Victory! The accounting department acknowledges their error and gives me a credit of $430.21 (Yes...you can click on the image for a larger view)

In case you can’t read that email (even after clicking on the image), here’s the text of the email:

Dear Valued Verizon Customer,

We have processed your request for a credit to your Verizon account.
Please accept our apology for any inconvenience related to your
service inquiry. It is our goal to efficiently resolve our customer's
service request for complete satisfaction.

A credit in the amount of $430.21 will appear no later than your
MAR, 2011 billing statement.

You may also track your billing adjustment by utilizing our bill
view tool at www.verizon.com/billing

Complete the navigation instructions below to view adjustment records.

Step 1: Sign in to account
Step 2: Click view bill below account actions
Step 3: Click payment tab to the right of bill tab
Step 4: Below payment actions on right side of page click
payment/ adjustments history,
scroll down to view adjustment history

Sincerely,
Verizon
Customer Care Team

I assume that Verizon formatted the email with a tiny font because they did not want to give me the satisfaction of seeing, in BIG BOLD LETTERS that I had won. (I think they also realized that, as I am getting older, I am having problems reading such a small font.¹ ) But I don’t want to focus on what I won but, more importantly, on HOW I won my battle with Verizon.

My "Externalized" Information

From the beginning of my Verizon ordeal, I kept notes on each call I made. I recorded the date of the call, the length of the call, and a few details that would help me recall the conversation. I placed the notes in a file folder and then in the vertical file holder that sits to the left of my computer desk. Each time I called Verizon I took out the folder and, at the end of the call, I added new notes. By the time I made my last call (the call that finally solved the problem) on March 3, 2011, I was able to explain the sequence of events in great detail. I was able to be extraordinarily patient (admittedly I lost it a bit several times while on the phone but each time I would go into a mini-rant I would then apologize to the person I was talking to) with the service representative and I could tell them, with great accuracy, the (theoretical) result of each previous call. (Several times I was told this issue would be resolved…obviously it wasn’t.) I was able to do this because I followed Barkley’s Rule No. 4: Externalize Key Information.

I contained some of my anger during my phone calls with Verizon. When it slipped out I apologized to the person on the phone and, when I was on hold, I let loose a bit more. Yet there was still more anger that needed to get out and a bit of ranting didn’t do it for me.

Is It Really Anger?

I’m beginning to think that what I keep referring to as an “anger issue” is not an anger issue at all. In an earlier post I wrote that my problem is not anger per se but the way that anger is expressed. I’m still grappling for the right metaphor because anger isn’t quite the right word to describe the feeling. It is more like an internal tension that behaves like a rubber band in a balsa wood airplane. Specific types of events, like these frustrating phone calls, and non-events, such as disappointments or piles of bills (have you ever felt that those piles were mocking you…that they were standing there and sticking their tongues out at you and saying, “Hey moron! Here’s something else you forgot to do!”) add a few more turns of the propeller, twisting the rubber band further and increasing the stored up torque, eventually reaching a point where the propeller can’t be turned anymore and the rubber band’s torque is released and the plane flies and crashes into everything in its flight path until it finally hits the floor and smashes into pieces.

Yeah…that sounds like “the gift.”

Image Source: http://modelsaviation.com/Rubber-Band-Powered-Airplanes.html

Post Script

I do not want any ADHDer who has read this post to think that, “Wow! Jeff has really got his shit together! He can now handle these long, drawn out tasks and even win. And he’s learning to deal with this anger and to get past his ADHD.” This is part illusion, part of the pitfalls of blogging and even the pitfalls of narrative that what you read follows a logic in order to make a particular point yet that point is only a slice of reality. (Did you catch the reference earlier in this post about the piles of bills mocking you? I wrote that because, while writing this post, I caught a glimpse of a pile of bills and at the top was an invoice dated for January that…surprise, surprise…has not been paid. Yet if I had not added that parenthetical observation you would not know that the nice narrative about Jeff being able to stay on top of an issue is part illusion…that the narrative forces the writer to push, outside of the narrative, those other forces that are at work…and I’m trying to bring into the narrative that which often escapes the narrative…I’m trying to capture that blooming, buzzing confusion of reality through parenthetical digressions, post scripts, italicized alternate voices.) Writing this post has helped me to remember that, yes, I CAN accomplish things in life…that, yes, I CAN do things when I am focused. But, fuck, the fucking effort required to really stay focused is the real killer. THAT’S what rips your fucking insides out. THAT’S the unending source of rage, of frustration, of internal tension. You can’t fucking escape this ADHD shit. The more I think about my struggles with ADHD the more I hate those fucking Gift of ADHD people. I despise them. I think they are fucking delusional. They are the fucking Jim Jones’s of the ADHD world, handing out their Gift of ADHD kool-aid. I’ve said it in the past and I will say it again. ADHD is a form of madness. Isn’t madness (as we think of it in lay terms) that voice in your head that won’t go away, that internal drive that you can’t turn off when you want to, that force that pushes you in the wrong direction all of the time? How dare anyone, ESPECIALLY THOSE WHO DO NOT HAVE ADHD, how dare they refer to this as a fucking gift! I can excuse the ADHDers since ADHDers are quite adept at fooling themselves (I’ve referred to ADD as Adult Delusional Disorder) but I cannot excuse those who do not have ADHD but still spout their la-la-la version of ADHD.

What is great about this fucking gift (or maybe it’s not the gift at all but my other curse, intelligence) is that I can hear the voices of others in my head. I hear them saying, “Boo hoo. I can’t live with my ADHD if all I see is doom and gloom. I need to always find something positive.” To those voices I say, Fuck You! Are you a moron? How can you fix something if you don’t confront it in all its ugliness? To always “see the positive in the negative” is NOT to confront the reality of the issue. In fact, it is the opposite. It is to RUN AWAY from the issue. It is a refusal to see reality as what it truly is and, instead, to substitute a fairy-tale version of reality.

Okay, Jeff. Calm down. No one likes anger. Gray skies are gonna clear up. Put on a happy face. Spread sunshine all over the place.

1. Has anyone investigated the possibility that the reason why people gain weight as they get older is not because their metabolism is changing or because they are becoming more sedentary but that it is a Darwinian adaptation to decreasing visual acuity, hence the body gets larger in order to make it easier for other older people to see it?

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Image source: http://www.nicheadsensechallenge.com/niche-site-challenge-1-my-strategies-for-success/

In response to my post, Don’t Worry…Get Angry, Jay (his website is Addled: Grappling with Adult ADD) tells us that while his medications help him deal with frustrating situations — he doesn’t blow up — it does nothing to reduce the anger. He feels paralyzed, stewing in his juices, unable to get passed the anger. He writes:

I’ll find out someone else on my team designed some software in a remarkably idiotic way and I’ll stew on it for hours, getting little done. I may express this anger to another colleague, but the venting doesn’t get me over the hump. It is in my power/influence to do *something* that may help correct the problem, but I can’t get passed “pissed off”. (Jay’s full comment is here)

I’m very sympathetic with this issue. I’ve been a software developer (now web developer) for quite a few years and have been in just this type of situation many times. As Jay and others in technical and professional fields already know, different people may do things in somewhat different ways. However, in many fields there are often some general standards and a “logic” that must be followed: if you are building a home, the basement should be built before the first floor.¹ Those with more experience, like Jay, can find themselves in a situation where less experienced co-workers or, those who simply don’t think through the implications of what they are doing, do things in a “remarkably idiotic way.” How should you respond when this happens? Here’s my suggestion.

First, take a thirty minute walk to help left off steam. Second, discuss the issue with a colleague. (Jay has already tried these suggestions.) Third, turn it into a teaching moment for the errant co-worker. Write down the reasons why that person’s solution was less than desirable (this helps you get a clear picture of the issue at hand) and then work with that person so that he understands why a different solution would have been better. It’s of utmost importance that this be a real dialogue and NOT a lecture. Listen to his reasons for doing what he did. Use questions to help him see, for himself, the potential pitfalls of his solution. Change will not take place unless he can see what you see, but you need to play the role of the Socratic midwife, helping to bring out the responses without simply providing them. Here’s an example of how it might be done.

Let’s assume this person was assigned the task of designing a wheel. He designs a perfectly usable wheel. However, you believe that a square-shaped wheel may not be the optimal design. Will it work? It may work. However, it will cause a lot of problems for the vehicle it is attached to. Instead of listing these problems, work through the design issues with a series of questions. You can ask, “What changes would be needed to the wheel well if we use your design on vehicles?”, “What effect would your design have on the vehicle’s suspension system?”, “What other parts of the vehicle would have to be re-engineered in order to accommodate your design?” As should be obvious, these questions should lead him to think about how the newly designed object as part of a system and the impact it will have within that larger system. In order for this to work you also need to keep an open mind and be able to listen carefully to what he is saying. It is possible that he had a great idea but he wasn’t sure how to implement it, hence the less-than-optimal solution.

For me, this process helps me to get passed “paralysis” and get rid of some of that anger that is not dissipated by a thirty minute walk or a discussion with a colleague. Further, it also means that you are creating the possibility that this frustrating situation will not occur again. After a few discussions like this, he should be able to get to the point where he can ask himself these questions and be able to figure out if Design A is preferable to Design B. Finally, if nothing changes after a few of these Socratic-like sessions, then shoot the son-of-a-bitch. You’ll feel much better while doing jail time for murder.

1. It *is* possible to add a basement after the fact but that, too, must follow particular standards and a discernible “logic.”

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Image source: http://skeptisys.wordpress.com/2008/03/03/verizon-attacks-civil-liberties-and-makes-illegal-spying-part-of-their-policy/

I use Verizon for all of my communication needs. I have four cell phones (one for each family member), one land line and one FIOS internet connection. I receive two monthly bills. One bill is for my cell phones, the other bill combines the charges for my land line and FIOS internet…well…it used to.

On November 29th, 2010, my FIOS internet stopped working. Since I have “the gift” of ADHD, I called their billing department. Maybe I missed a payment. Nope. Payments were up to date. I then spoke to their technical support department. It took a bit of digging to realize what the problem was. No payments were made for the FIOS internet. “How is that possible? Your computer said that my payments are up to date.” It turns out that in August 2010 (possibly earlier) Verizon had instituted a major change in their billing system. As a result, my FIOS internet billing was split off from my land line bill. I had never received a separate bill for the FIOS internet. However, the charges kept accumulating for FIOS and the internet service was turned off because of lack of payment. I promptly made a payment and service was restored. I was told that this billing error will be addressed. From then on the bill would consolidate land line and FIOS internet charges into a single bill…just like it was for years prior to August 2010.

You know where this story is going…right?

On January 27th, 2011 my FIOS internet stopped working. I called technical support who explained it was a billing issue, the same billing issue that caused the service to be turned off in November. A trouble ticket was being issued and it should all be cleared up in two days.

On February 23, 2011 my FIOS internet stopped working. This time I was angry…really angry. I called their office at 7:30am. The billing department was closed. I called back at 9:00am. I was on the phone for fifty-one minutes. The representative tried to straighten out the problem. She transferred me to their finance department. I was disconnected.

Now my inner lunatic started to emerge. I snapped at everyone…even my poor dogs. The obscenities poured forth, interspersed with sarcastic remarks about the virtues of the free market: “Look, honey! You can choose from Company A which provides crappy service or Company B which provides their own brand of crappy service. Isn’t competition wonderful?”

I called again.

I spent ten minutes explaining the situation to the representative. “Can I have your FIOS internet account number so I can pull up your records?” I had to swallow hard to keep my inner lunatic in check. “That’s the problem,” I said as I carefully monitored my volume for traces of anger. “I never got a bill so I can’t give you my FIOS account number even if I wanted to.” We reached an impasse. “I can only see your telephone bill and there’s nothing there about your internet. Without the FIOS account number I can’t help you.” My anger increased. I apologized for getting testy but, as I pointed out to the rep, this problem has been going on for months. “Call this number. They should be able to help you.”

I made my third phone call of the day.

“I apologize for this but I need to speak to a supervisor.”  I was put on hold. Thirteen minutes. Nineteen minutes. Thirty minutes passed. Same crappy on-hold music.

Thirty-five minutes passed.

I hung up.

I threw the phone across the room.

I’ve had a long relationship with anger. Like a good friend (and my State Farm agent), it has always been there. But it has a devilish streak. It often shows up at the wrong time, weeks or months after an egregious wrong has occurred. When it finally appears, it’s usually the result of some trivial event, like someone touching my pile of books.¹ This triggers a Vesuvius-like eruption, curses pouring forth with a blazing heat that burns the ears and sensibilities of all who are near. The eruption does not end until every real or perceived wrong, starting from the time of the REAL precipitating event to the triggering event to events that have not yet occurred, have been buried under the molten curses.

I’ve never really known what to do with this anger. I tried to get with the “happiness program” but it felt wrong. It irritated me. It made my skin crawl. It felt a bit phony.

So for years decades, really I kept my anger inside.

And periodically Vesuvius would explode.

.

.

When I was prescribed Wellbutrin for my ADHD, I noticed a momentary pause between precipitating event and outburst. The Wellbutrin allowed me to step between the event and the (potential) outburst and stop it from occurring. That helped…a lot.

.

.

Later I learned that “ADHD was the source my anger” but I wasn’t really sure what that implied. Did it imply that my anger was not justified? Did it imply that if I got my ADHD under control then the anger would be under control?

Maybe that’s what it implied.

Paradoxically, if ADHD was the fuel igniting my anger, ADHD also made it possible for me to contain it. It became a place for me to put my anger. Where’s your anger? I put it in the ADHD box. But when I entered my post-ADHD phase, the anger container was broken and the anger was released. I was back where I started so many years ago. I was back to being a person with an anger problem.

But that is all wrong.

I do NOT have an anger problem.

I have an outburst problem.

The way I expressed my anger may have been inappropriate but the anger itself was not inappropriate. In fact, I realized that ANGER IS GOOD! When towns shrivel up because jobs are shipped overseas, the appropriate response is anger. When a woman is a victim of domestic violence, the appropriate response is anger. When a parking spot in front of your house is taken by someone else after you spent hours shoveling snow so YOU could park there, the appropriate response is anger. The question is, NOT how to suppress that anger but, quite the opposite, how to EXPRESS IT. And I am learning how to express it in appropriate ways. Many times I feel better after releasing the anger. Sometimes I don’t feel better and that’s okay. So the next time a person parks in front of my house, I’m not going to cover his car in snow. That’s childish and inappropriate. Instead, I will knock on his door, explain why I am angry, and then shoot him. I’m sure THAT will make me feel much better.

1. “Book pile touching” is a cataclysmic event within the ADHD universe, equivalent to the explosion of the Crab Nebula (1054 A.D. if you must know). “Book piles,” for ADHDers (and this applies to many of the other piles they create) are meticulously crafted arrangements of objects that have an order discernible only by the ADHDer. When a non-ADHDer touches the pile, the order is irrevocably destroyed and, in accord with the laws of ADHD quantum mechanics, can never be put back into the exact same order it was prior to the touching.

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I receive emails from many of my blog readers and I’ve decided to use the opening of this post to respond to a number of them. To those who have been wondering if I have been leaving her satisfied or wanting more, the answer is, “satisfied.” Therefore I have no need for those enlargement pills that you keep telling me about. To those who would like me to get involved in the lucrative trade of mining molybdenum, I regretfully decline your generous offer of a partnership. I don’t think business partnerships should be based on a random drawing of someone’s email address. Finally, to those who have been wondering why my blog posting output level seems to have dropped, the answer is “I’ve been busy.” Most of my effort has been aimed at building up a steady stream of business because I’m simply tired of the continual cash flow problems that plague entrepreneurs. And as I have announced in earlier posts, I no longer dwell on my ADHD as the major problem. Instead, I try to understand the nature of the problem at hand and try to arrive at a solution. For example, I realized that I was having difficulty working on several projects simultaneously (a very typical ADHD problem). The solution was to schedule my day in greater detail, breaking the day into chunks of time with different chunks designated for different projects. Now this is a solution that anyone – ADHD or not – may arrive at. However, since I haven’t completely forgotten that I have ADHD, I’ve added some transition time so I can clear out my head before going onto the next task.

Mont Ventoux (Image source: http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Mont_ventoux_summit.jpg)

This new-found approach to problems is a result of my evolving relationship towards my ADHD. Having gone through the ADHD-version of Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs, I began with magical thinking (ADHD is a gift) to ADHD as a curse (the “evil” form of magical thinking?) to the highest stage where ADHD is no longer the center of my personal universe. Perhaps I reached level OT VIII? During this transformation and Petrarch-like ascent to the top of Mont Ventoux, I entered a whole new world, a postADHD world that provided a fantastic point of view. However, I am beginning to wonder if the transformation and ascent has been part illusion. While I no longer rock back and forth mumbling incoherently about my ADHD not that I ever did…but you get the picture, and I no longer put on a cape and run around the house exclaiming the virtues of my ADHD superpowers now that’s something I used to do!, I realized that my meta-morph-osis, my ascent, has become a game of ADHD Whac-A-Mole. As I went through the ADHD Hierarchy of Needs and my relationship to ADHD had changed, an old friend from childhood popped up. My anger issues were back.

Is dealing with your ADHD really a game of Whac-A-Mole? (Image source: http://switchgaming.blogspot.com/2008/09/game-for-helen-whac-mole.html)

I’ll be the first to admit that I have a limited repertoire of emotions and that anger has been the predominant one. But the anger issues that have resurfaced are not the good kinds of anger issues. Question: What are the “good” kinds of anger? Answer: anger that is motivated by indignation is the “good kind” of anger. I usually use the word “passionate” when discussing this type of anger, such as my being passionate about politics. I will argue vociferously with those of opposing viewpoints and, as I found out early in life, one best have all their facts lined up when doing so. I’ve also learned that many people aren’t really interested in facts because they aren’t really interested in dialogue that ends in a new understanding. Many people believe they ALREADY have the right point of view and anyone who believes something contrary to their beliefs is a meathead. They are anger issues that are all out of proportion to the particular frustration at hand and which often result in explosive anger. This anger has been aimed at those bastards who have parked in my parking spot after I spent hours shoveling snow to make a spot for MY car. There’s also some anger aimed at myself, such as when I forget something that I should have noted in my calendar, and some anger aimed at my HappyLight why did they give it that name? Whenever I say it I feel like one of those Krishnas wrapped in a bedsheet jumping up and down and chanting about  Harvey Krishner which seems to have a diminishing effect on my other F!#*!KING gift — Seasonal Affective Disorder — since it just cannot compensate for a week of gloomy, dark days. A part of me wondered if I am also HSP, since I seem to be the only one in the house who can hear water dripping from forty feet away, who notices the qualitative change in light from day to day and season to season, who cannot tolerate certain sounds (and if my F!*!KING parrots don’t shut up I’m going to make parrot fricassee!) but I refuse to read the book about highly sensitive people (what a shitty name! Every time I say it in my head I can hear the schoolyard taunts) because I don’t want another F*!#@KING acronym attached to me. Some of this anger may be justified, but when the anger does not subside, when it intensifies through its own feedback loop, then it becomes an anger issue. Coincidentally, the next local CHADD meeting will be focusing on anger management. I’ve rehearsed in my head how I will behave during that meeting. When all is quiet I will jump out of my seat and scream, in my best Howard Beale imitation, that I don’t have anger management issues and I’m not going to talk about it anymore. Then I’ll quietly sit down. So while I may have gone through the Hierarchy of ADHD Needs, I may not have made it to the top of Mont Ventoux.

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The major difference between jeweled facets and “personality facets”⁴ is that, unlike the jewel, there is no central core or solid substrate upon which the facets adhere. The core is a swirling viscous mass of A.D.D. emotion and energy moving at high speed much like the earliest stages of the universe’s Big Bang. Keeping the correct facet facing the world (i.e., making it visible to the outside) requires an enormous amount of countervailing energy to keep it in place. What you have here is A.D.D. rage just waiting to happen. The balancing act is between the internal explosive core and an external countervailing force (your willpower?)⁵ that tries to contain it. At the boundary of the two is the personality facet. When the forces can no longer stay in balance, you have A.D.D. rage. In the words of Yeats, “the centre cannot hold” and “anarchy is loosed upon the world.”⁶

Eventually the rage subsides but something else occurs. When the balance is again achieved, the particular personality facet that was at the boundary of the forces may no longer exist. It may have been completed destroyed and will never be visible again. Or it may have been severely damaged so that something is missing when it is seen by the public. Or miraculously that personality facet may have completed survived the explosion. But whether those around you have survived the explosion is quite another story.

1. See “How Long Will ‘Me’ Last” on the description of personality-as-facet.
2. image comes from http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Image:Cut_Ruby.jpg
3. Some readers may want to see this recent entry/page – “An Intellectual Journey” – which explains on a different level what you are reading (witnessing?) here, namely using writing as a means of thinking, hence my building on previous entries.
4. of course, I mean A.D.D. personality
5. Whether we want to call this willpower or something else, it is for this reason that I believe that controlling A.D.D. becomes more difficult with age because so much energy is needed to contain the explosive core and as your physical condition changes (deteriorates) it becomes that much more difficult to contain those explosions. Further, this is why physical activity is so important for an A.D.D.er. There are two beneficial effects: the physical activity becomes an outlet – a valve – for the built-up internal explosive forces to escape in a controlled manner while, at the same time, the physical activity increases the stamina needed to provide that countervailing force. Oh, one other thing. Physical activity improves your sex life.
6. “anarchy is loosed upon the world” – now THAT’S a great description of A.D.D. rage. See also “Two Days of A.D.D. Rage.“

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It started, as all A.D.D. rage episodes seem to do, with the smallest of triggers, the proverbial straw that breaks the camel’s back (do camel’s really eat straw?). This past Friday I got chewed out by both my business associate and my wife. In both cases, I’m the front-man who interacts with the public and the both of them remain in the background. That is, they let me do all the talking. Nonetheless, if I make a misstep, they are sure to let me know about it. In both cases, the issues were resolved.

On Saturday morning, I told my wife that I would do some gardening chores for about 1 hour (this occurred at 9:30am…my oldest daughter had to be somewhere at 11am so that meant these chores had to come to an end). Next Saturday we are having a large party here at the house so my wife said to me, “You’ll have to cut it again [i.e., the lawn] next week so why do it today?” I said back to her, in a somewhat snotty whiny voice, “When next week? I’ve got wall-to-wall meetings Wednesday and Thursday and Friday the tent is being delivered and set up.” My wife responded by saying something like “What’s with your tone?” At that remark, I snapped. I left the house for about 1 hour (I went to get some food…any excuse to do some eating works for me). When I passed by the house at the end of the hour I noticed my wife was gone. I went into the house, got a book, and left. I didn’t return home till about 4pm. Each time I thought about returning home the rage came back in full force. All I kept thinking about was all the things that I have to do, all the accomplishments I’ve made (I’m finally paying bills on time, etc.) and the ONLY thing she can thing of doing is telling me about my tone! What’s next? My punctuation? My use of the passive? Too much pluperfect?

Well…we didn’t speak for almost the entire weekend. I tried to channel the rage – and make it dissipate – by focusing on something that required physical activity. So, Saturday night I did what I wanted to do that morning…at 7pm I cut the lawn. Sunday morning I still had that rage. I decided that today would be the day to clean out the weeds around the shrubbery on one side of the house and put in some nice trim. Well, after 6 hours of pure labor, the rage finally started to subside (a bit) and, at least, there was nice clean and freshly mulched shrubs.

The length and intensity of the rage surprised me because I had thought that that kind of rage was behind me. (The amount of pure physical labor necessary to make the rage dissipate also surprised me.) All I kept hearing in my head was “My tone? My f**king tone? With all the things that need to be done, with all of the changes that I’ve made in my own behavior, my tone was a problem?” It was as if, no matter what, there would be something to pick on.

So, I’m not sure there is a happy ending here. My wife asked me this morning (it is now Monday), if we were going to talk this week. I said yes and said in a sarcastic manner “And I’ll watch my tone.” I think she got the hint. And I’m going to have to watch the rage.

Alternate Ending(?):

I think there might be a limit to how much “stuff” you can take before you explode. On Friday I got dumped on by both my business associate and my wife. In both cases I became angry but then I “ate it.” But the weekend of rage shows that I didn’t necessarily “eat it,” that that was an illusion. What I thought was resolved was resolved in the sense that I stopped being angry…but the anger just stayed inside and awaited an outlet.
I feel that what also contributed to my rage is that my older daughter’s 16th birthday is next week and I was working so hard to be that good Dad to make sure things are all prepared for the big day. The “watch your tone” comment just seemed like a way to undermine that. Even if that was not the intent that is certainly the way I took it and that certainly contributed to the rage. Finally, I worry about what both my girls see in terms of a dysfunctional marriage…what effect all of this will have on their own lives.

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