“Everyone needs a friend, even those with ADHD and especially adults with ADHD. In this episode of Attention Talk Radio, hosts Jeff Copper and Kirsten Milliken interview returning guest Dr. Ari Tuckman about the need for friends, what makes a good friend, and how to find good friends. Together, they share advice on what to expect from a friend and what is expected of you as a friend, as well as the impact of ADHD on friendships. Their conversation includes tips around handling sensitive situations, when it’s time to move on, and more. If you have ADHD, you will find this show to be very insightful!”

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A Few Pernicious Myths

1. ADHDers are masters at self-delusion. Some ADHDers see themselves as better, smarter, brighter and more creative than non-ADHDers. This might be true for the small percentage of ADHDers who are already intelligent, bright and creative. But the majority of ADHDers, especially those sitting in prison cells (a sizable number of prisoners have ADHD), are not smarter, brighter or more creative. Therefore, don’t assume a causal connection between intelligence, creativity and ADHD. The fact that a person may possess all of these characteristics and NOT be in prison, may be more an accident of circumstance than a result of the magical powers of ADHD. (See: Adult ADHD As A Form Of Madness An interesting form of this madness can be seen here. For those who believe that having ADHD will make you rich and famous, see this post.)
2. There are no “natural” cures for ADHD. Sorry Virginia. It’s true. Sipping various teas, taking vitamins and supplements, engaging in daily exercise, and so forth, may temporarily alleviate the symptoms but they cannot cure ADHD. However, that doesn’t stop some people from claiming they can cure it. Dr. Bob says he can do it in 18 days. See: http://www.druglessdoctor.com/shop/scripts/prodView.asp?idProduct=566 Jon Bennett claims he can cure ADHD in three easy steps. See: http://www.facebook.com/3Steps.ADHD My critique of Mr. Bennett’s “cure” can be found in the post How Not To Cure ADHD.
3. ADHD is not a death sentence, in the same way that diabetes is not a death sentence. But they both require vigilance, they both require that you be aware of how your body works and that you pay attention to warning signs. Your body will let you know when you may require a change in diet, medication or exercise.

Time-Tested Advice About Living With ADHD.
(This is an adaptation of an earlier post: Advice for the Adult ADHD Newbie.)

1. Be realistic. Do not expect to change yourself overnight. It is a slow and gradual process, but it can be done. (See this article from ADDitude.)
2. Realize that, at times, you will still stumble. That’s okay. The question is, not how many times did you fall but how many times did you stand up?
3. Get on medication. It takes some time to figure out what medication is right for you but, once you do, it works wonders. But don’t just take medication. Watch your diet. Eat healthy food. Take supplements like Omega-3. Get some exercise (long walks; bicycle rides, etc.).
4. Keep a diary. Jot down thoughts, feelings, events, triumphs and failures. Be sure to review it periodically to see where you may have made improvements and where you still need improvement.
5. ADHD is a moving target. You can, and will, get closer and closer to “controlling” it but, it’s a sly son-of-a-gun and will always outwit you. It is like a caged tiger, always looking for that one time when you accidentally leave the cage door open and, when you do, it will jump right out of the cage. That’s the nature of the ADHD beast.
6. Work with a therapist or ADHD coach who understands the challenges of ADHD. Your sessions will be much more productive if the therapist or coach understands the underlying forces that are causing your problems.
7. Learn to laugh about your ADHD. When you walk from your kitchen to your bedroom and forget why you were going to your bedroom — because something on the television caught your eye and your attention shifted — learn to just laugh it off.
8. Read. Reach Out. Learn. Read blogs. Read books. Learn as much as you can about ADHD. Go to a CHADD conference. Join a support group. Embrace your ADHD and then focus on the things that are most important to you, such as career, health, love and having some fun. Of course your ADHD is still with you but you don’t have to dwell on it. It is only a tiny part of who you are so learn how it affects your life, learn how to minimize its effects, and concentrate on enjoying your life.

P.S. I forgot to address the myth about the healing power of mommy’s kiss on your scraped knee. Seems there may be some truth to it.

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The illustration was created by Andrés Rábago and was posted in the Facebook group for Cultura Inquieta.

Click here to see the other posts on the topic of loneliness.

Note: I have decided not to unpack what, I believe, are the multiple layers of meaning in this illustration. I don’t want to influence your interpretation of the illustration though, by simply stating that there are layers of meaning, I’ve already influenced you. Nonetheless, let’s use the comments to flesh it all out.

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It has taken me fifty years to overcome the pain, to be willing to pull back the skin and not feel vulnerable. It has been an extraordinarily liberating experience. The more I say This is me the freer I feel. You see the evidence of this throughout this blog from my very first post written in June 2007 — almost five years ago!! — to this very post to my Day’s Rant to my Writer’s Mind. Being much older I care less and less about what other people think. The inner me is bursting at the seams with so much to say and so much to do. Get out of my way is my daily mantra. Move over! Big changes are here and more to come! Of course I must still be cautious. There are still those who will pick up a stick and start jabbing, and even if I can withstand the pain, I still feel it. But in my head I know what to say. You gotta a problem with me, buddy? Well, fuck you! Go live your miserable dessicated life in that hole in the ground you crawled out of.

I have to say I’ve been lucky. I do have some real friends. I’ve peeled back the skin and, sure enough, we’re still friends. Better friends, perhaps, for my having done that because it made it okay for them to do it too, even if they don’t have “the curse.” I’ll be seeing some of those friends later today at high noon. It’s our monthly lunch group meeting. We’ve been meeting for almost ten years. I’ll let you guess who runs the group.

* * * * *

1. Isn’t this the very problem faced by the LGBT community? They cannot be who they are and when they reveal it, they are extraordinarily vulnerable and the world teaches them to keep to themselves, to ‘stay in the closet.’

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1. My observations were based on discussions I’ve had with other ADHDers, which means it’s a very small sample size and not at all scientific.
2. As I noted in the comments, the “loneliness” did not necessarily apply to me. (More on this later in the post.)
3. Many of us have different types of friendships based on different factors: work friends; common interest friends (e.g., hobby; sports; college); common geography friends (how’s that for a fancy way of saying “your neighbors”); life-mate friend (which may or may not be legally recognized through marriage), etc. I have all of these types of friends.

However, the type of friendship that I had in mind when I wrote the first post was the type where you felt comfortable enough to share some of your deepest thoughts. I have two friendships that fit that bill. One (male) has been my friend from the age of 17. We see each other twice a year and have lengthy phone conversations about twice a year. But it was only in recent years that I realized that I could share with him some of my deepest thoughts. Another friend (female) with whom I share my deepest thoughts happens to be a cousin. Like the male friendship described earlier, I realized only in the last handful of years that I could confide in her.

*  *  *  *  *

A good friend asked me if, in light of the previous post, were we still friends. I assured her via email and assure her now that we are, indeed, still friends. That friendship started with a single mutual interest (we get together once a month through a local business lunch group) which has grown into a deeper friendship (talk about personal issues, usually of the “kids and education” variety but we also have some wonderful discussions about politics and society in general). A subgroup of the lunch group is forming around another common interest: writing.

So I’m not necessarily one of the ADHDers who is lonely yet, there are times, when I am, indeed lonely. It is probably caused by several factors.

1. The inordinate amount of time that I “live in my head.” One could argue we ALL live in our heads but it is worse for some ADHDers who have an excessive amount of thoughts, what Dr. Parker refers to as cognitive abundance (there’s more to this concept of cognitive abundance so you’ll need to read his post).
2. It is worse for some ADHDers who have been blessed with both cognitive abundance and intelligence. I’ve been astounded by how many intelligent ADHDers I’ve met (again, this is anecdotal data) who have done extraordinarily well in school (though some do quite poorly) and yet, somehow, despite their success, they had not been able to cultivate meaningful relationships until decades later and, in some cases, not at all. Further, they often felt like (and still feel like) misfits. This brings me to item 3 below.
3. If an ADHDer were to adapt P.D. Eastman’s famous book, Are You My Mother?, it would have to be retitled to something like, “Are You An ADHDer?” The deadly combination of ADHD and intelligence creates the type of person who constantly searches for validation of who they are. (I’m reminded of this comment made by Ariane Benefit: “Our culture does not tolerate misfits of any kind very well, much less support our rights to be different.”)

On A Related Note: I’ve been spending an extraordinary amount of time on fictional and biographical writing. A bit of it can be seen here. To polish my skills I purchased the Write Great Fiction collection of books. Even after reading these books I may still never write great fiction. But I learned something more valuable. Many of the struggles I’ve had, and still have, with my writing are the struggles that MANY writers face. Many of the struggles that, prior to my ADHD diagnosis, I had assumed were signs of my inability to write and which, post-ADHD diagnosis, I had assumed were signs of ADHD, are in actuality the SAME STRUGGLES faced by many writers. What I now realize is that the struggles are exacerbated by the ADHD and not necessarily caused by the ADHD.

4. There is one more factor that needs to be acknowledged: ADHDers are not easy to be with. They can often be their own worst enemy. They often create the very conditions that make friendships, at any level, to be difficult and, in some cases, impossible.

Post Script
I must acknowledge how this blog and the sometimes detestable Facebook has made it possible for me to talk with fellow ADHDers and also to the non-ADHDers who live with them. Even the lowly telephone has played a role in collapsing geography. Together, these technologies have made it possible for us to digitally “bare our souls,” creating friendships that I would not have had otherwise. Some day I may have the opportunity to see them in person and give them a hug. In the interim, I hope they can accept this virtual hug in lieu of a real one. They have enriched my life in more ways than they can imagine. And for those I see in person, since ADHDers have memory problems, remind me that I owe you a hug too.

       ___                  ____                  ___
  ____(   \              .-'    `-.              /   )____
 (____     \_____       /  (O  O)  \       _____/     ____)
(____            `-----(      )     )-----'            ____)
 (____     _____________\  .____.  /_____________     ____)
   (______/              `-.____.-'              \______)

(Virtual hug courtesy of ASCII Art)

[CLICK HERE for Part III of ADHD and Loneliness]

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[CLICK HERE for Part II of ADHD and Loneliness]

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In an English literature course in my second year of college, we were discussing e e cummings anyone lived in a pretty how town. Someone said that there was a sexual overtone to some parts of the poem. “When I thought of that,” I said, ” I figured that I must be crazy.” Without hesitation the professor replied, “Who told you that you were crazy?” At the time I had no response. But I have one now. No one had to tell me I was crazy. I read it on everyone’s face.

The further I went in college, the more I realized that there were others that saw the world the way I did. But despite finding like-minded intellectuals, something was still wrong. Very wrong. It took forty-six years for me to finally figure out why I bounced from career to career like a billiard ball careening off a bumper. I suffer from the holy trinity of self-delusion — intelligence, creativity, and ADHD — giving me the ability to creatively “explain away” my problems instead of confronting them. It did not take long for me to discover fellow sufferers who explain away their problems by claiming to be a DaVinci, a hunter in a society of farmers, or, like Marko Ferek, a hyperactive dreamer. His creation of this unknown personality type is a text-book case of the holy trinity in action.

Ferek writes

I was a below average student. I had a short attention span, I day-dreamed a lot, was fidgety, and no matter how much I tried, I could not focus. Due to this I was often criticized, which lead me to loose all self-confidence. The inability to explain to myself why I had such problems in school, led me to believe that I was stupid.

At the age of 22 I accidentally found out about ADHD. As soon as I read about the symptoms I realized that I had ADHD. This was a big shock for me because I realized that I was not stupid, but that I simply had problems with concentration. I felt a huge urge to understand myself more because I knew I was unknown to myself.

My self-research lead me to an unexpected discovery, something I always felt inside but through the years stopped believing. I found out that I don’t have a deficit, but a gift!” Although I portray the symptoms of ADHD and therefore fall under the ADHD umbrella– I actually don’t have ADHD. Symptoms of inattention, hyperactivity and impulsivity are not the result of my deficit, but a result of my creativity, my gift. I have a healthy and creative mind that creates ADHD-like symptoms.” [Emphasis added]

But wait! There’s more!

Then, out of the blue, I had a vision. I saw my mission – to explain people like me to the world, because this specific spectrum of creativity is still not recognized. I call them “hyperactive dreamers”. Since then I dedicated myself to my mission. [Emphasis added]

Did Marko Ferek really create a new personality type? Of course not. His inability to explain himself to himself led him to believe that he IS stupid. It is likely that the criticism he received never helped him make the distinction between is and like. To tell a child he is acting like he is stupid (which implies that he is not) is not the same thing as saying he is stupid. The former describes a set of actions; the latter describes a state of being, and it is the latter that had a devastating effect on his self-image, something most every ADHDer can relate to. But the label “stupid” left him wondering, how could he be both stupid and creative? That’s when he hit upon his Aha! moment. He is NOT stupid. However, his special type of creativity exhibits characteristics that look LIKE he is stupid. He is hyperactive and impulsive, not because he has ADHD, but because this newly discovered personality type mimics ADHD. In fact, it has all the characteristics of ADHD even though it is NOT ADHD.

I won’t dwell any longer on the twisted logic used to arrive at the concept of “hyperactive dreamer” because I want to address a more fundamental issue, namely that all ADHDers have to grapple with their diagnosis and to figure out what it means for them and what it says about them. Some see it as magical fairy dust while some others see it as a curse that destroys life. Then there are others who just see it as this “thing” they have that sometimes interferes with their life but which is not the sole focus of their life. (This describes my current relationship with my diagnosis. I’ve moved beyond ADHD-as-a-Curse to my Mosquito Theory of ADHD.) Marko Ferek has discovered a brand new way to live with an ADHD diagnosis: acknowledge the obvious, deny the obvious, and give it a new name, such as hyperactive dreaming.

We must admit that for someone to simultaneously acknowledge and deny what is obvious to all, takes enormous courage and creativity, much like that exhibited by Buckminster Fuller, who was a “hopelessly nearsighted child” who “refused to believe that the world was not blurry ” until that fateful moment when he got a pair of glasses. Perhaps Ferek is “psychologically” nearsighted and needs to be fitted with a pair of “psychological” glasses. Then, once he can see what everyone else sees, he can use his formidable talents to help others understand what it is like to be just like Marko Ferek: intelligent, creative and ADHD.

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After years of ADHD symptoms and struggles — dating back to elementary school — Jeff Siegel was diagnosed with ADHD at the age of 46. That diagnosis was “bittersweet,” says Siegel. “On the one hand it’s a relief, you know exactly what the answer is,” he says. But on the other hand, there’s fear too — that it’s something you can’t get rid of. [ Click here to read the whole post ]

Oh. Before I forget. I should mention that the ADHDer referred to in that Everyday Health post is me.

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Random Thought Number 1023

Random Thought Number 847: I’ve figured out how to deal with my seasonal affective disorder. No more depression for me. This year I’ll remain in panic mode in anticipation of the depression. That’s progress, no?

Random Thought Number 621: So when extraordinarily creative and successful people like Steve Jobs leave their mortal coil, must we assume that they had ADHD? Just wondering out loud because it seems that some people make that assumption. (Attila the Hun was extraordinarily creative and successful. Was he an ADHDer too?) The real question I have is this: when ADHDers make this assertion about someone’s ADHDness — whether or not it is true — are they really saying something about the person who they assume has ADHD or are they really trying to say something about themselves? I don’t mean this in a mean or pejorative way but anyone who has ADHD or lives with an ADHDer knows that ADHD is debilitating. It is not manna from heaven and it is not a gift from the gods. It simply “is” and it “is” something that you have to confront – whether you embrace it, curse it, or try to ignore it like a mosquito – every single moment of your life. When you are awake, when you sleep, when you have sex, when you weed the garden, when you drive your car, you have to deal with your ADHD. The only known escape from ADHD is death. Short of death, you have to live with it and deal with it. So, again, I ask the question, what are we ADHDers really saying about ourselves when we assume that someone famous has ADHD?

A Message From Our Sponsor: The person providing the best answer to the question, “What are we ADHDers really saying about ourselves when we assume that someone famous has ADHD?” will receive a free Slap Chopper. Contest ends 11:59PM on October 1st, 2011. Now, back to our regularly scheduled blog post.

Random Thought Number 768: I’m confronted with the same problem that I had in 2007. I believe that Adderall is helping me to feel normal but I have no clue what “normal” is supposed to feel like. How will I know “normal” when I see it and live it? I’ve never seen the world (or myself) the way others see the world (or myself). Is the medication making me “normal” when I decide to stop writing and cooking and growing vegetables and, instead, throw myself onto the sofa, flip on a football game and yell at my wife for not bringing the beers fast enough? Is that what “normal” is?

No? That’s not it?

Oh.

I get it.

“Normal” is supposed to be about accomplishing your goals in life. Interesting.

So what happens if those goals are unrealistic and, therefore, are never achieved? Are you still “normal”?

Random Thought Number 933: Remember that “mess” that I described in Random Thought Number 1023? Well, here’s a random thought based on that random thought. (Still with me?) That mess is the externalization of the internal mess in my head, a result of going off of Wellbutrin and Vyvanse. Though getting off of those medications has put me in touch with my inner porn star, it has also resurrected the internal AND external Chaos of the ADHD weltanschauung. Those medications, it seems, only masked and suppressed Chaos and once they were out of my system the Chaos was back.

Perhaps it was naive to think that I could circumvent physics (the Conservation of Chaos assures that chaos cannot be created or destroyed). But it is disappointing to see that the years of Wellbutrin/Vyvanse induced “normalcy” did not have a lasting effect.

Random Thought Number 621 (cont’d): We’re really trying to make ourselves feel good in the same way we identify with a sports figure or team in order to make ourselves feel good. Through some sort of magical transference “their” good fortune – hitting home run number 500 or winning a world series – rubs off on us. We all want to feel like we’re a winner, so we identify with winners.

By the way, there’s a theory that says that some people vote for president, not based on who is the best candidate, but based on who they think will win.

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CLICK TO ENLARGE

Thoughts on a Wellbutrin-less Theme,
or
My Search For the Gift of Adhd

if only I could sit
if only I could sit I’m sure that I can
write a novel or three
a history book or two.

if only I could sit I could write a  new computer game, or create a painting or two.

if only I could sit I could take the
contents of my brain and pour it out
onto paper and lay it before me
and sort it
and shape it
and refine it.

if only I could sit.

if only I could sleep I could lick this
ADHD.
I could control my day,
I could do what I must do.
if only I could sleep.

Post Script

I am waiting patiently for the gift to arrive and, so far, I have not seen any evidence of magical powers. I have found that my patience has gone down to zero and I can only concentrate in five minute increments. To perform a task for longer than five minutes requires that I, metaphorically, stick my head in a vise and squeeze my brain into submission, usually while listening to some good toe-tapping music on my headphones as I dance about in my desk chair. Overall this Wellbutrin-less existence has been an absolute disaster and I need to get back on the medication.

But I must confess to a definite difference between living a medicated and non-medicated state…besides the obvious increase in physical and mental chaos. I noticed a marked difference in the rate that ideas are generated. Others have pointed this out and I think there’s some truth to it. Ideas flow at a much faster rate when compared to my medicated state. However, it is nearly impossible to retain any of the ideas long enough to actually act on them. They flit by at lightning speed and they have the consistency of wisps of smoke. They seem to be within grasp and as soon as you reach out to hold onto them they disappear. This heightened intellectual fecundity is, I believe, self-delusion. It only seems like you’re experiencing some sort of intellectual renaissance when, in actuality, you are likely experiencing more ‘noise in the system’ and mistaking this noise for ideas. The internally high noise level, which is the ‘natural state’ for ADHDers, seems more intellectually stimulating (at least for the small percentage of ADHDers who are intelligent) and, therefore, misleads the ADHDer into thinking that the number of ideas has grown exponentially. What has really happened is that the system noise has increased exponentially and the ability to filter out the noise and focus on the ‘good’ ideas (yes, every idea is not necessarily good) has nearly disappeared.

I’ve also noticed a marked increase in physical activity. My body screams at me to get up and move and not just walk but lift things with my arms and shoulders. It’s dying to get all the muscles moving. I’ve started to think about rejoining a gym or, at the least, getting some home gym that would allow me to pump a little iron and then run back to my desk to work. All this new found activity has been focused on my home and is evidenced in the photos of my Facebook page (a few photos are below). I’ve built two fences, rewired most of the outdoor lights, rewired parts of the garage, rearranged everything in the garage to give myself more working space, and so on.¹ As a result of all this I’ve been losing weight which is not surprising now that I’ve become a perpetual motion machine.

When I’m back on medication I’d like to figure out how to keep up the level of physical activity.

Corner Fence

Side Fence

1. If I were to change careers one more time, I’d go into the construction trades.

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