Adult A.D.D. & Sex
Sex is a difficult topic to discuss in the United States. The puritanical strand of our society labels it as dirty and something to be avoided except, of course, for procreation. Our prurient side is highly attracted to it and whole industries would not exist if not for this attraction. In addition, there is an uneasiness in discussing the topic that is worsened by our stunted vocabulary. We can use terms that are cold and clinical or mere street slang. And there is another problem. The very act of discussing it is often interpreted to mean that we must be obsessed with it; after all, why would anyone discuss it unless they were obsessed with it? However, not discussing it and pretending it doesn't exist can be worse (and maddening). How can you solve a problem unless it is discussed?1 Despite the lived contradictions and discomfort in discussing the topic, I offer the following excerpts (safely written by someone else, I might add) as a means of starting this discussion. Read the excerpts - and the entire article from which they come - with an open mind. You may not think that it applies to you but I will bet that you will find faint echoes that will make you pause and think.
[I]mpulsiveness are the hallmarks of ADD, as well as of sex addiction. Unable to set boundaries on their own behavior, those with ADD feel an intense need to continue forever” whether it is on a work project or an involvement in a sexual enactment. One definition of compulsion may very well be "a loss of control characterized by an intense desire to continue despite adverse consequences." A sense of deprivation emerges when compulsive sexualizing does not provide the gratification and satisfaction that results from experiencing intimacy with another person. Rather than sex being a way to bring two people closer, sexual enactments for the person with ADD can stem from intra-psychic conflict, from a narcissistic need for validation, and as a way to medicate the physiological symptoms of brain chemistry deregulation. The result is that sex takes up a disproportionately large place in his psychic equilibrium. His very sense of self depends on his sexuality.
Source: The Vicious Cycle of Adult ADD, Shame and Compulsive Sexuality
===============================
- This has echo's of Friedan's "the problem that has no name."↩
RSS Feed
(On Oct 30th, 2007 at 10:33 pm)
Attention Deficit Disorder Carnival #36
The Attention Deficit Disorder blog carnival is a collection of recent blog entries about Attention Deficit Disorder. The reason that it is called a carnival is because each week the carnival travels to a different host Blog. Here are the
(On Oct 30th, 2007 at 3:25 pm)
Let’s Talk About Sex Baby
Ever since I first read the post Adult A.D.D. and Sex over at at Jeff’s A.D.D. mind I’ve had the song Let’s Talk About Sex by Salt N Pepa in my head. Also, the song
(On Oct 30th, 2007 at 3:17 pm)
Oh, man. Some of these traits describe my sex life as an ADDer so well. The sheer drive for lust and electrifying feelings, excitedness… Such sex is the rule for me, while intimacy is the exception.
I agree that it is completely debilitating for people not to discuss sex. It’s like not discussing food or someone’s eating habits. Sex is an integral part of us humans. Not discussing it is dangerous, first and foremost for the younger generations, who need to be properly introduced to sexual life, being informed and educated about it, instead of having to discover it for themselves. Discussing it would drastically reduce the number of unwanted pregnancies, STDs, etc.
(On Oct 30th, 2007 at 9:08 am)
[…] have read many excellent posts related to ADD, but I haven’t found any that speak about ADD & illicit drugs, so I […]
(On Oct 30th, 2007 at 12:58 am)
Makes me wonder if impulsivity in a sexual relationship makes the non ADD partner feel disconnected during the extreme self focus of the ADD’er, who is more focused on self gratification.
Make sense?
It can be a detached experience for the one who is able to control and enter the relationship with more intention and less spontaneous impulsiveness.
(On Oct 30th, 2007 at 6:16 am)
VAG,
Not sure if “disconnected” is the right term. Perhaps “neglected” is more accurate since the focus is not really on the non-A.D.D.er but, instead, on the A.D.D.er alone.
(On Oct 30th, 2007 at 9:01 am)
Neglected is a better term - as a non-ADDer married to an ADD man, this is a huge issue in our marriage. Lack of intimacy, lack of connection, and during sex I can feel the shift from his focus on us/me, to solely focused on himself. I am left bewildered and confused and alone - as he probably feels afterwards because he tends to sigh, roll over and go to sleep. I have tried repeatedly to communicate my willingness to talk and try to find ways to make it better. There is never time. Or time gets consumed on other things. I am not angry or nagging, I only wish to understand and help our marriage be better for both of us.
(On Oct 30th, 2007 at 8:42 am)
Crimson,
I hope your partner has been officially diagnosed and is working on his A.D.D. issues. I can tell you from experience that these issues - both in and out of the bedroom - definitely improve over time. However, it does take concerted effort to see change and for change to become nearly permanent (the A.D.D. is always there and can still slip through) requires on-going effort and discussion. Unfortunately intimacy issues can be difficult to discuss with a partner especially if they are wrapped in other feelings as you have noted. Focus on the non-intimacy issues caused by A.D.D. Then, when strides have been made in those areas it will be easier to shift to this important aspect of life. Feel free to contact me directly (my email address is listed here: http://jeffsaddmind.com/about ) to discuss this “offline.”
(On Oct 30th, 2007 at 7:08 am)
Not diagnosed yet as there are lack of resources for adult ADD in or near our area…we are working on it, although sometimes his commitment to it has the consistency of….ADD! At times I feel I am trying to crazy glue my fragile psyche back into some semblance of a person after 16 years of not knowing why I feel invisible, unimportant, rejected. We have a son diagnosed 5 years ago, and it helped me to understand alot. It is still a huge struggle that feels impossible at times…I can only imagine what he feels.
(On Oct 30th, 2007 at 7:36 am)
If you haven’t already done so, you should get a copy of Gina Pera’s book. See: http://adhdrollercoaster.org/ It deals with Adult A.D.D. and examines every aspect of it…including problems with intimacy.
I did my own diagnosis by reading “Driven to Distraction” and then answering Yes to, like, 75 out of 100 questions that appear in the book (there’s a long list of questions in there and the more I read the more I felt that I was reading my biography). I then got the diagnosis confirmed by a doctor. It is vitally important to get medication. The majority of people deal with A.D.D. through a combination of behavior modification and medication. If you can get that taken care of…both medication and LOTS of reading and LOTS of work at changing behavior it will, indeed, have a beneficial effect. It just takes time to learn how to control and channel the A.D.D.
(On Oct 30th, 2007 at 7:39 am)
I plan on picking up Gina Pera’s book and a few others.
We are working on it - and my husband has made leaps and bounds the last 2 years, and knowing more about ADD has helped me to adjust some of my expectations. Communication helps an incredible ammount, as well as letting go of anger, blame & neurotypical expectations. It is difficult sometimes without the consistency medication would provide, although I worry about side affects on him. Thanks so much for the insights!
(On Oct 30th, 2007 at 6:48 am)
Crimson,
If you are worried about the side effects of medication…well…you shouldn’t be. Dosages can always be changed as can the medication itself (Ritalin made me bounce off the walls…Wellbutrin works wonders for me).
(On Oct 30th, 2007 at 7:09 am)
The family doctor gave him Zoloft once because he had lost interest in life in general (I had to tell the doctor, he wasn’t going to), then switched him a few months later to Wellbutrin…he only took that a month or so he didn’t like how he felt. Due to his job, stimulants are an issue but I don’t think he has the patience right now for something that he will have to wait to see the results. So we will have to see…things can’t go on like this, it gets harder for him as he gets older.
I appreciate the input from the ADD point of view - it helps!
(On Oct 30th, 2007 at 7:50 am)
Crimson,
Wellbutrin, as you found out, does take time till you see results.
You are correct that it does get harder for an A.D.D.er to handle their A.D.D. as they get older. I’m not sure if this is a result of a late diagnosis, hence medications and behavior modification comes later in life after (bad) patterns have solidified. I would also think a factor is decreasing stamina that comes with age. It’s like the A.D.D.er just has less energy to wrestle with the “double-bitted ax.”
(On Oct 30th, 2007 at 9:25 am)
I can see that it would be tiring, the fight with oneself. I know it’s tiring for me to watch! And try to compensate for, in daily life and responsibilities. Some it might be as a person ages chemical and hormone balances change, most definitely the stamina levels decrease. How to cope with it, hmm there’s the question.
(On Oct 30th, 2007 at 6:01 pm)
It’s been an arduous adventure to say the least. Bare with me, my spelling can be terrible. I’m 50 and I was diagnosed 15 years ago but haven’t accepted treatment until just 6 months ago. Adderal and Prozac for depression. I lost my job 13 years ago because I couldn’t control myself with internet porn while at work. I got a divorce because I wanted to experiment with activities like swinging. Had numerous affairs but then I met a lady while still married that rocked my world. The divorce went through a year later and we got married three months after that. So this marriage is going 14 years and I still can’t control myself when it comes to porn and thinking about sex all the time. It’s driving my nuts and with I don’t think this medication is working. But I have to admit, I do like the weight loss. Loss 20 pounds in two months when I started taking the meds. But I think I’m starting to gain the weight back. I’m starting to bing eat whenever there are sweets in the house. I’ve been a stay at home dad for 10 years and I’ve tried three part time jobs in the past two years and all failed. I’m having a hard time concentrating and its difficult to make an effort to remember something. Talk about hyper focusing. When it comes to cars, if there is a model that I want, it is all I can focus on. I can’t take it anymore!!!! I just wish it would stop before I mess up again. No, I am not seeing anyone for counseling because money is an issue since only one of us works in the family. And that guild is becoming an issue.
So, where do I finish…..?
(On Oct 30th, 2007 at 6:44 am)
Bill,
That’s some story. I don’t even know how to respond to it! One way to get things under control (or, to be accurate, to gain perspective so you can get things under control) is to engage in some physical activity: walking, bicycling, jogging, etc. This will help you to turn off the obsession, if only momentarily, so you can see it from the outside and can direct it in a positive way when it rears it head.
Jeff