Aug 2nd, 2007 | Adult A.D.D. | 3 Comments
An admittedly strange question. However, there are different me’s (should that be “mees” or should I say multiple “I”s or multiple selves?) and sometimes the correct “me” appears when needed and sometimes not. Or sometimes the correct “me” appears but doesn’t stay around long enough and suddenly disappears (actually, it morphs into a different “me”). During my years of therapy, one therapist described these multiple selves as an adaptation to an unpredictable environment - my mother. One day she was nice mom, another day - and for seemingly no reason - mom from heck. As a result of this environment - I was told - I “adapted” and, therefore, have different selves. Not exactly multiple personalities but different selves with different dimensions (right now, for example, this is the “writer” self). I lived with that definition of myself (myselves?) for quite a number of years and over the past several years it was no longer part of my “narrative of self.” However I’ve come back to (re)examining this in light of my A.D.D.1
Before continuing I must address a problem that I am having with the word “self.” This blog entry began with the use of this term. However, the word implies a whole, coherent unit which for an A.D.D.er is a non-existent entity. In fact it seems that A.D.D. creates only facets of a self and these facets are in continual motion. [Now THAT is really the crux/the CURSE(!!) of A.D.D.] Consequently you feel that you are not a whole person, not “normal” (whatever THAT means). You undermine your own feelings of success (and, in fact, your own eyes may actually show you that you ARE successful but you aren’t going to believe your lying eyes…are you!) because you know that the “self” that others observe is one of your many personality facets which happens to be visible to the world right now and you know that it may not be there - be visible - several months from now. (It might return…but not necessarily when you need it to.)
So “me” is really composed of personality facets that are in flux and the struggle of daily life is to keep a particular facet facing outward for all to see - the “working at my job” facet, the “good Dad” facet, the “handyman” facet. And therefore the question I posed in the title of this entry should be restated as “How Long Will This Facet Be Visible?” And the answer: I don’t know…but I’m working very hard at consistently showing the correct facet at the correct time AND for the correct length of time.
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1 - If my exploration of some of the A.D.D. literature has taught me anything it is that being A.D.D. and not having multiple selves is the rare exception. It seems inherent to the definition of A.D.D. that you will have multiple selves.
Jul 26th, 2007 | Adult A.D.D. | 1 Comment
Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) is a psychiatric disorder most commonly characterized by a subject’s obsessive, distressing, intrusive thoughts and related compulsions (tasks or “rituals”) which attempt to neutralize the obsessions. Thus it is an anxiety disorder.
(Source: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Obsessive-compulsive_disorder)
Once you are diagnosed with A.D.D., like a good A.D.D.er, you search out more information on the disorder. Perhaps you come across a definition of O.C.D. like the one above. You stumble across definitions of other disorders like Asperger’s Syndrome or autism and you begin to remember the Dustin Hoffman character in the movie Rain Man. You fall further into the mental abyss and then you are no longer sure if you have something other than (in addition to?) A.D.D. (other than the obvious stuff that is considered comorbid like depression. [Why this term comorbid? Does that mean when I die I take both A.D.D. and depression with me?]). You begin to notice the conventional aspect of “normality” (conventional in the sense that what is normal is by convention, that is, an agreed upon (implicit/explicit?) set of standards) and that there is a permeable and stretchable barrier between “normal” and “the Syndromes.” The dividing line seems almost arbitrary. If you are a scientist and you perform your experiments over and over to make sure you have repeatable results, well, when does it go from “normal” science to O.C.D.? When you do it for the 20th time? The 21st time?
A.D.D. can, at times, come close to O.C.D. in the way that tasks turn into rituals and by doing so they keep at bay some of the chaos of daily life. It has a sort of calming effect. By going into “ritual mode” you can let your brain relax. You go into auto-pilot. A problem occurs when your ritual gets interrupted. If my post-shower ritual is interrupted…I may forget to shave. If I do things out of order (”task S must precede task D”) I may forget something (the other day I put on my dressy clothes only to realize that I forgot to shave…I did two tasks out of order…I got dressed in jeans and walked the dogs so, when I got back, I changed into dress clothes as if I had already shaved [my routine…shaving comes before dressing so if I was dressed I must have already shaved…logical…no?]).
So where, really, is the line? Can’t A.D.D. produce a sort of anxiety that only a ritual can ameliorate? Is a baseball player who walks in a zig-zag and wears his lucky underwear an obsessive compulsive because he performs the same tasks again and again in the hopes that, like the first time he walked in a zig-zag and wore his lucky underwear was when he hit a home run? Does this ritual relieve his anxiety? (And is he an A.D.D.er on steroids?)
Jul 25th, 2007 | Adult A.D.D. | No Comments
What is it about A.D.D. that makes you think that one day it will all be gone, that someone will “save” you and the daily struggles will all fall away? Why all the fantasies where the heavens open up, the light shines on you and suddenly you are on the tarmac with Jen Lopez (<= substitute your favorite star/starlet here) with the paparazzi lights blinding you as you climb into your Lear jet and head off to a paradise of white sand and crystal clear blue water and thoughtless hours on the beach?
Maybe it’s because this fantasy is a hell of a lot better than the lives we normally lead.
But A.D.D.ers still cling to the fantasy. They don’t give up…even when they should.
Jul 18th, 2007 | Adult A.D.D. | No Comments
As I write this…I suddenly feel normal or, to be exact, what I think normal is. I think normal is no waves of panic. Normal is knowing how much money is in your checking account. Normal is not feeling like your nerves are firing erratically. Normal is just to feel tired at the end of the day…period. It is to know that you’ve accomplished some of the things you set out to accomplish. You have become goal-oriented and lived the life of a goal-oriented person.
I must emphasize, again, that I don’t really know what “normal” is. I can only assume what normal is, what normal feels like, what it means to live a normal life. I don’t know from firsthand experience (in fact, can never know) and can not really know what it is from careful observation. After all, what I observe is only the external manifestations of inner “normality.” I have no clue what it is like to live it, what it is like to have an inner life that is not in A.D.D. turmoil. So perhaps normal for an A.D.D.er is to have brief moments of non-turmoil. But, as an A.D.D.er, those brief moments remain brief moments. The key to living a better life is to determine how to extend those brief moments so that they last more than a handful of hours.1
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1 - For the non-A.D.D.er who might be reading this, you may not understand the struggles of the A.D.D.er and why “normality,” described here as “non-turmoil,” may only be brief in duration. There is a small anecdote that I picked up somewhere which purports to explain why the sun rises each morning. According to this anecdote, the sun rises each morning because god says “Do it again.” That, in a nutshell, is the struggle of the A.D.D.er who must consciously say to himself, “Do it again.” And again can be defined as most of those things that non-A.D.D.ers take for granted: financial control, longevity in a job, no inappropriate outbursts or explosions of rage. A.D.D.ers must, too often, tell themselves to do these things and they must tell themselves to do it again and again and again. (I assume they eventually become habits…we’ll see.)
Jul 8th, 2007 | Adult A.D.D. | No Comments
That’s probably the best description of what this blog is. I’m using the term phenomenology in the sense of describing the phenomena of living A.D.D….what A.D.D. is like “from the inside” and how it is manifested in the world through one person, me. However, it is not a solipsistic pursuit but, like phenomenology in the philosophical sense, it aims to get at some sort of underlying structure or commonality. For no matter the exact details of the “lived” A.D.D., the struggles remain very much the same - issues of time management (sometimes even an inability to understand time), issues of control (blurting out inappropriate times) - though instantiated in slightly different ways since, after all, we are not identical but are individuals with individual histories. Yet, despite the individual histories, there are common aspects to A.D.D. and that’s what brings A.D.D.ers together.
Jun 15th, 2007 | Adult A.D.D. | No Comments
I’ve been on Wellbutrin for over a year and recently (within the last few months) started taking a generic version of Ritalin. I’ve got to admit…I almost feel normal1. I feel that I can now see things that I could not see before. Prior to taking medication…I felt I was in perpetual youth mode with no sense of there being a future (and certainly no sense of a future that has consequences based on present action). I’m now starting to see this…I’m now starting to really see the connections (and starting…though in only small ways right now) between the actions of “now” and the future.
1. To be a bit more accurate, I’m beginning to feel like what I think is normalcy. I don’t really know what it is. I can only guess.
(Note: This appeared on my original blog in October 2005)
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