Adult A.D.D. & Sex
Sex is a difficult topic to discuss in the United States. The puritanical strand of our society labels it as dirty and something to be avoided except, of course, for procreation. Our prurient side is highly attracted to it and whole industries would not exist if not for this attraction. In addition, there is an uneasiness in discussing the topic that is worsened by our stunted vocabulary. We can use terms that are cold and clinical or mere street slang. And there is another problem. The very act of discussing it is often interpreted to mean that we must be obsessed with it; after all, why would anyone discuss it unless they were obsessed with it? However, not discussing it and pretending it doesn’t exist can be worse (and maddening). How can you solve a problem unless it is discussed?1 Despite the lived contradictions and discomfort in discussing the topic, I offer the following excerpts (safely written by someone else, I might add) as a means of starting this discussion. Read the excerpts – and the entire article from which they come – with an open mind. You may not think that it applies to you but I will bet that you will find faint echoes that will make you pause and think.
[I]mpulsiveness are the hallmarks of ADD, as well as of sex addiction. Unable to set boundaries on their own behavior, those with ADD feel an intense need to continue forever” whether it is on a work project or an involvement in a sexual enactment. One definition of compulsion may very well be “a loss of control characterized by an intense desire to continue despite adverse consequences.” A sense of deprivation emerges when compulsive sexualizing does not provide the gratification and satisfaction that results from experiencing intimacy with another person. Rather than sex being a way to bring two people closer, sexual enactments for the person with ADD can stem from intra-psychic conflict, from a narcissistic need for validation, and as a way to medicate the physiological symptoms of brain chemistry deregulation. The result is that sex takes up a disproportionately large place in his psychic equilibrium. His very sense of self depends on his sexuality.
Source: The Vicious Cycle of Adult ADD, Shame and Compulsive Sexuality
- This has echo’s of Friedan’s “the problem that has no name.”↩
Oh, man. Some of these traits describe my sex life as an ADDer so well. The sheer drive for lust and electrifying feelings, excitedness… Such sex is the rule for me, while intimacy is the exception.
I agree that it is completely debilitating for people not to discuss sex. It’s like not discussing food or someone’s eating habits. Sex is an integral part of us humans. Not discussing it is dangerous, first and foremost for the younger generations, who need to be properly introduced to sexual life, being informed and educated about it, instead of having to discover it for themselves. Discussing it would drastically reduce the number of unwanted pregnancies, STDs, etc.
Makes me wonder if impulsivity in a sexual relationship makes the non ADD partner feel disconnected during the extreme self focus of the ADD’er, who is more focused on self gratification.
Make sense?
It can be a detached experience for the one who is able to control and enter the relationship with more intention and less spontaneous impulsiveness.
VAG,
Not sure if “disconnected” is the right term. Perhaps “neglected” is more accurate since the focus is not really on the non-A.D.D.er but, instead, on the A.D.D.er alone.
Neglected is a better term – as a non-ADDer married to an ADD man, this is a huge issue in our marriage. Lack of intimacy, lack of connection, and during sex I can feel the shift from his focus on us/me, to solely focused on himself. I am left bewildered and confused and alone – as he probably feels afterwards because he tends to sigh, roll over and go to sleep. I have tried repeatedly to communicate my willingness to talk and try to find ways to make it better. There is never time. Or time gets consumed on other things. I am not angry or nagging, I only wish to understand and help our marriage be better for both of us.
Crimson,
I hope your partner has been officially diagnosed and is working on his A.D.D. issues. I can tell you from experience that these issues – both in and out of the bedroom – definitely improve over time. However, it does take concerted effort to see change and for change to become nearly permanent (the A.D.D. is always there and can still slip through) requires on-going effort and discussion. Unfortunately intimacy issues can be difficult to discuss with a partner especially if they are wrapped in other feelings as you have noted. Focus on the non-intimacy issues caused by A.D.D. Then, when strides have been made in those areas it will be easier to shift to this important aspect of life. Feel free to contact me directly (my email address is listed here: http://jeffsaddmind.com/about ) to discuss this “offline.”
Not diagnosed yet as there are lack of resources for adult ADD in or near our area…we are working on it, although sometimes his commitment to it has the consistency of….ADD! At times I feel I am trying to crazy glue my fragile psyche back into some semblance of a person after 16 years of not knowing why I feel invisible, unimportant, rejected. We have a son diagnosed 5 years ago, and it helped me to understand alot. It is still a huge struggle that feels impossible at times…I can only imagine what he feels.
If you haven’t already done so, you should get a copy of Gina Pera’s book. See: http://adhdrollercoaster.org/ It deals with Adult A.D.D. and examines every aspect of it…including problems with intimacy.
I did my own diagnosis by reading “Driven to Distraction” and then answering Yes to, like, 75 out of 100 questions that appear in the book (there’s a long list of questions in there and the more I read the more I felt that I was reading my biography). I then got the diagnosis confirmed by a doctor. It is vitally important to get medication. The majority of people deal with A.D.D. through a combination of behavior modification and medication. If you can get that taken care of…both medication and LOTS of reading and LOTS of work at changing behavior it will, indeed, have a beneficial effect. It just takes time to learn how to control and channel the A.D.D.
I plan on picking up Gina Pera’s book and a few others.
We are working on it – and my husband has made leaps and bounds the last 2 years, and knowing more about ADD has helped me to adjust some of my expectations. Communication helps an incredible ammount, as well as letting go of anger, blame & neurotypical expectations. It is difficult sometimes without the consistency medication would provide, although I worry about side affects on him. Thanks so much for the insights!
Crimson,
If you are worried about the side effects of medication…well…you shouldn’t be. Dosages can always be changed as can the medication itself (Ritalin made me bounce off the walls…Wellbutrin works wonders for me).
The family doctor gave him Zoloft once because he had lost interest in life in general (I had to tell the doctor, he wasn’t going to), then switched him a few months later to Wellbutrin…he only took that a month or so he didn’t like how he felt. Due to his job, stimulants are an issue but I don’t think he has the patience right now for something that he will have to wait to see the results. So we will have to see…things can’t go on like this, it gets harder for him as he gets older.
I appreciate the input from the ADD point of view – it helps!
Crimson,
Wellbutrin, as you found out, does take time till you see results.
You are correct that it does get harder for an A.D.D.er to handle their A.D.D. as they get older. I’m not sure if this is a result of a late diagnosis, hence medications and behavior modification comes later in life after (bad) patterns have solidified. I would also think a factor is decreasing stamina that comes with age. It’s like the A.D.D.er just has less energy to wrestle with the “double-bitted ax.”
I can see that it would be tiring, the fight with oneself. I know it’s tiring for me to watch! And try to compensate for, in daily life and responsibilities. Some it might be as a person ages chemical and hormone balances change, most definitely the stamina levels decrease. How to cope with it, hmm there’s the question.
It’s been an arduous adventure to say the least. Bare with me, my spelling can be terrible. I’m 50 and I was diagnosed 15 years ago but haven’t accepted treatment until just 6 months ago. Adderal and Prozac for depression. I lost my job 13 years ago because I couldn’t control myself with internet porn while at work. I got a divorce because I wanted to experiment with activities like swinging. Had numerous affairs but then I met a lady while still married that rocked my world. The divorce went through a year later and we got married three months after that. So this marriage is going 14 years and I still can’t control myself when it comes to porn and thinking about sex all the time. It’s driving my nuts and with I don’t think this medication is working. But I have to admit, I do like the weight loss. Loss 20 pounds in two months when I started taking the meds. But I think I’m starting to gain the weight back. I’m starting to bing eat whenever there are sweets in the house. I’ve been a stay at home dad for 10 years and I’ve tried three part time jobs in the past two years and all failed. I’m having a hard time concentrating and its difficult to make an effort to remember something. Talk about hyper focusing. When it comes to cars, if there is a model that I want, it is all I can focus on. I can’t take it anymore!!!! I just wish it would stop before I mess up again. No, I am not seeing anyone for counseling because money is an issue since only one of us works in the family. And that guild is becoming an issue.
So, where do I finish…..?
Bill,
That’s some story. I don’t even know how to respond to it! One way to get things under control (or, to be accurate, to gain perspective so you can get things under control) is to engage in some physical activity: walking, bicycling, jogging, etc. This will help you to turn off the obsession, if only momentarily, so you can see it from the outside and can direct it in a positive way when it rears it head.
Jeff
hat’s some story. I don’t even know how to respond to it! One way to get things under control (or, to be accurate, to gain perspective so you can get things under control) is to engage in some physical activity: walking, bicycling, jogging, etc. This will help you to turn off the obsession, if only momentarily, so you can see it from the outside and can direct it in a positive way when it rears it head.
Crimson,
I have Ginas’ book, and I agree w/Jeff, it will help you understand ADD. It also shows via. conversation of couples dealing with the problems that may occur. You may find that many have had,or are having some of the same questions you have.
It has helped me understand my own ADD symptoms, and ways to avoid promblems before they happen. Kinda like a “Check Engine” light on my car. I must pull over and try to repair it, or I will be walking and run the risk of losing abbillty to reach my destination in time to save my marriage.
Scott.
Scott,
That’s a great metaphor for Gina’s book…that it is like a “Check Engine” light.
Thanks Jeff!,
I’m reading my comment,(sorry to sound so selfish)but I’m impressed/surprized with my self. Now I can see how this way of using Gina’s book, may help Bill also….
Bill,
Noticing your comment about automobiles, I thought about my own dream of someday finding an early model,worn out, Pontiac GTO square body, and doing a complete rehab to it.(good luck Scott,ha ha)
If it ever happened, 1st thing I would need is a repair/overhaul manual, like I already have for all my past-present vehicles,and the tools do it. As you probably know, these manuals will show how to fix everthing…but…some of the real difficult repairs,will advice consulting a qualified mechanic before attemping by yourself. I get myself in trouble sometimes(almost everytime) by ignoring that advice.Mainly because I’m stubborn,and also can’t afford a mechanic,or find one I trust.
Next step is to ask for help from someone I know, who is good at fixing what I just messed up. I can’t find the courage to ask this person(my wife)for fear of a appearing too helpless,or stressing them about something I should be able to do myself.
I’m lucky Bill, to have a wife I trust with my life. But I must have the courage to ask her to read my repair manual, and see if She understands what it says the way I think it explains the repair.
Scott.
I believe that I have ADD. my dr. is fighting me on it but I know myself. I know my body. I’m 27 and I have felt different for as long as I can remember. Anyway I hate being close with people. I can barely stand it when when my boyfriend touches me. Soooo many fights over me not wanting to have sex! I just don’t know what to do and I don’t know if that could be a side effect of ADD or if I just have intimicy issues.
Carmen,
A.D.D. can manifest itself in a number of different ways. For example, for some A.D.D.ers sex can be something they are obsessed with or it can be the opposite…something they avoid.
Intimacy issues can be a result of the A.D.D.ers tendency to be hypersensitive. Avoiding intimacy becomes a method of self-protection.
Finally, many people with A.D.D. have self-diagnosed themselves and then had it confirmed by a doctor. It is interesting that your doctor is fighting you on it. That could be a result of the doctor’s lack of knowledge about A.D.D. or it can be a case of self-denial (some A.D.D.ers deny they have A.D.D. and deny that it exists).
Carmen,
I am not an expert on subjects about A.D.D…But I am learning about how it can be very benificial to have a Dr. that will be open minded, and educated in the the treatment of A.D.D.
I was diagnosed A.D.D. before I ever thought about the possibilty of being an A.D.D.er. I started treatment and medication for it. Thats what (treatment and meds) woke me up, and helped me realize why I felt “Different” all my life. I always assumed I was just abnornal,and lived with allot of guilt about the way I thought about things.
The only reason I’m telling you this, is to lead to my opinion/advice for you to think about finding a Dr. who knows the facts about A.D.D.,and be willing to treat it according to your symptons.
Scott.
I had a long sit down with my dr. and finally was refered to psychiatrist. I was given a script and now I’ve done almost a complete 180. These last few days it’s as if I have finally woken up. ALL I THINK ABOUT IS SEX! I’ve done things with my boyfriend that I have never even thought of trying. I use to pick a fight just so that my boyfriend would leave me alone and now he has to hold me off so that his body can rest. It’s so frustrating! He is also an A.D.D.er and his meds make it so his body doesn’t function the way it’s suppose to. That fact use to b ok when I didn’t want to have sex, but now…I don’t know what to do. I love what my meds do for me, but I don’t know if I can keep my sexual cravings locked in a box because he can’t get it up. I’m not complaining the foreplay is AMAZING, but I really need that happy ending. What should I do?
Carmen,
The real note of caution here is that you stated that all you think about is sex. That is not good. There needs to be some sort of balance. Since you just started on the medication, it may take a bit of time to find the right dosage so that you can have some balance in your life. In a week or two you may find that you can control the obsession (or the obsession may fade…to a degree). Since any obsession – whether caused by A.D.D. or not – is never a good thing, it would make sense to discuss this issue with the psychiatrist. The key here is not to turn off the sexual desires but to be able to control them and not have them control you.
I don’t want my obsession to fade. It’s like a new begining. It’s so great to finally learn who the real me is. I didn’t really like the person I was, but now…
Actually I would like to change that comment. I don’t want my sexual desires to fade, but I would like all my other obsessing to fade. I don’t like that I obsess over other things(and people). Although I’m told that I’m attractive, I don’t feel that I am desirable. So I would like it if that part would stop, obsessing over men. I’M SO CONFUSED!! I’m not sure if I can handle this and I don’t know if I could actually tell my doctor. I don’t know if I can actually say those words out loud. I’ve been very shy for such a long time. Talking about sex is very difficult for me. Unless of course I’m writing about it.
Carmen,
There are really a lot of things going on right now and that’s why I’m emphasizing that you should slow down. Once you make the A.D.D. discovery and then start medication, you think that everything is clear. It is as if you have been driving with a dirty windshield and, finally, that windshield is clean. I’m sorry to say that this is an illusion. The windshield is not clean but, there is now a tiny little spot that has been cleaned and you are now squinting to see through that spot. But keep in mind that there is so much you have yet to see and understand.
The A.D.D. diagnosis is a mixed blessing. You now understand why you didn’t fit in. You now understand why you couldn’t do things that others could do. But now you see all the things in your life that you want (or need) to change.
The real work of dealing with A.D.D. has just begun. It will take a fair amount of time for you to be able to sort everything out. So, please, be cautious and make good decisions.
Jeff,
Great windsheild metaphore! Thats exactly the way I started out when I realized the benefits of treatment.I felt as if ADD may be a great thing,and I am gifted w/special abbilties..etc..Until I realized..I was obsessing about this, and not realizing the danger of it.
A.D.D. has not made me a better person, but cleaning those little smudges on my windsheild is a good place to start.
Scott.
I would just like to thank you for your words of wisdom. It’s really great to be able to get advice from REAL people that actually know what I’m going through. So….thanx!
Carmen,
If it’s Wellbutrin you’re taking, that stimulation wears off eventually.
It’s fun while it lasts though…
Enjoy it but do NOT make any major life decisions while under the sway of all that newfound libido.
I just need to let you know…I am taking strong meds. for ADD in the morning, that are also prescribed by for other reasons than ADD. So I am not a great example as to the subject of meds. Mine also are for(what is called by My Dr.at a lower dosage) breakthrough fatigue in the afternoon as needed. Mental fatigue can worsen my physical fatigue in my occupation. Atypical is an understatement,when it comes to ADD and meds. for me. But meds. do absolutly help me my attn. problems.
Scott.
Madelyn,
No it wasn’t Wellbutrin and I’ve stopped that particular medication and am going to see a different Doctor instead. I realized afterward that medication is a drug and all drugs make you act differently. While I loved what that lil pill did for me I stopped taking it to to the fact that it was making me obsess over sex and I didn’t want to turn in to a sex fiend. Now that I’m off it I’m back to the way I was b4. I don’t like it. I’m back to not really any libido which is frustrating because I like sex, I just don’t like to b touched. The medication stopped that. Anyway, NO rash decisions on my part, just carefully thought out ones.
Madelyn,
I’m on Wellbutrin for years. It’s had zero effect on my sex drive. Didn’t increase it…didn’t decrease it.
I am miserably coming out of a relationship with a hyper focused Adult
Attention Deficit Disorder man who just literally stopped in his tracks.
I was reading your article and the cycle of him wanting me to be dominant,scold him when we were intimate was starting to wear on me.
I would be patient and caring but he would continually go back to this theme. He has been reckless, impulsive, and literally within a week
started to see someone else( a woman who has it as well) and that ended
our relationship. She would egg him on, but no intimacy. the next thing was he went back into his failing marriage. Needless to say, I started reading, stunned, hurt, and he is once again hyper focused and I simply do not exist. Is this common? Is there empathy?compassion?
He seems like he has a on/off switch. I am miserable as I see the goodness in him but it is what it is. But I would like to know…all too common??? thanks…
Julie,
I certainly understand your frustration and how hurt you feel when there is no empathy or compassion. Quite recently I had a discussion about this same issue with someone (non-ADHD) who was married to someone who had ADHD. She, too, wondered where was the empathy, the compassion. I will give you the same answer I gave her. Some people reading this blog may not like the answer…but…here goes.
The problem that non-ADHDers have is that they assume that those with ADHD have all the same characteristics that they do…such as empathy. While it is certainly possible for someone with ADHD to have empathy (and many other characteristics), the fact that it is lacking is not really surprising. To understand why…let’s look at the world from within the ADHD mind.
Someone with ADHD has spent much of his life protecting himself. He may have put up various barriers that keeps him safe and which makes him feel he is in control. To be empathetic is to be able to identify and understand another person’s situation (this is, essentially, the dictionary definition). But what does that really mean? To understand someone else’s situation one must be able to, at least temporarily, put one’s own situation “on hold” so that one can understand “the other.” The ADHDer expends so much energy every single day in trying to keep himself (or herself) together as a person that, well, there is no energy left to do much else. But most importantly, NOT being empathetic can be a defense mechanism. It can be a way to keep the outside world out. By NOT understanding the outside world the outside world stays…outside. This potential force for (internal) chaos has been blocked from entering the ADHD mind.
Consequently, do not assume that the ADHDer will have the same feelings, thoughts, emotions that you do. Instead, think of the ADHD mind as a sort of fun house mirror. It reflects most things in the world but the image it sends back is distorted to varying degrees and is sometimes missing key elements.
Jeff, First and foremost I want to thank you for your words of wisdom, for the first time in my life I feel I have someone in my corner supporting me. Thank you.
Just an update from Oct post. I paid my family doctor a visit and she prescribed Adderall and Prozac. First I started with 10mg adderall and then 30 days later she started me on 10mg prozac. At first the euphoric reaction was great, my anxiety disappeared and I finishing something seemed easier but it didn’t last very long. My doctor then increased my dosage another 10mg each and the effects would last longer through the day. My anxiety went away but my obsession over internet porn continued and increased. I still find myself getting hooked early in the day and before I know it’s time to cook diner. The medication has reduced my ability to maintain an erection so having any intimate relations with my wife very quickly disappeared. Yes, it has caused problems but I think she’s accepted the fact that maybe it’s just age related. Like I said earlier, I’m a stay at home dad and she has her career. I’m scared to try another part time job because of my previous failures.
I’ve pretty much accepted the fact that this is my life and I should just try to cope with it the best I can.
Bill,
I’m so glad that my words have truly had a positive effect. Too often I write things and I wonder if anyone is listening/reading.
I’m no expert where medications are concerned. However, I wonder if there might be other drugs that you could take that would not have that effect on your sex life.
Bill,
I also am no expert on meds. But I take AdderallXR.20mg in the morning,and (Adderall.10mg afternoon,as needed for breakthrough fatigue). I also take a list of drugs for other medical probs. I check for drug interactions,every time I am prescribed any new meds. There are many websites on the subject.
I won’t suggest a particuler website, because there is some debate about Adderall being good or bad,,etc. I have had no problems with side effects, but I am not a good example. I think,if I were you, I would make sure my Dr.’s are aware of your concerns. Adderall is a drug,that may very serious side effects on some patients.