Admittedly this is starting to change. I’m experiencing echoes of Jeff-of-then, the reappearance of ideas that were the focal point of Jeff-of-then. Yet despite their reappearance, they do not completely feel like they are a part of Jeff-as-now. I feel I am reliving the memories of a person not fully connected to the same person who is writing this. It is as if two different people occupied the same body at different times. There is, of course, enormous overlap between them. They have been having very similar thoughts throughout their nearly parallel lives. They’ve also been sleeping with the same woman.

Post Script
I like to reflect on a post before making it “live.” I’ll walk from my desk to the kitchen, get some coffee, pet the dogs, then sit back at my desk. It is during those few minutes away from the computer that I may come up with new ideas or I may suddenly see connections that were not obvious when I was buried in the writing. The latter has occurred. Five years ago I wrote about this same issue of the “incomplete self.” However, the fact that I made this connection between a not-so-distant past and the present may mean that I am on the path to completeness, that I am slowly bringing together the different pieces of me.

See:

1. How Long Will “Me” Last?
2. A.D.D. Rage or The Centerless Facets

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Victory! The accounting department acknowledges their error and gives me a credit of $430.21 (Yes...you can click on the image for a larger view)

In case you can’t read that email (even after clicking on the image), here’s the text of the email:

Dear Valued Verizon Customer,

We have processed your request for a credit to your Verizon account.
Please accept our apology for any inconvenience related to your
service inquiry. It is our goal to efficiently resolve our customer's
service request for complete satisfaction.

A credit in the amount of $430.21 will appear no later than your
MAR, 2011 billing statement.

You may also track your billing adjustment by utilizing our bill
view tool at www.verizon.com/billing

Complete the navigation instructions below to view adjustment records.

Step 1: Sign in to account
Step 2: Click view bill below account actions
Step 3: Click payment tab to the right of bill tab
Step 4: Below payment actions on right side of page click
payment/ adjustments history,
scroll down to view adjustment history

Sincerely,
Verizon
Customer Care Team

I assume that Verizon formatted the email with a tiny font because they did not want to give me the satisfaction of seeing, in BIG BOLD LETTERS that I had won. (I think they also realized that, as I am getting older, I am having problems reading such a small font.¹ ) But I don’t want to focus on what I won but, more importantly, on HOW I won my battle with Verizon.

My "Externalized" Information

From the beginning of my Verizon ordeal, I kept notes on each call I made. I recorded the date of the call, the length of the call, and a few details that would help me recall the conversation. I placed the notes in a file folder and then in the vertical file holder that sits to the left of my computer desk. Each time I called Verizon I took out the folder and, at the end of the call, I added new notes. By the time I made my last call (the call that finally solved the problem) on March 3, 2011, I was able to explain the sequence of events in great detail. I was able to be extraordinarily patient (admittedly I lost it a bit several times while on the phone but each time I would go into a mini-rant I would then apologize to the person I was talking to) with the service representative and I could tell them, with great accuracy, the (theoretical) result of each previous call. (Several times I was told this issue would be resolved…obviously it wasn’t.) I was able to do this because I followed Barkley’s Rule No. 4: Externalize Key Information.

I contained some of my anger during my phone calls with Verizon. When it slipped out I apologized to the person on the phone and, when I was on hold, I let loose a bit more. Yet there was still more anger that needed to get out and a bit of ranting didn’t do it for me.

Is It Really Anger?

I’m beginning to think that what I keep referring to as an “anger issue” is not an anger issue at all. In an earlier post I wrote that my problem is not anger per se but the way that anger is expressed. I’m still grappling for the right metaphor because anger isn’t quite the right word to describe the feeling. It is more like an internal tension that behaves like a rubber band in a balsa wood airplane. Specific types of events, like these frustrating phone calls, and non-events, such as disappointments or piles of bills (have you ever felt that those piles were mocking you…that they were standing there and sticking their tongues out at you and saying, “Hey moron! Here’s something else you forgot to do!”) add a few more turns of the propeller, twisting the rubber band further and increasing the stored up torque, eventually reaching a point where the propeller can’t be turned anymore and the rubber band’s torque is released and the plane flies and crashes into everything in its flight path until it finally hits the floor and smashes into pieces.

Yeah…that sounds like “the gift.”

Image Source: http://modelsaviation.com/Rubber-Band-Powered-Airplanes.html

Post Script

I do not want any ADHDer who has read this post to think that, “Wow! Jeff has really got his shit together! He can now handle these long, drawn out tasks and even win. And he’s learning to deal with this anger and to get past his ADHD.” This is part illusion, part of the pitfalls of blogging and even the pitfalls of narrative that what you read follows a logic in order to make a particular point yet that point is only a slice of reality. (Did you catch the reference earlier in this post about the piles of bills mocking you? I wrote that because, while writing this post, I caught a glimpse of a pile of bills and at the top was an invoice dated for January that…surprise, surprise…has not been paid. Yet if I had not added that parenthetical observation you would not know that the nice narrative about Jeff being able to stay on top of an issue is part illusion…that the narrative forces the writer to push, outside of the narrative, those other forces that are at work…and I’m trying to bring into the narrative that which often escapes the narrative…I’m trying to capture that blooming, buzzing confusion of reality through parenthetical digressions, post scripts, italicized alternate voices.) Writing this post has helped me to remember that, yes, I CAN accomplish things in life…that, yes, I CAN do things when I am focused. But, fuck, the fucking effort required to really stay focused is the real killer. THAT’S what rips your fucking insides out. THAT’S the unending source of rage, of frustration, of internal tension. You can’t fucking escape this ADHD shit. The more I think about my struggles with ADHD the more I hate those fucking Gift of ADHD people. I despise them. I think they are fucking delusional. They are the fucking Jim Jones’s of the ADHD world, handing out their Gift of ADHD kool-aid. I’ve said it in the past and I will say it again. ADHD is a form of madness. Isn’t madness (as we think of it in lay terms) that voice in your head that won’t go away, that internal drive that you can’t turn off when you want to, that force that pushes you in the wrong direction all of the time? How dare anyone, ESPECIALLY THOSE WHO DO NOT HAVE ADHD, how dare they refer to this as a fucking gift! I can excuse the ADHDers since ADHDers are quite adept at fooling themselves (I’ve referred to ADD as Adult Delusional Disorder) but I cannot excuse those who do not have ADHD but still spout their la-la-la version of ADHD.

What is great about this fucking gift (or maybe it’s not the gift at all but my other curse, intelligence) is that I can hear the voices of others in my head. I hear them saying, “Boo hoo. I can’t live with my ADHD if all I see is doom and gloom. I need to always find something positive.” To those voices I say, Fuck You! Are you a moron? How can you fix something if you don’t confront it in all its ugliness? To always “see the positive in the negative” is NOT to confront the reality of the issue. In fact, it is the opposite. It is to RUN AWAY from the issue. It is a refusal to see reality as what it truly is and, instead, to substitute a fairy-tale version of reality.

Okay, Jeff. Calm down. No one likes anger. Gray skies are gonna clear up. Put on a happy face. Spread sunshine all over the place.

1. Has anyone investigated the possibility that the reason why people gain weight as they get older is not because their metabolism is changing or because they are becoming more sedentary but that it is a Darwinian adaptation to decreasing visual acuity, hence the body gets larger in order to make it easier for other older people to see it?

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• I like tomatoes. The doppelganger tomatoes sold in the supermarket are usually mushy inside and the taste is too strong. Homegrown tomatoes, by contrast, have a nice firm pulp, a delicate flavor and a paper-thin skin.
• A cucumber is full of moisture and smells wonderful. I learned this when I peeled my first home-grown cucumber. Though it was two feet away from my nose, it had a wonderful aroma. It was firm, moist and was delicious enough to be eaten raw. Speaking of moist, when I first grew Bok Choy I would break off a stalk and the water would LITERALLY be dripping out!
• Unlike my damned lawn which turns brown if you forget to water it for a week or two, the vegetables will come back to life even if they have been neglected. Of course, you can’t go too long without watering them but vegetables will, at least, perk up again after some time. A lawn, on the other hand, requires more care and maintenance than an infant in diapers. I HATE LAWNS!
• The little kid in me is amazed by the whole growing process. I start with a tiny little seed that turns into a puny little plant which turns into a large plant that I eventually turn into a meal. Absolutely amazing that it really works!¹

Seedlings - Red Sail Lettuce

Planted on May 5, 2010

Cucumbers planted on May 5, 2010

Tomatoes and Lettuce on June 15, 2010. (Tomatoes on left; Red Sail lettuce on the right.)

Cucumbers climbing and climbing - June 15, 2010

Plum Tomatoes on June 15, 2010...just a few short weeks away from harvest time.

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• Setting Up The Vegetable Garden (glenns-garden.com)

Postscript

for about five years: After rereading this post for the 10th time (I read them again and again, making minor editing “tweaks” before making them live), I realized that I use the phrase “for about five years” as a sort of literary shorthand, analogous to the biblical “for forty days and forty nights,” which is not meant literally but is simply meant to indicate that a long time has passed. I use this phrase when I tell people that I stopped smoking. I can’t really tell you how many years ago I stopped but I believe it is about five years. That seems to be the edge of my ADHD time-memory horizon.  Ask me what happened ten years ago and, well, I have a hazy recollection and there are many days, months and years that are simply blank. There is something very haunting about this especially when I look at old pictures of myself and I cannot mentally draw a connection between the person captured in that photo and the person who is now staring at that photo and writing this post. It is  not simply that there are gaps in the memory but that there is no memory of it all. Intellectually I know that it is me in the photo. Intellectually I know that some event was captured by the photo. But I do not feel connected to “that” person. It is, to a degree, somewhat like having a leg that does not belong to you. This was described by Oliver Sacks in his book The Man Who Mistook His Wife For A Hat. He describes a patient who wakes up in the morning, sees a leg in the bed and, believing that the leg is not his but belongs to someone else, throws it out of the bed. Of course, the rest of his body follows with it which astounds him when it happens. I know that that person in the photo is me and I look at it with some recognition of that fact yet, it does not feel like it is me.

the little kid in me: I don’t know if this is truly an ADHD trait though I suspect it is. Adult ADHDers (I’m really referring to those who were diagnosed late in life) often view the world of Adult non-ADHDers with a certain level of amazement. They are amazed that these “others” are able to accomplish so much in life, from paying bills on time to amassing a sizable savings account, and they (ADHDers) wonder, how the heck do they do that? In a number of respects, this how do they do that intellectual stance carries over into many things, such as, how the heck do the little seeds become big plants? or how does action at a distance REALLY work?² Currently my how the heck do they do that curiosity is focused on the problem of consciousness, namely, how does it (how CAN it!) work?

1. Some of you may think that something this amazing must be the result of Intelligent Design. If there really is an Intelligent Designer, then how come we have Republicans? However, it is possible, as Borges once surmised, that everything we see is really the creation of an infant deity who, having realized what a mistake he made, had decided to abandon the whole project. [Note to the reader: While searching for the source of this "infant deity" concept (I knew that I had encountered it while reading Borges), I discovered that Borges was actually quoting David Hume. "it may be far more reasonable to conclude that the world is 'the first rude essay of some infant deity, who afterwards abandoned it, ashamed of his lame performance' " See: Does God Exist: David Hume's Answer To An Unanswerable Question See also: The Analytical Language of John Wilkins by Borges. It is in this essay that Borges quotes Hume and, in addition, it is where we find the definition of "animals" which was found in the (fictitious) Chinese encyclopedia 'The Celestial Emporium of Benevolent Knowledge. Foucault's The Order of Things was inspired by this "definition" of animals. I used this definition as a model for my own definition of ADHD in this post. See, specifically, the three "definitions" of ADHD.  ]
2. Action at a distance is, of course, gravity.

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Transcription

Dear Jeff,

I like this theory of quantum consciousness but I get worried when it kind of seems too perfect, to fit too well. I did manage to get the library – not an easy trip from where I am staying. Anyway, once I see Deepak Chopra’s name even tangentially associated with something (he interviewed Hameroff), my bullshit meter goes right off the scale and I run in the other direction.

But, though I like the theory I still have questions. First, do we really know how quantum events translate to macro level events? Have we bridged that gap yet? I’m not sure. Second, Hameroff talks about microtubules within the neuron that, voila, are just the thing needed to have quantum states exist in an unreduced state. This gets a 2.7 on the Chopra B.S. scale. But let’s go with it. What does it really mean? To my mind (no pun intended) it means nothing. Well, no. Not really. It just points in an interesting direction for research. It’s when they – researchers – reach too far with the metaphors that I have a problem, when science slips into salesmanship. I think Hameroff should drop the word consciousness and instead use the term self-awareness or self-referential. That will get away from the religious Chopra bullshit.

Dom

P.S. Carmen says “Hi” and sends her love.

Note to the Reader

Here are the links to the previous two letters in this series.

1. What Is The Physiological Basis Of Consciousness?
2. The Physiological Basis for Consciousness: A Reply to Dom’s Letter

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Transcription

Dear Dominic,

Thanks for your letter. Despite the crappy stationary I was still able to read it. Now I know what to get you for Christmas though I’m sure you would prefer another one of those beers of the month things.

Your ideas about consciousness definitely got me thinking and, of course, googling. I found a fascinating website that you’ll need to check out when you are state side. The author – Hameroff – co-authored some pieces with Roger Penrose, the guy who wrote “The Emporer’s New Mind.” And I apologize for the pun but the concepts are mindblowing. It basically goes into greater depth on the concept you touched on, namely the role of quantum mechanics as it applies to consciousness.

Consciousness kind of bubbles up from quantum states and once they reach a point a reduction, that is, they are no longer existing as set of probabilities, as a set of coexisting opposites (like the cat that was dead and alive at the same time) a sufficient amount of reductions bubble up from the quantum world to the “classical” world we are familiar with, namely neurons firing and chemicals doing their thing. But by the time we see the neurons fire, a gazillion quantum states have gone from superpositon – existing as contradictory states – to a reduced state.

I’m kind of botching the concept especially since physics is not my field but think back to that document I found, where Ledbetter is in search of a vocabulary to describe these phenomena. Though he spoke in terms of saturation points, it’s kind of analogous. Various forces reach a kind of tipping point which results in something on the macro level that is, for us, say, a thought. But by that time all these unseen events have taken place. But there’s an important implication here. With all this stuff – this preconscious stuff – existing under the dictates of quantum mechanics – it can’t be reproduced by some computer. By the time it reaches the point of consciousness where maybe, just maybe, these processes could be reproduced by a computer, there are all of these other processes that are not reproduced so what the computer is reproducing is a hollow[ed] out simulacrum of a conscious state but it’s missing the secret “quantum” sauce.

We’ll talk more about it when you get back from your trip. And please give Carmen a kiss for me.

Jeff

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Note to the Reader: I received this letter a few weeks ago from a good friend. Perhaps he will flesh out the ideas in greater detail at another time but I was so excited to read this that I wanted to scan it and share the letter with you right away. I hope you find it interesting. – Jeff

Transcription

When we look at the matrix of neurons in the brain we see the physicality of the brain yet, no matter how much we look, we can’t see consciousness. We know that it is in there. We know it exists in a particular region(s). When we look closely we see movement of chemicals, we see various electrical potentials but we don’t see consciousness. The reason why we don’t see it is because we can’t see it. I don’t mean that it is “spirit” and therefore non-corporeal. What I mean is that it exists in a dimension that we have not yet learned to “see.” In the same way that Flatlanders could not see the third dimension and Linelanders could not see the second dimension, we cannot (yet) see the dimension in which consciousness exists. This is not as bizarre as it may seem. Current science has shown that all matter can be reduced to its smallest constituent which is not an object at all but really just a force, an energy. At the level of quantum physics, we do not see particles anymore but instead we see energy as waves. This energy seems to exist in another dimension, a dimension that we are not accustomed to seeing but which we know exists. It is possible that within these other dimensions, within the waves of energy and their interactions, that that is the basis of consciousness. There are no “consciousness” neurons or “memory” neurons. That is why we can locate regions within the brain where, for example, memory exists, but we cannot point to the memory neuron. By the time we get to the neuron, we have already lost sight of the energy fields that are the underlying quantum manifestation of the memory. In other words, our scale of reference – the neuron – is really much too large to “see” the quantum nature of memory.

Additional Information

• Flatlander

Dr. Quantum Visits Flatland

Quantum Physics Simplified

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Some days I just get tired of having to push myself. I wish I could just wake up and, voila, no more adhd!
————————————————————-
Oh!! Here’s a fcuking eye opener. I have a client who is definitely ADHD. They are god damned psychotic! They drop off the face of the earth and then, blam! they send an email with a gazzilion complaints. They complain about shit I asked them about but they never replied to my earlier emails. Thank god I somehow manage to remember what I previously emailed them. Now I know why people think ADHDers are crazy. That’s because they ARE!
————————————————————-
Did ya ever wake up thinking that somebody in the middle of the night wiped out your memory and yu need to spend the whole day trying to put your “self” back together? That reminds me of that movie with Dana Carvey where every day when he wakes up he has to play a tape recorder because his memory is completely blank and he has no clue who he is.

You’ll like this one. So I contact this client, who really pissed me off, and said, “Hey, let’s talk about 15 minutes or so to see how we can solve your issues?” And you know what? They STILL don’t f–king respond! I’m a pretty patient guy but they’re really testing my patience!!

————————————————————

Is this it? Is this as good as life gets? Is my ride here on earth going to come to an end? Do I get one more shot? Would we be better off like the dumb beasts who have no consciousness of their ending? And this is the sick joke created by God? He is so f–king powerful and yet he can’t make us be immortal? He can’t make us live a gazillion years?  So..what…we should worship Him and be thankful that we KNOW we are going to die? Wow. Some f–king god if you ask me. I want a god that creates a body that doesn’t slowly deteriorate. Oh, here’s one better. A non-deteriorating, non-adhd body. Now let’s see if God  is all powerful!

ADHDers think 2 dimensionally but live 3 dimensionally (they just don’t know they are living 3 dimensionally)

——————————————————————————-

Ok, so here’s the concept. Non-adhders live in 3 dimensional space defined as x, y and z being time (of course, I should probably have x, y,z and THEN time but, hey , my drawing skills are already taxed as it is). NOn-adhders know that they exist in this time dimension but ADHDers don’t know that about themselves. So imagine that we have a plane bounded by x & y and that plane moves along the Z axis but ADHDers have NO CLUE that this is happening. They are only (next)

aware of the plane they exist in. They move along the Z axis but have no idea they are even doing this.

This is the ADHDer at, say, moment one. And here at moment two, and so on. From the outside observer, the adhder is moving IN time (at least along the time axis) BUT the adhder, because their perspective is stuck in this plane (we are looking at it from the side) has no clue this is happening.

Why does the huffington post publish this new age, narcissistic bullshit? They are undercutting the seriousness of the news they report when they publish this garbage. When huffington post started they were real serious about stuff and tried to put out a different viewpoint. They publish so much of this trash (and lots of pictures of semi-nude women…not that I’m a prude or anything but imagine that the new york times started printing hot pics of women mixed in with their news…would you take anything seriously anything they wrote?) that there are times when I hate  the website. Arianna should decide, you want the site to be serious or shoulod it appeal to all wack jobs equally?

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There are times when my brain feels like scrambled eggs. The day is like a fog and I can’t concentrate on a thing. This seems to follow periods of clarity when I am going through a manic state of hyper-productivity. It seems that it is the aftermath of the state of clarity as if an edifice were erected (state of clarity) and then it disintegrates into pieces. [ Read More ]

This post originally appeared in June 2007

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It is difficult to predict when the panic may occur and it is impossible to completely eliminate it. However, one way to deal with it is to see it as a positive event. When I get hit with the memory panic, I calm myself by saying, "No…you haven't forgotten anything. Slow yourself down. It's your mental alarm clock letting you know that there are things you need to remember. Now do something about it" And that's really the key to handling the memory panic. Do something about it. When the panic hits I usually do one of two things.

1. I might take out a notebook and starting writing like mad. I'll write down everything that comes out of my brain. I don't care if I jump from subject to subject (heck…that's the nature of A.D.D.!). I just write it all down. When the panic is over, I go back to this notebook and try to prioritize what's there based on "Do Now," "Do Later," "Do Much Later."

2. I might take out my Blackberry and send emails to myself. Like with the notebook, I want to externalize all the thoughts so, at a later time, I can see them objectively.

These two methods allow me to capture everything that comes streaming out. The physical act of writing/typing releases energy and reduces the panic. Once it subsides, I calmly review the list of items. I now have a record of "the panic." When panic strikes again, I can refer to this record since it "proves" that I did not forget as much as I thought I did. 

1. The memory panic is, at times, just a general panic that something has been forgotten even when that is not really the case.
2. There is, unfortunately, some truth to this. That is, sometimes someone's action can cause an A.D.D.er to forget something. This can occur when the A.D.D.er has a very tenuous hold on a memory and some action by someone else shifts the A.D.D.er's attention which causes the memory to disappear.
3. Added to this is the panic that the employer may begin to conclude that there is something wrong with you. They may not determine that you are an A.D.D.er but that thought does tend to cross your mind.

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