(Thank you, Laurie Siegel, for creating this image.)

“Does the Wellbutrin cause problems with sex?”

“No. It has no effect on that,” the psychiatrist assured me.

‘Okay, my age must be catching up with me,’ I thought to myself. No more raging hard-ons in the morning. No more unexpected erections in the middle of the day.

I remember when it changed. It was like someone flipped a switch. There were certainly some benefits to it. My mind wasn’t consumed with sex because my sexual organ was playing unfamiliar tunes (Hmmm…The Limp Man March…I never heard it before). I became so worried about the change – it seemed I was too young to have this problem – that I went to my medical doctor who, I should add, is female, which made it a wee bit more difficult to discuss. But she checked things out (NOT that way, you filthy pig!) and couldn’t see any problems. Cholesterol, fine. Blood circulation, fine. Heart rate, fine. Too much body hair…shouldn’t have any effect. She couldn’t find any reason why there would be a bedroom issue but, there I was, me and my limp bizkit.

Since I work from home I listen to talk radio all day long and much of the morning is filled with “health” shows. I like these shows. There isn’t a single disease or ailment that can’t be cured with some vitamin or mineral or tea or herb or combination thereof. And the names for these herbs and stuff are so imaginative, like, who would have thought that the very name of the herb that helps you with your bedroom performance would be named horny goat weed? I’m surprised that some of the herbs didn’t have names like “hooter grower” or “elong dong weed” or something like that. But I tried one of those remedies and, I gotta tell you, that horny goat works fine, up to a point.

During my horny goat period I was also taking Vyvanse. I read somewhere on the Internet that Vyvanse might interfere with your pecker power. The horny goat did a great job battling against the Vyvanse and it brought about a change, but not a lasting one. Again my psychiatrist assured me that there are no problems associated with Vyvanse and “keeping your woman satisfied.” (Just in case, I started archiving emails that, with a single mouse click (and $49.95) would help me keep her begging for more while also fixing my credit report.) So you can imagine my surprise that, now that I’ve been off the medication for at least a month, that my inner teenager has come back. I wake up in the morning and, gosh darned, he is already awake. And when it’s time to do the horizontal mambo I no longer hear the Limp Man March. It has been replaced with Semper Fidelis.

The problem now, is, what incentive do I have to go back on my medication?

Post Script

I thought, after writing the first draft of this post, that my increased physical activity might be the explanation for this rebirth. But if mowing the lawn and doing more household repairs can help you with erectile issues then I would think that this discovery would have been made quite some time ago. No, my theory is that too many doctors still use a one-size-fits-all methodology (no pun intended here) so that when I complained about my bedroom issues to my psychiatrist, asking if there was any possible link between medication and erectile issues, he gave me the quintessential psychiatric answer, “Nope. It couldn’t be. It’s all in your head.” (Pun intended!)
(This is post no. 413 in the series of posts documenting the life of an Adult ADHDer.)

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Several days ago I got the best news of my life. I learned that Jennifer Lopez was getting divorced. I’m ecstatic. Finally I will be able to live out my fantasy of hot sex with this hot babe. I don’t know where she lives but I know it is nearby. I’ll be ready and waiting at the local Wendy’s for the moment when she walks in the door. (Hopefully I won’t gain too much weight as I sit all day eating Spicy Chicken Sandwiches.) Oh. There is a problem. I’ve already got my sight set on another recent divorce, Patricia Arquette. Now what the hell am I supposed to do.

. . . . .

Don’t we realize that we are headed back to the same old times we had 100 years ago? We have no sense of the sweep of history. We are so fucking egocentric, so fucking deluded with our own self-importance, that we think nothing bad can really happen to us, only to other people. But, damn it, look at it! The New York Times has a book review on a book about the transcontinential railroads. Those railroad barons were fucking bastards and they didn’t care who they had to step on, who they had to crush, to get what they wanted. Is there any difference between that and what Wall Street did to the entire country and the entire world economy? Now all of us can experience those good ol’ days when there were no unions (and if you tried to form one you’d probably be killed), no health insurance, no social safety net, no nothing. And the irony of ironies? Now we ALL get to work for coolie wages and now the coolies have our entire economy and all our fucking jobs and they are doing just great with it, thanks for asking.

. . . .

I swear I can’t get a fucking thing done. I’m off my meds for almost a month and, shit, you mean to tell me this is a gift? This is the thing that people think is so fucking wonderful that they think every kid should have it for Christmas? Well, fuck you! This is no fucking gift. This ADHD shit is maddening, it’s psychosis on steroids. It drives you nucking futs!

. . . .

Anyone else fantasize about having alternate lives? Isn’t that the source of frustration, what drives some ADHDers to do crazy things because they think that Patricia Arquette is really really gonna take notice of them so they get divorced so they can be ready for her phone call?

. . .

What a fucking gift, eh?

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Reality continues to ruin my life. – Calvin (of Calvin and Hobbes)

Image source: http://rhonabennett.files.wordpress.com/2009/11/jennifer-lopez-2.jpg

Damn! JLo looks mighty fine!! Curves in all of the right places and she’s looking right at me!! And once she gets with me, I’ll have her screaming in ecstasy!! She’ll beg me to stop!! She’ll wonder how she managed to live without me all of these years!! She’ll get rid of Marc Anthony so she can be available for me and ONLY me. Bet you don’t think this will happen, eh? Well, you are wrong! She owns a house here on Long Island and it’s only five miles from my home. One day she’ll walk into the local Wendy’s. I’ll be there enjoying a Number 6 Combo (Spicy Chicken Sandwich, French Fries, Diet Coke). Her spicy Latina blood will notice my Spicy Chicken Sandwich. As the soft fluorescent lights create an Adonis-like glow around my bald head and I turn in her direction, she will notice me, stop and smile. I will smile back. Her gaze will shift to my t-shirt. She will notice my ham radio call sign emblazoned across my chest and, at that moment, an epiphany. She realizes she is in the presence of greatness: the blogger extraordinaire, the founder of Jeff’s ADD Mind, is looking right at her. He is here in the local Wendy’s, the VERY SAME Wendy’s that she has entered. JLo’s sexual autonomic system takes over. She pushes Marc aside. She comes to my table. She extends her hand. All is quiet. I look in her eyes and hold her soft, sweet hand in mine. I bow my head. I caress her hand with my tongue, each gentle movement expressing my love for her. I close my eyes. I sense the movement of her body, her womanly hips slowly moving in rhythm to the movement, to the heat of my tongue. She imagines what pleasures await her when I can finally use it to bring her womanhood to the height of multiple orgasmic pleasure. Then…I pause. I lift my head, her eyes communicating her growing desire for me. I rise up. (Yes!!! I RISE UP!! My 52 year old plumbing is still working!!)  My hand caresses her hip as we slowly move to the middle of the restaurant. The customers move their tables to the back, arranging them as if we were in the Copa, the Copacabana (it’s the hottest spot north of Havana). Music and passion takes hold of our tingling bodies, the music comes up and the lights dim. We move in sensual rhythms. I can hear the other women moaning as they watch me, this Don Juan of the blogosphere, with my HOT Latina lover. We feel their pheromonic intensity sweep over our bodies. JLo’s eyes tell me that it’s time for us to leave, it is time to take our love to the next step. I don’t say a word. My gaze moves downward towards her sweat-glistening breasts. We stop. I bring her close to me so my tongue can move down her neck. I taste the droplets of love. My tongue pauses, for what seems like an eternity, in her womanly cleavage. I hear her voice. JLo is talking to me. Her voice gets louder. I lift up my head and look in her eyes. She has my full attention.

- dad. Dad. DAD!! EARTH TO DAD! EARTH TO DAD!

- Uh…yeah. What is it?

- [sotto voce] Can I finish your fries?

- Sure. You can have them.

Handing my french fries to my younger daughter, I stand up and take my tray to the garbage pail. I scan the restaurant. JLo is nowhere to be found.

Here lies the major problem with ADHD and sex: reality keeps rearing its ugly head. Not that the sex life of some adult ADHDers is necessarily terrible, it’s just that things tend to be much hotter, much kinkier in your mind than in reality. Sometimes (alright, I’ll admit it…ALL THE TIME) you want to push reality in the direction of the “imagined” sex life. Yet no matter how many black leather outfits or toys you bring to “the event,” still, something is not quite right.  To make matters worse, the reality of our sex lives are entwined with the fantasy of our sex lives that, in turn, are entwined with the cinematic version of our “imagined” sex lives. (ADHDers are certainly not the only ones who suffer from this problem.) In this fantasy scenario of me and JLo, there are bits and pieces of reality. It is an amalgam of experiences culled from 35 years of experiences, entwined with various fantasies and numerous movies I have seen.¹ However, only in our minds or during the rarest of occasions do so many of these experiences unfold as one complete movie, as one complete script that is read (performed!) from beginning to end. Perhaps an ADHDer’s abbreviated sexual attention span is, in part, an effort to create a sexual cinematic experience in real time that has all the action adventure of their imagined porno movie. Their internal “sex director” is thinking about the next scene even though the current scene may not have been completed. (“Okay. Let’s wrap up the ‘Screaming in Ecstasy’ scene and move onto the “Swing from the Ceiling” scene. Make it fast! We have twelve more scenes to go!”)

This movie was meant to be a spoof of the television show

My imagined porno movie begins with a soft touch, a gentle kiss that builds to deep, passionate kissing that then builds to a swashbuckling frenzy of sweat, scent and heat that reaches a crescendo of ecstasy culminating in a  climactic ending leaving me and my partner exhilarated and exhausted as our sweat-drenched bodies fill the room (or our car…or our secret spot in the woods) with the heat of passion. I will bet that at least once (maybe more than once?) in your life you had an experience that was very much like this. The problem, though, is some ADHDers want it to be this way every single time. Unfortunately that’s not always possible. There’s that annoying “reality” that gets in the way. Your mind may be willing but you or your partner are too tired. Then there are work pressures, financial pressures and the pressure of daily life itself that may interfere. Even when the sex is really good, it may still fall short of the fantasy (cinematic) version. But even if it does approach it or even reproduces it(!), it does not matter to the ADHDer. Once the dopamine levels drop it’s time to do it again.

POSTSCRIPT

As in many things concerning adult ADHD, there are no definitive statements about sex and ADHD. Some ADHDers are sex-obsessed because sex has become a means of self-medication while others, when they do have sex, do it halfheartedly at best because their minds are thinking about other things, such as their gardening project.

The links below address the various dimensions of ADHD and sexuality. You may find them to be of interest.

Related Posts in the Blogosphere

• Hyper-sexuality with an ADHD Spouse
• Sex Drive and ADHD in Adults
• Distracted During Sex
• Sexuality and ADHD Women
• ADHD and Sex: No Shame, No Blame
• Sex & Drugs & Rock & Roll, Part III: Sex
• Is Sex important to someone with ADHD?

From my collection of faux Magazines

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1. Allow me to clarify. I didn’t have sex for 35 years. I had sex at various times over the course of 35 years. Further, while some readers of this blog know that, of my many careers, I was once a movie projectionist, they may not know that for the first two years of that career that I worked in adult movie houses, aka porno theaters. Talk about an ADHD fantasy come true!

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“Since his teens, he had masturbated nearly every night before going to sleep and sometimes once or twice during the day as well. He was shy in school and dated infrequently, partly from his feelings of inadequacy and partly from fear of having to respond to another’s demands.

The full article is here: The Vicious Cycle of Compulsive Sexuality, Shame and Adult ADHD

Note: Though the original article is a few years old I thought it might still be of interest.

Read more about ADHD & Sex

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I thank Tara Mcgillicuddy let me know about this particular discussion.

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I was so impressed by the way the website – Midwest Teen Sex Show – addresses the issues of sex and sexuality that I thought others, most especially parents of teenagers, should be aware of it.¹ It uses video and a charmingly disarming narrator to examine important topics such as birth control, homosexuality, dealing with parents (the site’s target audience is teenagers) and that “very first time.” But what is so delightful about the site (yes, “delightful” is the right word to use here) is that it uses a serious/light-hearted dialectic that conveys the importance of what is being stated and, while the seriousness of it sinks it, it releases the tension that was just created. For example, in a video that deals with birth control methods, it points out the folly of relying on the “pull and pray” method of birth control (a/k/a Coitus Interruptus). Then after the seriousness sinks in, the tension is released by the narrator’s admission that the two adorable children you see in the video are the result of her own use of “pull and pray.”

So, if you are a teenager…take a look at this website. Then show it to your parent(s). If you are a parent of teenager…take a look at this website. Then show it to your teenager. You might find that the website’s treatment of sex and sexuality is exactly what is needed in order to openly discuss this most important of subjects.

1. Don’t be mislead by the website’s name. It is NOT a site for voyeurs and pedophiles.

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In my first posting on the subject I wondered if “adult A.D.D. and sex” was kind of like the “problem with no name.” Now I’m beginning to think that, based on the high website traffic and non-response (i.e., no posted comments), that it might be better described as “the problem that carries a lot of shame.”

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1. See this post A.D.D. Friendly Porn? on Tara McGillicuddy’s blog and her comments about her website’s statistics.

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ADD and sex: It’s a topic almost no one writes about, even though almost every adult with ADD I’ve treated has had an ADD-related sexual problem. One of the most common complaints is a lack of sexual intimacy. By this, I don’t mean no sex, but sex that doesn’t foster genuine emotional intimacy. Boredom with sex is one reason for the high rate of divorce among ADD couples.

Source: Rediscovering Romance With Your Partner

Spontaneity, outside-the-box creativity, and heightened energy can add pizzazz to romantic interludes. But these familiar ADD traits, if not properly managed, will sorely test even the strongest relationship.

Source: Let Romance Bloom In Your ADD Marriage

Heightened sensitivities [of the A.D.D.er] may apply to all senses, and this heightened awareness makes people with ADHD very sensual people. But sensuality works both ways. ADHD people tend to be extra sensitive to tastes, smells and sound, all of which may come into play during sex.

Source: How To Make Love to An ADDer

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[I]mpulsiveness are the hallmarks of ADD, as well as of sex addiction. Unable to set boundaries on their own behavior, those with ADD feel an intense need to continue forever” whether it is on a work project or an involvement in a sexual enactment. One definition of compulsion may very well be “a loss of control characterized by an intense desire to continue despite adverse consequences.” A sense of deprivation emerges when compulsive sexualizing does not provide the gratification and satisfaction that results from experiencing intimacy with another person. Rather than sex being a way to bring two people closer, sexual enactments for the person with ADD can stem from intra-psychic conflict, from a narcissistic need for validation, and as a way to medicate the physiological symptoms of brain chemistry deregulation. The result is that sex takes up a disproportionately large place in his psychic equilibrium. His very sense of self depends on his sexuality.

Source: The Vicious Cycle of Adult ADD, Shame and Compulsive Sexuality

Read more about ADHD & Sex

Read more about ADHD & Sex

1. This has echo’s of Friedan’s “the problem that has no name.”

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