Adult ADHD and Loneliness

Wow! And I thought it was just me. Thanks for this simple observation that’s right on target.

Maybe we cannot connect to people because we’re always obsessed with something different, hopping from subject to subject, getting a broad but shallow set of interests. So we have more in common with Wikipedia than the average person.

Being a guy that hates sports really narrows the male friendship pool, and of course since other men get jealous of my charming ADHD outbursts they don’t want me hangin’ with their ladies (grin).

And I don’t know about you Jeff, but a lot of people bore the sh%t out of me, so I avoid most of humanity as if they are infected with gonacockus or something.

I’m interested to hear what others say. Thanks for bringing this up.
Neil

“hates sports” – check!
“lots of different interests” – check!
“charming ADHD outbursts” – check!
“a lot of people bore the sh%t out of me” – check!

I think you hit the important points. Perhaps *we* should be friends.

I posted on FB, but had to come here to see what was up. Your posts are always so bloody thought-provoking…you had one up quite a while ago regarding “choices-fear of time” that I am still struggling with.
I am a late diagnosed ADHD, but honestly can’t say that any of my friends, my family, myself-with ADHD could be described this way, in fact, just the opposite. So I guess my anecdotal evidence is the traits I often confer-optimism, enthusiasm, energy, live in the moment, easy to forgive, many varied interests, spontaneous…are ones that draw people to the ADHDer.
 I am blessed with many friends-I would have perished otherwise, as is my daughter, sister and my friends with ADHD. I have deep friendships that I can share nearly anything with (and do, often) and friends with whom I share similar things-be it sports, politics, geek stuff, women stuff, neighbors, social friends…whatever. I do find that women have an easier time with friends, are able to express their feelings easier and have more of them than most men I have met. I know, you say, a gross generalization. Perhaps not. I followed a brilliant lecturer and writer -Douglas Heath-from Haverford College for a number of years. He wrote a book “Fulfilling Lives” and lectured at a number of schools in my area (Boston). He followed a graduating class from Haverford for approx 25 years interviewing them yearly-their wives/lovers/children/parents/people who worked for them/people who they worked for etc etc. The last time I saw him lecture, he had begun his studies to include women as well (Haverford was male only when he did his work). He was quite humorous-but one rather funny but right on the mark comment was about womens’ groups-and how they functioned and supported one another, and the ability to deal with deep issues and their ability to express their feelings. At that point he remarked that he had as yet to see a men’s group survive with those components as their basis. He figured that after the men had talked about sports and business they were left with nothing left to say and disbanded. That women innately have an easier time with open and intimate conversation and less difficulty revealing themselves. Take it or leave it. In my youth as a passionate feminist, I insisted men and women were totally alike-only society conferred difference to keep women enslaved (god the 60′s were greatt!) But we are different and perhaps that’s what we’re talking about here??

Ok enough from me-maybe it’s a guy thing? and if you don’t like sports (now that’s a pity-damn-sports are the center of the universe-at least in Boston then what business? 

I’ll first state the obvious: not all ADHDers are alike. We have different life circumstances. Some ADHDers may be into sports and some not; Some may have a few (or more) really good friends and some not. And, yes, women are more likely to have deeper relationships with friends than men. Keeping all that in mind, my anecdotal data is based on talking to men AND women, so having trouble with friendships is not simply a guy thing. I would wager it has more to do with the particular mix of personality characteristics and interests along with the type of ADHD.

“I insisted men and women were totally alike-only society conferred difference to keep women enslaved” – There are very real physiological differences between men and women (besides the obvious difference in reproduction capability). That’s becoming more and more obvious as we learn more about how the body works. So perhaps it’s not that men and women are the same and society “creates” a difference so men can dominate women. Perhaps it’s that there is *already* a difference which is exploited by men to their advantage.

Sounds good. Friends it is. Besides, I like your politics.

I read Driven to Distraction after I was first diagnosed–I know, it’s a mental masturbation right of passage when you get the news–and Ned “I got ADHD for Christmas” Hallowell (sp?) warned that people with ADHD tend to isolate themselves. But maybe he missed the causality boat.

Hard to believe being Ned and all, but possible.

If people with ADHD have, let’s be kind, fewer friends over life, are they isolating themselves, or are they isolated because they fail to find meaningful relationships, for whatever reason? I mean, I have no recollection of saying “I don’t want any friends.” (But then again, I have no recollection of saying “I do” at my wedding, so that proves nothing.) 

And it’s not like we have hygiene problems and mucus puddled on our upper lips with piss stains running down our pants…on most days.

Sigh. Adderall is wearing off.

I think I’ll go funnel a pot of coffee down my gullet.

The bit about women was simply laughing at myself for some extremism 50 yrs ago with the beginnings of feminism. hardly think there is any truth to it! 
we both simply have different life experiences. probably nothing to do with or without ADHD. the ole “correlation is not causation” applies here. your sample is simply different from my sample.  and grateful that I don’t fall into yours. 

You got friends, Jeff, even if you can’t let your hair down.

Thank you, Gina! And my observation did not necessarily include myself.

I should add that our sociological definition of “friendship” has been shifting over the years along with such definitions of “community,” “solidarity,” etc. I had this argument with a professor almost 20 years ago in grad school. I argued that these things are changing as a result of technology. However, looking back on this, I would also add that there is an interpersonal interaction — face-to-face — that cannot be replicated digitally and *that* is the factor that is missing. Best example is the contrast between watching a high-def music concert and actually being at the concert. The former can never reproduce the full visceral nature of the latter.

This is an absolutely stunning post!  It sums me up perfectly.  I can’t stand sports of any kind, I think largely because they’re so slow, or at least too slow for me.

If this fact wasn’t so sad it would be funny. I also am late diagnosed ADHD in my early 50′s. I’m now in my early 60′s and knowing that my weird personality traits are from some crappy hard-wiring in my brain, doesn’t make the lack of long-term friends any easier. My husband just can’t understand why not having friends is such a problem for me. I see co-workers getting together with people that they’ve known for years and I’m so discouraged… my life seems empty and devoid of any possibility of deep friendships. I think my main problem is procrastination since I hardly ever follow up on other peoples interest of developing friendships.

Good subject and something to think about when I’m feeling lonely.

“are they isolating themselves, or are they isolated because they fail to find meaningful relationships” – I would lean towards “isolating themselves” and add that they have difficulty forming meaningful relationships and, if they should find meaningful relationships, they screw them up. That’s why ADHDers have high divorce rates. All part of “the gift.”

On the positive side, you still have your husband.

I wish I had something more profound to say. I can definitely feel your pain.

“absolutely stunning post!” – Stunning and yet, such a short post. I wonder how I did that.

“It sums me up perfectly. “  – I wish it didn’t sum things up so well. I’d rather I be wrong.

Equally unscientific are the following observations! I was diagnosed at 23 and had lots of social challenges. I went to therapy to deal with those and now have many, many friends. It took about 10 years to feel comfortable. I think, also, when the diagnosis comes, there is elation but there is also a period of getting used to the idea and grieving for what could have been. I say Honor That – give yourself the time to heal and definitely take the time to learn new skills – medication doesn’t teach skills.

Margit Crane,
Gifted With ADD

“medication doesn’t teach skills.” – This should be part of the warning label on all ADHD medications! Your point, though, is similar to one raised by Zoe Kessler (via Twitter), namely that you have to cultivate the “how to have/maintain friends” skills, to which I replied, “That’s correct…but that puts another item on the ADHDers to-do list.”

Yeah, well, I take any and every opportunity to make a crack about your hair.

What a crazy coincedence I foind this blog today. I’m sitting alone in my room pissed off @ my boyfriend because he’s too busy watching a foolball game to notice I’ve fallen into a well of depression today. By the way, I not only HATE football, I really hate the way people are so “different” when a game is on. I could go on about that one for about 50 pages, so I’ll just leave it @ that.

I wasa diagnosed with ADD as a child, but my parent wouldn’t let me take any kind of medication for it. Now @ 41 have been on Adderall for the past few years and after the 1st month I felt cheated that had I had it sooner, how much differnt my life may have been. But since I can’t change the past, I try to focus on moving forward.

Anyway, I’ve always had plenty of friendly aqauainances, but few people that truly earned my trust. Sadly, I’m usually a better friend to others then I get to enjoy for my own needs. I’ve found that people are either somewhat boring or shallow, or they swing too far the other way and bring unwanted drama. I have about as much patience for drama as I do for football.

Another thing that drives me crazy is when people want to know what I think, but only if it’s the same as them . Or after the 4th or 5th thought they just have no idea how to respond to me and can’t keep up with the constant stream of information that flows through my head. And the emotional responses from this information creates all kinds or wierd chain reactions from people. Some time I can’t get people to understand that it’s JUST information/observations. It has nothing to do with THEM! People get offened it “too dark or cinical” for them. If they interpret something I say as “arousing” that doesn’t mean I’m hitting on them. And regaurless of what I may think or feel about anything or anyone, I can agree or disagree, like or dislike whatever, I still want people to interact with me in a respectful and conciderate way. I told a friend one time who accused me of wasting his time because I sent him a txt while he was working (as if I knew) that he was busy, he could have ignored it or simply chose NOT to care. Some nerve I had to send him a joke that took him 30 seconds to read.

So I guess you could say I do isolate myself. I’d rather be alone then be in the company of insensitive idiots! I used to have a lot more friends then I do now, and it does bother me. Mostly because I deserve better then what I’ve found. Unfortunatly, I live in an area where a lot of the peolpe here are really screwed up. I try to keep an open mind, but I’m too cerebrial & too much of a realist for my own good sometimes.

Oh well. Tomorrow is a new day. Maybe I’ll get lucky…….

Welcome to the blog. The more you read here the more you’ll realize that my views have evolved over time. I certainly understand what it’s like when people say you are being cynical or too dark. That’s what people say about this blog.

“since I can’t change the past, I try to focus on moving forward” – This is absolutely key to your mental survival. Sure, I have my days when I wish I could go back in time and punch someone in the nose (like the various doctors who never picked up on my ADHD) but, the past is the past. You’re correct…you can’t change it. However, you CAN change the future. That’s in your control. Things can improve one little step at a time. All you need do is be realistic about what you can accomplish and how long it will take to accomplish it.

[...] ADHD in a year or so. I’ve read ADHD blog posts but they haven’t engaged me (though, Jeff’s post on loneliness came close). I’ve listened to a few teleseminars on ADDClasses.com but don’t feel [...]

Some of my best friends are dogs and cats … but they’re not on Facebook!

That’s actually an interesting observation. I’d be curious to know if the percentage of ADHDers who are “pet people” is a greater percentage than in the general population…or something like that.

I think dog people mostly. We like the unconditional love even when we forget to feed them. Cats are aloof and may remind us too much of ourselves. Nah. I like them all. dogs, cats, rabbits, ferrets, horses, llamas whatever. Mostly dogs cause they are so ADD. 
Augiehttp://addsherpa.com/friends/ 

I had cats growing up (and one dog). Now I have two dogs…among other pets…but no cat. Don’t miss having a cat at all. They have attitude problems.

Sadly, I find this to be true of myself. Pets, and kids are who I relate with best. Diagnosed late in life, even having developed coping mechanisms long before knowing why I was the way I was, I still struggle daily just most everyone who has ADD/ADHD.

Some days it feels so lonely, like being isolated on my own little island, despite the need/desire for it t be different.

Pets and kids…non-judgmental…so no surprise there.

To some degree this is all a cruel joke…kinda like being a boy in a plastic bubble. You want to be touched by another human being but that darned plastic bubble is in the way.