(Image source: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Biological_hazard)

Everyone recognizes the biohazard symbol and as soon as you see it you know that there’s something dangerous lurking inside. So I began to wonder, what would be the appropriate symbol to place on the Gift of ADHD?

(Image source: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Hazard_T.svg)

The Skull and Cross-Bones came to mind since it’s known as a symbol for poison. Children learn at an early age that when you see this symbol it means that there is something very bad inside or that there be pirates a-comin’ their way. In either case, danger lurks ahead. But this didn’t seem quite right to me. Sure, there’s nothing good to be said about ADHD but labeling it a pure poison wasn’t quite right. This symbol did not take into account the fluidity of ADHD, the way the ADHDer can go from angel to demon and back again.

(Image source: http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/7/77/Waveforms.svg/500px-Waveforms.svg.png)

A sine wave, or perhaps some form of wave, might be a better symbol for ADHD. It takes into account the passage of time while changing its shape over time. Its polarity changes from negative to positive and back again. But which waveform should be used? The sine wave is too smooth and could not account for split-second changes from happy (or indifferent) to angry. Maybe the sawtooth is the right one but then it assumes a smooth ascent and rapid drop. Maybe the square? Maybe all of the waves at the same time? That could be confusing.

(Image source: http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/7/7c/Yin_and_Yang.svg/200px-Yin_and_Yang.svg.png)

The yin yang seemed like the most obvious candidate. According to Wikipedia, “Yin yang are not opposing forces (dualities), but complementary opposites that interact within a greater whole, as part of a dynamic system. Everything has both yin and yang aspects as light cannot exist without darkness and vice-versa, but either of these aspects may manifest more strongly in particular objects, and may ebb or flow over time.” This makes sense. As any ADHDer can attest, ADHD feels like different forces inside vying for control and dominance and, as noted by the dots, when one force is dominant the other is still present. Still I felt that something was missing. Where was the poisonous aspect of ADHD? After following this line of thought I hit on my “Aha!” moment.

My proposed warning label for the Gift of ADHD

(Yin Yang Skull image source: http://www.clker.com/clipart-141165.html)

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Perhaps it’s time to put the kernel of truth —  the nut —  back into the shell.

Perhaps it’s time we looked at the phrase in its entirety.

It’s just a theory but I think the original phrase was “brilliant but not in reality.”

.  .  .  .  .

I lie when I say I think I’m a brilliant writer because I don’t think of myself as a writer. I think of myself as a transcriptionist and all I do is transcribe the voice in my head. It’s the voice, the oratory, the tonal quality, the inner Shakespeare, that I hear in my head and whose speech I am transcribing.¹ That voice is funny and brilliant and smart and suave and, if it ever manifested itself as a person, women would be throwing themselves at his feet which, of course, would be my feet.

Oh.

I have to tell you.

I had the experience of a lifetime.

I really had women throwing themselves at my feet.

Well.

Not really.

But it was the closest I’ll ever get to that feeling of being god’s gift to women.

I spent a week on a cruise ship and as part of the entertainment they were doing a “Dancing with the Stars” kind of thing. I didn’t volunteer to dance (but I really wanted to volunteer but my wife would kill me if I did) but was accidentally picked to participate.

Really.

No kidding.

I walked up to the bar to get a drink (this was before the contest started) and the cruise director said, “Aren’t you..uh…”

‘Jeff’ I said. ‘My name is Jeff.’

“And you’re from…”

‘New York. And don’t sign me up for the dancing. My wife will kill me.’

Of course, they start calling out the names of the participants and, sure enough, “Jeff, from New York, New York.”

I turn to my wife.

‘I swear. I didn’t volunteer. I told them not to pick me.’

They paired me up with this very attractive young lady who was part of the cruise ship entertainment team. There were three judges. They played a song. We danced. The judges critiqued and then one couple was eliminated. My partner and I were the second couple to be eliminated. (I got a nice Norwegian Cruise Line pen for my troubles.)

A day later I’m riding in the elevator with my wife and there are two women at the back of the elevator.

“You’re the one from the dance contest. They shouldn’t have eliminated you. You were good.”

I thanked them for their words of support and promised to be available later that day to autograph anything they wanted autographed. My wife didn’t appreciate that remark.

Another time, while standing in a crowded line of people to get into the theater for the evening’s show, a woman said “You’re the one who lost the dance contest.”

While at one of the ship’s nightclubs this little blond asked me to dance, sort of.

It was about 11:00pm. I was enjoying an Appletini² in the nightclub and this blond sits in a chair to my right. Her mother was standing behind her so I just looked at them both and smiled. But then the little blond patted the seat cushion, sort of telling me, “Come here.” I looked at my wife. I looked at her mother. The little blond patted the seat cushion yet again and, well, I couldn’t resist. I remember when my daughters were that little and how adorable they were at three years old so, right then and there, I stood up, the little blond stood up and we danced. I assured her mom that I wasn’t a pedophile but when grandma came over I figured I crossed some line so I smiled and sat down.

.  .  .  .  .

Ever since I’ve returned from that cruise I keep going to my local post office to check the walls. I’m praying that grandma hasn’t posted my picture.

1. Sometimes I imagine myself walking in the Agora, speaking eloquently about science and politics and human nature, and my writings are akin to Plato’s Dialogues, many of which are transcriptions (with some philosophical license) of the utterances of Socrates.
2. I’m not really big on drinking and so I switch off from Appletini’s to Margarita’s to beers and back (not all on the same night) because those are the only drinks that I remember that I like.

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Thoughts on a Wellbutrin-less Theme,
or
My Search For the Gift of Adhd

if only I could sit
if only I could sit I’m sure that I can
write a novel or three
a history book or two.

if only I could sit I could write a  new computer game, or create a painting or two.

if only I could sit I could take the
contents of my brain and pour it out
onto paper and lay it before me
and sort it
and shape it
and refine it.

if only I could sit.

if only I could sleep I could lick this
ADHD.
I could control my day,
I could do what I must do.
if only I could sleep.

Post Script

I am waiting patiently for the gift to arrive and, so far, I have not seen any evidence of magical powers. I have found that my patience has gone down to zero and I can only concentrate in five minute increments. To perform a task for longer than five minutes requires that I, metaphorically, stick my head in a vise and squeeze my brain into submission, usually while listening to some good toe-tapping music on my headphones as I dance about in my desk chair. Overall this Wellbutrin-less existence has been an absolute disaster and I need to get back on the medication.

But I must confess to a definite difference between living a medicated and non-medicated state…besides the obvious increase in physical and mental chaos. I noticed a marked difference in the rate that ideas are generated. Others have pointed this out and I think there’s some truth to it. Ideas flow at a much faster rate when compared to my medicated state. However, it is nearly impossible to retain any of the ideas long enough to actually act on them. They flit by at lightning speed and they have the consistency of wisps of smoke. They seem to be within grasp and as soon as you reach out to hold onto them they disappear. This heightened intellectual fecundity is, I believe, self-delusion. It only seems like you’re experiencing some sort of intellectual renaissance when, in actuality, you are likely experiencing more ‘noise in the system’ and mistaking this noise for ideas. The internally high noise level, which is the ‘natural state’ for ADHDers, seems more intellectually stimulating (at least for the small percentage of ADHDers who are intelligent) and, therefore, misleads the ADHDer into thinking that the number of ideas has grown exponentially. What has really happened is that the system noise has increased exponentially and the ability to filter out the noise and focus on the ‘good’ ideas (yes, every idea is not necessarily good) has nearly disappeared.

I’ve also noticed a marked increase in physical activity. My body screams at me to get up and move and not just walk but lift things with my arms and shoulders. It’s dying to get all the muscles moving. I’ve started to think about rejoining a gym or, at the least, getting some home gym that would allow me to pump a little iron and then run back to my desk to work. All this new found activity has been focused on my home and is evidenced in the photos of my Facebook page (a few photos are below). I’ve built two fences, rewired most of the outdoor lights, rewired parts of the garage, rearranged everything in the garage to give myself more working space, and so on.¹ As a result of all this I’ve been losing weight which is not surprising now that I’ve become a perpetual motion machine.

When I’m back on medication I’d like to figure out how to keep up the level of physical activity.

Corner Fence

Side Fence

1. If I were to change careers one more time, I’d go into the construction trades.

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Listen my Children and You shall Hear,

About a Confession to Make that I Hold so Dear.

It is Not Easy for Me to Say this Out Loud,

‘Bout the Very Thing of Which I Was Not Proud.

It Came Upon Me Like a Bolt of Lightning,

And the Realization, it was Very Frightening.

It is True what they say ’bout the Toves in the Wabe.

It is True what they say ’bout the Borogoves and Waves.

It is True what they say ’bout the Plates that they Shift.

It is True what they say, ADHD is a Gift.

It is why I am Sexy.

It is why I am Smart.

It is why I say “Flatulence.”

It is why I don’t say “Fart.”

This Brilliant Reality is What I Now See.

It is What makes me so Witty,

It is What makes Me be Me.

My Praise to the Lord for this Wonderful Gift.

It is what Makes me so Special,

It is what Makes me Full of Shit.

.

Happy April Fool's Day

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Still, despite the improvements in ADHD safety equipment (and the drugs), it’s a bit depressing  to see that other ADHDers can’t avoid crashing into the same walls that I have crashed into again and again and again. Perhaps that is the way it should be. Perhaps there is no shortcut to learning to deal with ADHD. Perhaps Papa Mousekewitz was right all along. “Fievel, if growing up were so easy, would it take so long?” But I’m…er…way past 30 years old. When will I finally grow up? Enquiring minds want to know.

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Victory! The accounting department acknowledges their error and gives me a credit of $430.21 (Yes...you can click on the image for a larger view)

In case you can’t read that email (even after clicking on the image), here’s the text of the email:

Dear Valued Verizon Customer,

We have processed your request for a credit to your Verizon account.
Please accept our apology for any inconvenience related to your
service inquiry. It is our goal to efficiently resolve our customer's
service request for complete satisfaction.

A credit in the amount of $430.21 will appear no later than your
MAR, 2011 billing statement.

You may also track your billing adjustment by utilizing our bill
view tool at www.verizon.com/billing

Complete the navigation instructions below to view adjustment records.

Step 1: Sign in to account
Step 2: Click view bill below account actions
Step 3: Click payment tab to the right of bill tab
Step 4: Below payment actions on right side of page click
payment/ adjustments history,
scroll down to view adjustment history

Sincerely,
Verizon
Customer Care Team

I assume that Verizon formatted the email with a tiny font because they did not want to give me the satisfaction of seeing, in BIG BOLD LETTERS that I had won. (I think they also realized that, as I am getting older, I am having problems reading such a small font.¹ ) But I don’t want to focus on what I won but, more importantly, on HOW I won my battle with Verizon.

My "Externalized" Information

From the beginning of my Verizon ordeal, I kept notes on each call I made. I recorded the date of the call, the length of the call, and a few details that would help me recall the conversation. I placed the notes in a file folder and then in the vertical file holder that sits to the left of my computer desk. Each time I called Verizon I took out the folder and, at the end of the call, I added new notes. By the time I made my last call (the call that finally solved the problem) on March 3, 2011, I was able to explain the sequence of events in great detail. I was able to be extraordinarily patient (admittedly I lost it a bit several times while on the phone but each time I would go into a mini-rant I would then apologize to the person I was talking to) with the service representative and I could tell them, with great accuracy, the (theoretical) result of each previous call. (Several times I was told this issue would be resolved…obviously it wasn’t.) I was able to do this because I followed Barkley’s Rule No. 4: Externalize Key Information.

I contained some of my anger during my phone calls with Verizon. When it slipped out I apologized to the person on the phone and, when I was on hold, I let loose a bit more. Yet there was still more anger that needed to get out and a bit of ranting didn’t do it for me.

Is It Really Anger?

I’m beginning to think that what I keep referring to as an “anger issue” is not an anger issue at all. In an earlier post I wrote that my problem is not anger per se but the way that anger is expressed. I’m still grappling for the right metaphor because anger isn’t quite the right word to describe the feeling. It is more like an internal tension that behaves like a rubber band in a balsa wood airplane. Specific types of events, like these frustrating phone calls, and non-events, such as disappointments or piles of bills (have you ever felt that those piles were mocking you…that they were standing there and sticking their tongues out at you and saying, “Hey moron! Here’s something else you forgot to do!”) add a few more turns of the propeller, twisting the rubber band further and increasing the stored up torque, eventually reaching a point where the propeller can’t be turned anymore and the rubber band’s torque is released and the plane flies and crashes into everything in its flight path until it finally hits the floor and smashes into pieces.

Yeah…that sounds like “the gift.”

Image Source: http://modelsaviation.com/Rubber-Band-Powered-Airplanes.html

Post Script

I do not want any ADHDer who has read this post to think that, “Wow! Jeff has really got his shit together! He can now handle these long, drawn out tasks and even win. And he’s learning to deal with this anger and to get past his ADHD.” This is part illusion, part of the pitfalls of blogging and even the pitfalls of narrative that what you read follows a logic in order to make a particular point yet that point is only a slice of reality. (Did you catch the reference earlier in this post about the piles of bills mocking you? I wrote that because, while writing this post, I caught a glimpse of a pile of bills and at the top was an invoice dated for January that…surprise, surprise…has not been paid. Yet if I had not added that parenthetical observation you would not know that the nice narrative about Jeff being able to stay on top of an issue is part illusion…that the narrative forces the writer to push, outside of the narrative, those other forces that are at work…and I’m trying to bring into the narrative that which often escapes the narrative…I’m trying to capture that blooming, buzzing confusion of reality through parenthetical digressions, post scripts, italicized alternate voices.) Writing this post has helped me to remember that, yes, I CAN accomplish things in life…that, yes, I CAN do things when I am focused. But, fuck, the fucking effort required to really stay focused is the real killer. THAT’S what rips your fucking insides out. THAT’S the unending source of rage, of frustration, of internal tension. You can’t fucking escape this ADHD shit. The more I think about my struggles with ADHD the more I hate those fucking Gift of ADHD people. I despise them. I think they are fucking delusional. They are the fucking Jim Jones’s of the ADHD world, handing out their Gift of ADHD kool-aid. I’ve said it in the past and I will say it again. ADHD is a form of madness. Isn’t madness (as we think of it in lay terms) that voice in your head that won’t go away, that internal drive that you can’t turn off when you want to, that force that pushes you in the wrong direction all of the time? How dare anyone, ESPECIALLY THOSE WHO DO NOT HAVE ADHD, how dare they refer to this as a fucking gift! I can excuse the ADHDers since ADHDers are quite adept at fooling themselves (I’ve referred to ADD as Adult Delusional Disorder) but I cannot excuse those who do not have ADHD but still spout their la-la-la version of ADHD.

What is great about this fucking gift (or maybe it’s not the gift at all but my other curse, intelligence) is that I can hear the voices of others in my head. I hear them saying, “Boo hoo. I can’t live with my ADHD if all I see is doom and gloom. I need to always find something positive.” To those voices I say, Fuck You! Are you a moron? How can you fix something if you don’t confront it in all its ugliness? To always “see the positive in the negative” is NOT to confront the reality of the issue. In fact, it is the opposite. It is to RUN AWAY from the issue. It is a refusal to see reality as what it truly is and, instead, to substitute a fairy-tale version of reality.

Okay, Jeff. Calm down. No one likes anger. Gray skies are gonna clear up. Put on a happy face. Spread sunshine all over the place.

1. Has anyone investigated the possibility that the reason why people gain weight as they get older is not because their metabolism is changing or because they are becoming more sedentary but that it is a Darwinian adaptation to decreasing visual acuity, hence the body gets larger in order to make it easier for other older people to see it?

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Image source: http://skeptisys.wordpress.com/2008/03/03/verizon-attacks-civil-liberties-and-makes-illegal-spying-part-of-their-policy/

I use Verizon for all of my communication needs. I have four cell phones (one for each family member), one land line and one FIOS internet connection. I receive two monthly bills. One bill is for my cell phones, the other bill combines the charges for my land line and FIOS internet…well…it used to.

On November 29th, 2010, my FIOS internet stopped working. Since I have “the gift” of ADHD, I called their billing department. Maybe I missed a payment. Nope. Payments were up to date. I then spoke to their technical support department. It took a bit of digging to realize what the problem was. No payments were made for the FIOS internet. “How is that possible? Your computer said that my payments are up to date.” It turns out that in August 2010 (possibly earlier) Verizon had instituted a major change in their billing system. As a result, my FIOS internet billing was split off from my land line bill. I had never received a separate bill for the FIOS internet. However, the charges kept accumulating for FIOS and the internet service was turned off because of lack of payment. I promptly made a payment and service was restored. I was told that this billing error will be addressed. From then on the bill would consolidate land line and FIOS internet charges into a single bill…just like it was for years prior to August 2010.

You know where this story is going…right?

On January 27th, 2011 my FIOS internet stopped working. I called technical support who explained it was a billing issue, the same billing issue that caused the service to be turned off in November. A trouble ticket was being issued and it should all be cleared up in two days.

On February 23, 2011 my FIOS internet stopped working. This time I was angry…really angry. I called their office at 7:30am. The billing department was closed. I called back at 9:00am. I was on the phone for fifty-one minutes. The representative tried to straighten out the problem. She transferred me to their finance department. I was disconnected.

Now my inner lunatic started to emerge. I snapped at everyone…even my poor dogs. The obscenities poured forth, interspersed with sarcastic remarks about the virtues of the free market: “Look, honey! You can choose from Company A which provides crappy service or Company B which provides their own brand of crappy service. Isn’t competition wonderful?”

I called again.

I spent ten minutes explaining the situation to the representative. “Can I have your FIOS internet account number so I can pull up your records?” I had to swallow hard to keep my inner lunatic in check. “That’s the problem,” I said as I carefully monitored my volume for traces of anger. “I never got a bill so I can’t give you my FIOS account number even if I wanted to.” We reached an impasse. “I can only see your telephone bill and there’s nothing there about your internet. Without the FIOS account number I can’t help you.” My anger increased. I apologized for getting testy but, as I pointed out to the rep, this problem has been going on for months. “Call this number. They should be able to help you.”

I made my third phone call of the day.

“I apologize for this but I need to speak to a supervisor.”  I was put on hold. Thirteen minutes. Nineteen minutes. Thirty minutes passed. Same crappy on-hold music.

Thirty-five minutes passed.

I hung up.

I threw the phone across the room.

I’ve had a long relationship with anger. Like a good friend (and my State Farm agent), it has always been there. But it has a devilish streak. It often shows up at the wrong time, weeks or months after an egregious wrong has occurred. When it finally appears, it’s usually the result of some trivial event, like someone touching my pile of books.¹ This triggers a Vesuvius-like eruption, curses pouring forth with a blazing heat that burns the ears and sensibilities of all who are near. The eruption does not end until every real or perceived wrong, starting from the time of the REAL precipitating event to the triggering event to events that have not yet occurred, have been buried under the molten curses.

I’ve never really known what to do with this anger. I tried to get with the “happiness program” but it felt wrong. It irritated me. It made my skin crawl. It felt a bit phony.

So for years decades, really I kept my anger inside.

And periodically Vesuvius would explode.

.

.

When I was prescribed Wellbutrin for my ADHD, I noticed a momentary pause between precipitating event and outburst. The Wellbutrin allowed me to step between the event and the (potential) outburst and stop it from occurring. That helped…a lot.

.

.

Later I learned that “ADHD was the source my anger” but I wasn’t really sure what that implied. Did it imply that my anger was not justified? Did it imply that if I got my ADHD under control then the anger would be under control?

Maybe that’s what it implied.

Paradoxically, if ADHD was the fuel igniting my anger, ADHD also made it possible for me to contain it. It became a place for me to put my anger. Where’s your anger? I put it in the ADHD box. But when I entered my post-ADHD phase, the anger container was broken and the anger was released. I was back where I started so many years ago. I was back to being a person with an anger problem.

But that is all wrong.

I do NOT have an anger problem.

I have an outburst problem.

The way I expressed my anger may have been inappropriate but the anger itself was not inappropriate. In fact, I realized that ANGER IS GOOD! When towns shrivel up because jobs are shipped overseas, the appropriate response is anger. When a woman is a victim of domestic violence, the appropriate response is anger. When a parking spot in front of your house is taken by someone else after you spent hours shoveling snow so YOU could park there, the appropriate response is anger. The question is, NOT how to suppress that anger but, quite the opposite, how to EXPRESS IT. And I am learning how to express it in appropriate ways. Many times I feel better after releasing the anger. Sometimes I don’t feel better and that’s okay. So the next time a person parks in front of my house, I’m not going to cover his car in snow. That’s childish and inappropriate. Instead, I will knock on his door, explain why I am angry, and then shoot him. I’m sure THAT will make me feel much better.

1. “Book pile touching” is a cataclysmic event within the ADHD universe, equivalent to the explosion of the Crab Nebula (1054 A.D. if you must know). “Book piles,” for ADHDers (and this applies to many of the other piles they create) are meticulously crafted arrangements of objects that have an order discernible only by the ADHDer. When a non-ADHDer touches the pile, the order is irrevocably destroyed and, in accord with the laws of ADHD quantum mechanics, can never be put back into the exact same order it was prior to the touching.

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I receive emails from many of my blog readers and I’ve decided to use the opening of this post to respond to a number of them. To those who have been wondering if I have been leaving her satisfied or wanting more, the answer is, “satisfied.” Therefore I have no need for those enlargement pills that you keep telling me about. To those who would like me to get involved in the lucrative trade of mining molybdenum, I regretfully decline your generous offer of a partnership. I don’t think business partnerships should be based on a random drawing of someone’s email address. Finally, to those who have been wondering why my blog posting output level seems to have dropped, the answer is “I’ve been busy.” Most of my effort has been aimed at building up a steady stream of business because I’m simply tired of the continual cash flow problems that plague entrepreneurs. And as I have announced in earlier posts, I no longer dwell on my ADHD as the major problem. Instead, I try to understand the nature of the problem at hand and try to arrive at a solution. For example, I realized that I was having difficulty working on several projects simultaneously (a very typical ADHD problem). The solution was to schedule my day in greater detail, breaking the day into chunks of time with different chunks designated for different projects. Now this is a solution that anyone – ADHD or not – may arrive at. However, since I haven’t completely forgotten that I have ADHD, I’ve added some transition time so I can clear out my head before going onto the next task.

Mont Ventoux (Image source: http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Mont_ventoux_summit.jpg)

This new-found approach to problems is a result of my evolving relationship towards my ADHD. Having gone through the ADHD-version of Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs, I began with magical thinking (ADHD is a gift) to ADHD as a curse (the “evil” form of magical thinking?) to the highest stage where ADHD is no longer the center of my personal universe. Perhaps I reached level OT VIII? During this transformation and Petrarch-like ascent to the top of Mont Ventoux, I entered a whole new world, a postADHD world that provided a fantastic point of view. However, I am beginning to wonder if the transformation and ascent has been part illusion. While I no longer rock back and forth mumbling incoherently about my ADHD not that I ever did…but you get the picture, and I no longer put on a cape and run around the house exclaiming the virtues of my ADHD superpowers now that’s something I used to do!, I realized that my meta-morph-osis, my ascent, has become a game of ADHD Whac-A-Mole. As I went through the ADHD Hierarchy of Needs and my relationship to ADHD had changed, an old friend from childhood popped up. My anger issues were back.

Is dealing with your ADHD really a game of Whac-A-Mole? (Image source: http://switchgaming.blogspot.com/2008/09/game-for-helen-whac-mole.html)

I’ll be the first to admit that I have a limited repertoire of emotions and that anger has been the predominant one. But the anger issues that have resurfaced are not the good kinds of anger issues. Question: What are the “good” kinds of anger? Answer: anger that is motivated by indignation is the “good kind” of anger. I usually use the word “passionate” when discussing this type of anger, such as my being passionate about politics. I will argue vociferously with those of opposing viewpoints and, as I found out early in life, one best have all their facts lined up when doing so. I’ve also learned that many people aren’t really interested in facts because they aren’t really interested in dialogue that ends in a new understanding. Many people believe they ALREADY have the right point of view and anyone who believes something contrary to their beliefs is a meathead. They are anger issues that are all out of proportion to the particular frustration at hand and which often result in explosive anger. This anger has been aimed at those bastards who have parked in my parking spot after I spent hours shoveling snow to make a spot for MY car. There’s also some anger aimed at myself, such as when I forget something that I should have noted in my calendar, and some anger aimed at my HappyLight why did they give it that name? Whenever I say it I feel like one of those Krishnas wrapped in a bedsheet jumping up and down and chanting about  Harvey Krishner which seems to have a diminishing effect on my other F!#*!KING gift — Seasonal Affective Disorder — since it just cannot compensate for a week of gloomy, dark days. A part of me wondered if I am also HSP, since I seem to be the only one in the house who can hear water dripping from forty feet away, who notices the qualitative change in light from day to day and season to season, who cannot tolerate certain sounds (and if my F!*!KING parrots don’t shut up I’m going to make parrot fricassee!) but I refuse to read the book about highly sensitive people (what a shitty name! Every time I say it in my head I can hear the schoolyard taunts) because I don’t want another F*!#@KING acronym attached to me. Some of this anger may be justified, but when the anger does not subside, when it intensifies through its own feedback loop, then it becomes an anger issue. Coincidentally, the next local CHADD meeting will be focusing on anger management. I’ve rehearsed in my head how I will behave during that meeting. When all is quiet I will jump out of my seat and scream, in my best Howard Beale imitation, that I don’t have anger management issues and I’m not going to talk about it anymore. Then I’ll quietly sit down. So while I may have gone through the Hierarchy of ADHD Needs, I may not have made it to the top of Mont Ventoux.

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But how is it even possible that I’ve run out of things to say about ADHD? My ADHD is not gone. Yet something fundamental has changed. A new Jeff — version 3.0(?) — has emerged and is the very reason why I have run out of things to say about ADHD.  In version 3.0 of me, I have stopped thinking about ADHD. It is no longer the center of my universe. It is gone, not in the sense that it has been eradicated, but in the sense that it’s a minor annoyance. I feel that a “Jeff” I haven’t seen in decades has come back, the “Jeff” that was always doing something interesting, the “Jeff” of my graduate school days who worked three days a week as a movie projectionist, taught two courses at a local college and was a full-time student in a PhD program. That “Jeff” that did it all, kept all of those plates spinning…and successfully too. That was the Jeff that didn’t know he had ADHD, the Jeff that just went ahead with his life and did whatever he had to do because it was what he had to do. But now that that Jeff has come back there is an important difference. That Jeff — the current Jeff  Version 3.0 — knows that he has ADHD. He knows he may hit a wall BUT NOW he knows how to get around that wall, how to jump over that wall or, if necessary, how to tunnel right through that wall.

This version of Jeff was always there, waiting to reemerge, but he needed help. He needed, as Dr. Barkley puts it in his Taking Charge of Adult ADHD, a set of “ramps” to overcome his “handicap”: a weekly calendar, daily walks and, finally, a general routine for the day and the evening.¹ But most importantly, this Jeff has moved beyond ADHD. It is not a curse and it is not a source of superpowers. This Jeff has stopped focusing on it as the be-all-and-end-all of his life and, instead, he’s placed the other 98% of his life in the middle of it all, focusing on what he needs to accomplish and NOT on what interferes with what he needs to accomplish. If something does interfere, he figures out how to get around it, how to get unstuck.

I cannot emphasize enough how different I feel now that my life does not revolve around the dark star of ADHD. Of course my ADHD is not gone. Far from it. In fact, it can never be gone. But I’ve reached a point where my ADD mind is not dwelling on ADD all day long. This, it seems to me, is the real goal of all of this reading and blogging and psychologizing and coaching and medicating and exercising. To metaphorically CURE ADHD. But as for those others who obsess over ADHD and, through divination, find hidden powers that only the cognoscenti can have access to, they are not dealing with their ADHD. In fact, they are doing the opposite. They are putting ADHD in the center of the universe when they really should be putting it way out there, way past Pluto or, better yet, in another galaxy.²

Have no fear. I’ll still be writing about ADHD but at times it won’t be obvious that I am doing so. That’s because Jeff’s ADD Mind has become Jeff’s Mind, with a dash of ADD.

1. Following Sydney Holt’s advice, I try to get to sleep around the same time each night and, following Dr. Parker’s advice, I try to get my seven  or so hours of sleep. Melatonin has definitely helped me with this.
2. I often wonder why many of the newly diagnosed want to become ADHD coaches. You never hear people say, “Hey…I’ve been diagnosed with prostate cancer. You know what? I think I’ll become an oncologist!”

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Have you ever heard a man say, “I have the gift of prostate cancer! I can’t pee straight, sh*t straight, or get an erection! This is the best gift a guy could ever have!!” Not likely you’ll hear a man say that. Instead, you’ll hear how he is figuring out how to get around the shortcomings, how to have a “normal” life without prostate cancer becoming the focus of his life. Of course, its effects are not going to completely disappear, but it doesn’t have to be the center of his existence.

I’ve done the same with my “gift of ADHD.” It is no longer the center of my existence and I feel 400% better for having done so. I can concentrate on my work because I now see my ADHD as some sort of an annoying mosquito. I swat it and it zips away for awhile. I hear its buzz as it comes closer and I duck or swat or whatever I need to do to keep it away from me. Sometimes I don’t hear its buzz, it bites me and then, after a few expletives and a chuckle, I’m back at my work. That’s it! THAT’S the secret sauce to living and thriving with your ADHD. Reduce it to the size of a mosquito and keep fly swatters around — calendars; reminders; physical exercises, etc. — so you can reduce its annoyance and get on with the other 98% of your life.

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