Series Videos. These videos, dealing with ADHD, depression, addiction and anxiety, exemplify the resiliency of the human spirit despite some significant obstacles. There are many more videos in the series, covering such topics as breast cancer, quitting smoking, stress management and other health-related issues.

Reach Out and Help Someone

No one is an island. Despite my tendency toward being a lone wolf (“I can do this myself.” Yeah. Right. Keep believing that!) we find that when we open ourselves up we find new dimensions of ourselves and of others. Someone who has helped this lone wolf in so many ways is Gina Pera. Through our numerous emails, discussions, her book and her blogs, she has shown that adult ADHD can be tamed…it just takes work. I have also benefited enormously from the discussions I’ve had with Betsy Davenport, Scott Hutson, Katy Rollins and the many visitors to this blog.  I also want to thank Jennifer Koretsky for her wonderfully written newsletters and Dr. Parker for the fascinating, path breaking work that he is doing and Dr. Russell Barkley who, it seems, has been channeling some of my earlier posts (see this and this). Perhaps, I’ve been channeling his work. I’ve learned a lot, from the words and deeds, of many other friends and relatives, and especially my cousin whose work inspires me to reach for more. Her Project You magazine is a work of art.

Jeff Version 3.0

L ongtime readers of this blog have seen the emergence of a new understanding and attitude towards ADHD. While there is still some anger that’s trying to get out, nonetheless, I have altered my perspective of ADHD. Though I still consider it a curse, I now own that curse and have come to accept it. Conceptually I have moved ADHD from the center of my (personal) solar system and relegated it to some outer planet. I know I cannot eliminate it, that it still exerts influence and that I must learn how to live with it. But now the center of my (personal) solar system comes from the star of “interests, goals and responsibilities” and not from that dark star “ADHD.”

In 2011 I hope to bring to the blog much more of Jeff version 3.0, the version that has been crystallizing over the past year and which is the result of several years of focused growth and change. Remember, for an ADHDer (and this can apply to non-ADHDers too) personal growth and change can be one step forward, three steps back, one more step forward, tripping over your shoelaces and falling onto your knees, waiting for your scraped knees to heal, then trying again…ad infinitum. It’s the part of Jeff that has gotten much better with time management (though still some struggles), that has rebuilt his home-based business (the last two quarters of 2010 have been quite good and 2011 looks to be even better) and that has taken on some monumental home projects and, yes, completed them! There are still parts of me that need work (that’s for Jeff version 3.5?) and some goals that got lost somewhere during the metamorphosis. But I want to share more of these triumphs with you so that they can serve as an example of what can be done despite ones “gift.”

Final Thoughts

Some people throw words around like a child throws toys across a room: little thought is given to the harm that could be caused by doing this. In a recent post I emphasized the importance of  language, of the need to choose words carefully because words are not toys to be thrown about. Words have real effects in the world. At a recent holiday party I met someone who works as a spokesperson for several health organizations. I mentioned my blog (“Surely you’ve read my blog. Haven’t you?” She confessed…she did not.) to which she replied, “I have some friends with ADHD. I think they are the most fascinating people. I admire their ability to hyperfocus.” I started to explain how there is no such thing as hyperfocus. What ADHDers do is what non-ADHDers call “getting their work done.” Her eyes glazed over. I started to draw in the air imaginary bell curves while noting that articulate ADHDers are at the upper end of the bell curve. When I realized this was falling on deaf ears, I offered to schedule a trip to Riker’s Island (New York City’s main prison) to visit the other people who have this special gift of hyperfocus and ADHD.

My favorite nemesis, Captain Courageous, believes he (still) has superpowers and has written extensively about hyperfocus, creativity, and other superpowers. (Interestingly, he never mentions x-ray vision, ability to fly at the speed of light and, my favorite, inability to pay bills on time.) Despite the obvious sincerity that he pours into all of his writing, this does not compensate for the fact he is perpetuating a romanticized view of ADHD. (In a recent issue of Attention magazine, someone wrote that having ADHD is like having Alzheimer’s your entire life.) While it is unlikely that the woman I met is familiar with the writings of Captain Courageous and his growing League of Extraordinary Gentlemen (and Women) (see this), nonetheless, this woman got her romanticized view from somewhere. It could have been her ADHD friends (and where did THEY get this romanticized view?).

The takeaway from this story is: take your words seriously. If your words should be misinterpreted, do not hesitate to clarify, modify and, if necessary, retract what you have said or written. Words have a real effect in the “outside” world where there are no superpowers to save you. There are only words, the same words that are used to spread the message of hate and misunderstanding, the very same words that are used to spread the message of understanding, empathy and peace. Choose your words carefully. One day they may turn around and bite you.

Wishing all of you a happy, healthy and peaceful new year.

Jeff

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This is not a trivial issue. We cannot simply “reframe” our disadvantages as advantages. We cannot simply take the blue pill instead of the red pill. To perpetuate this nonsense is to MISEDUCATE THE PUBLIC about the real seriousness of ADHD. In fact, based on sensei’s ADHD is a Superpower myth, IT IS NOT A DISORDER! IT IS A SET OF ADVANTAGES!! How in the world will anyone take you seriously — how will anyone take us ADHDers seriously?! — if you say that the disorder that has caused great hardship in your life now confers magical powers?

Maybe I have the wrong attitude. Maybe I should say “F**k the law of gravity! I’m an out-of-the-box thinker!” And as I jump off my rooftop shouting “Up, Up and Away!” and my body hurtles towards the earth, then it will become painfully obvious that ADHD is not fairy dust or a magic potion. If I should survive slamming into the ground of reality, I will finally come to know that reality truly is brilliant because it will always win in the end. Of course, I don’t really have to jump off of a roof to know that ADHD does not make me into a superhero. I’ll admit. Sometimes I do have that fantasy but I’m old enough and smart enough to be able to separate fantasy from reality. I’m an adult. I can handle the truth. I’ll swallow the red pill.

P.S. to Bryan: Though you have censored several comments that I left on your blog, I will not do the same to you. We learn through discussion. Removing comments undermines the learning process. I rather learn that I am wrong than remain in ignorance by believing in falsehoods.

1. Where is the logic of saying that ADHD is like fairy dust and then saying that the burden of ADHD causes lost childhoods? Please! Be consistent! ADHD is good? ADHD is bad? ADHD is sexy? I’m very confused.

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