Advice for Living a Healthy Lifestyle

It’s easy to stay healthy. Just follow these simple rules. A suggested diet plan appears after this list of rules.

• Drink eight glasses of water a day.
• Drink three cups of green tea per day.
• Drink acai berry juice and pomegranate juice.
• Have a daily helping of tomatoes, kale, spinach, broccoli, cauliflower, flax seed, almonds, granola, apples, bananas, Chinese gooseberry,  mango, papaya, avocado, cassava, quince, sweet potato and sea weed.
• In the summer, eat winter squash.
• In the winter, eat summer squash.
• Take vitamin supplements. We recommend the following: Vitamin A, B, B¹², B¹⁷, C, C³, D, D², Ë, Iron, Niacin, Acetaminophen, Salicylic Acid, K, N and Z.
• Don’t forget to take ginkgo biloba: it helps your memory.
• Take mineral supplements: Omega-3, Omega-6, Magnesium, Cesium, Calcium, Polonium, Ferrous Oxide, Strontium, Carborundum, Molybdenum, Plumbum and Disputandum.
• Take one tablet daily of Chondroitin to alleviate problems with your elbows, knees and jointin.
• Take two tablets daily of  horny goat weed to make yourself horny.
• Engage in aerobic exercise three to five times per week.
• If you must sit at a desk all day, be sure to stand since too much sitting will kill you.
• If you type all day long at a computer, you can avoid getting carpal tunnel syndrome by not typing all day long.
• If you are having erectile dysfunction you may have forgotten to take your horny goat weed. First take your ginko biloba to help you to remember to take your horny goat weed.
• Start off your day with a balanced breakfast.
• Snack during the course of the day.
• Enjoy chocolate and red wine but not necessarily at the same time.

The Stress Diet

(Source: The Stress Diet)

Stress Diet

This diet is designed to help you cope with the stress that builds up during the day.

Breakfast

• 1/2 grapefruit
• 1 slice whole wheat toast – dry
• 8 oz skim milk

Lunch

• 4 oz lean broiled chicken breast
• 1 cup steamed spinach
• 1 cup herb tea
• 1 Oreo cookie

Afternoon Snack

• Rest of the Oreos in the package
• 2 pints of Rocky Road ice cream
• 1 jar hot fudge sauce, nuts, cherries, whipped cream

Dinner

• 2 loaves garlic bread with sausage, mushroom and cheese pizza
• 4 cans or 1 large pitcher of beer
• 3 Milky Way or Snickers candy bars

Late Evening News
Entire frozen cheesecake eaten directly from freezer

Rules For This Diet

1. If you eat something, and no one else sees you eat it, it has no calories.
2. When drinking a diet soda while eating a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are canceled by the diet soda.
3. When you eat with someone else, calories don’t count as long as you don’t eat more than they do.
4. Foods used for medicinal purposes never count. Example: hot chocolate, brandy, toast and Sara Lee cheesecake.
5. If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.
6. Movie-related foods do not have calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one’s personal fuel. Example: Milk Duds, buttered popcorn, Junior Mints and Tootsie Rolls.
7. Cookie pieces contain no calories, because of the process of breaking the cookie causes calorie leakage.
8. If you are in the process of preparing something, foods licked off knives and spoons have no calories.
9. Foods of the same color have the same number of calories. Examples: green salad and Key Lime pie, mushrooms and white chocolate.
10. If you eat the food off someone else’s plate, it doesn’t count.
11. If you eat standing up the calories all go to your feet and get walked off.
12. Food eaten at Christmas parties has no calories, courtesy of Santa.

Special Note: Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other.

(Note: The following was added on August 31, 2011)
Potato Chip Addendum: Item 7 above says “Cookie pieces contain no calories, because of the process of breaking the  cookie causes calorie leakage.” This principle applies equally to potato chips. That is why the calorie count on the back of the bag never includes the crumbs. By the time the chip reaches the “crumb” stage, it has released all of its calories. Furthermore, a potato chip bag smells so wonderful when you first open it up is because that “smell” is actually the released calories which have now become airborne. For this reason, when you swear you can gain weight just from breathing in the fumes you are absolutely correct. You gained weight because you’ve been breathing in calorie-laden fumes.

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